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11.30.2004

my life is a greek tragedy.

except without all the greek.

11.28.2004

top 10 things that right now, i am NOT thankful for:

10. genetic engineering. mainly because i have been nominated to write a debate highlighting its benefits. so fucking lame.

9. holidays where kids are home from school. i would cry if i had any emotion left at all. but that too has been beaten out of me.

8. price tags. its christmas for shits sake, what happened to all the giving?

7. extended family. i know this seems harsh, but you havent met them. or just spent 4 days with them. you would gladly gnaw off your own arm before subjecting yourself to it. trust me. heredity is the devil.

6. clocks. is it really necessary at 5.00pm to taunt me with many hours until bedtime? and then wake me up at 1.30am and be all proud to show off the time? stupid clock, get a hobby.

5. ipods. because i dont have one. damnit.

4. snow. i dont like to drive in you. i dont like how cold you make me. all you do is make my kids filthy. all youre good for is a reason to drink cocoa & baileys. not that ive ever really needed a reason anways.

3. medication. this shit makes me so very sleepy. must.stay.awake. must.watch.baby. must not let baby eat dirt. but will let baby eat dog food if it means he lets mommy sleeeeeeeep.

2. hand-made chocolate milk. why cant i get it to taste like it does when you buy it premade? WHY GOD, WHY? is that so much to ask. jesus.

1. stimulation. i have become so boring that i make my parents look exciting. and that cannot mean good things.

11.27.2004

the other nite i had a dream.

like every other one to date, it fucked me up. when i was married, i would have dreams, very detailed dreams, of him with other women. as it happens, i only had them on nights when he was actually with other women. it became routine, and i got used to it. still, every morning i would wake up, sick to my stomach and disoriented. eventually we seperated and the notion of his infidelity became evident, and so the dreams lessened.

the dream. he told me every horrible thing he ever did to me. the cheating. the constant, monotonous cheating. the lies he told his friends and family to make me the bad guy. the disaster he left our lives in to spite me. and that he slept with my close friend. that last one, though the only part not real of the dream, still stings. the details of why, when and how became a blur. i remember punching her, a lot. hard. and that she turned to him and spewed more lies about what i had and hadnt done. i think i punched her some more. and i went to her house and stole $16 from her. i have no idea why, but as it seems, that was my mighty revenge.

the friend. it angers me that she slept with my exhusband in a dream. is that reasonable? not so much. but still, it is what it is. there is more than just the dream. its the unreliable, the multiple personalities, the self-involvement, and the lack of interest for just about anything. among everything else really. imaging her with him, while it makes no logical sense, just creates more distance between us. not that there wasnt a vast cavern of uncertainty already. and sadly, she will never see it, let alone care its there.

11.26.2004

*i love you.
*i love how you lay your hand on my cheek as youre falling asleep.
*i love how you squint your eyes when youre being scolded.
*i love how your breath stinks when you wake up.
*i love how one eye closes more than the other when you smile.
*i love how you beg me to stop tickling you, then beg for more.
*i love how you you tell me youll miss me when you go to your dads for the weekend.
*i love how you are mommys best helper.
*i love how you look out of the corner of your eyes when youre trying to convince someone.
*i love how you whisper when youre telling me something really important.
*i love how you stick your cold feet on my legs while you sleep to keep them warm.
*i love how you recite words to movies you havent seen in months.
*i love how you smile for pictures like youve just eaten a bad piece of meat.
*i love how you give me hand-hugs while im driving.
*i love how you wrinkle up your face when i call you 'captain insano'.
*i love how you say things that are too clever even for an adult.
*i love how you give me 'long kisses' on the cheek.
*i love how you love me 'infinity infinity'.
*i love you.

happy 4th birthday moosie.
i am so proud of you.

11.25.2004

gobble gobble.

nearly 4 years ago today, my life had no purpose. i was so very pregnant, on thanksgiving. it was the worst day ever. three bites of potatoes, full. oh my god kill me now. i couldnt indulge in all the things of tasty goodness. the turkey, the stuffing, the pie, the potatoes, the stuffing, the green beans, the STUFFING.

this year, i will spend the entire day making up for that year. the year of the devil.

gobble gobble.

11.24.2004

fucking snow.

little white flakes of SHIT are falling from my sky. i am outraged. i told it not to snow for another month. it is cold. everything is cold. way.too.cold.

go away. go away. go away.

seriously, youd think this is wisconsin or something.

11.23.2004

despite the inner battle, i lost and got back onto a schedule of taking my medication. i am aware that it actually helps me, but im not the sort of girl that likes schedule. and to comfort the now prozac-sedated beast inside of me, tara and i went up to the casino to play bingo yesterday. some woman won $42,000. im so happy for her. i would say that i hope she chokes on her very expensive turkey on thursday, but thats not in the holiday spirit. and im all about the spirit. in fact, ive decided that maybe my oh-so-joyful funk will lift with one thing. a thing so simple and pure and good and yummy. thats right... harry connick jr. sings christmas carols. and because my nifty alarm clock plays cds to wake me up, ive decided that i can probably get used to hearing 'when my heart finds christmas' in that lulling purr of his every morning. and on days when its really cold and i really hate all of you, maybe then ill bring out the 'ave maria'. until then i will sit here and silently hate my mother for trying to break my heart with this crappy crappy keyboard with no volume knob. and whine very loudly about the fact that all the coca-cola i consume has literally eaten a hole in my esophagus and it is painful. so very painful. oh coke, my dearest coke, i hate you and i love you. oh how i hate to love you. such bitterness. such hostility. someone better alter thanksgiving a bit this year, because i want some fucking presents.

11.19.2004

dear babys daddys bitchs mama,

oh im sorry. did it offend you that i dropped my children off at their fathers with marker on their hands? did it make you writhe and twitch to see such neglect? shame on me for giving them a creative outlet that dirties their delicate little fingers. after all, crayola marker is washable on skin, not the wicked sins of their mother's soul. i guess i thought that since your daughter takes off her clothes for a living, that my kids filthy hands wouldnt be your main concern. again, i apologize for my stupidity. thank you for showing me the err of my ways. for telling my son as he walks in the door 'nononono, this just wont do. we must wash those straight away'. wait, are we talking about his hands or your daughters herpes? for all you know, maybe i cant afford soap since the loving ex hasnt paid a cent of child support in 2 years. but thats not really the point here is it. this is about me and my disgrace to motherhood. shame shame shame on me. dirty hands! dirty hands! whats next, candy wrappers in their pockets? 'no no no, that just wont do.'

again, my sincere apologies. you vile, evil, filthy fucking woman.

love,
babys mama

11.18.2004

can anyone tell me what in the shit this means:

"This shutdown was initiated by NT Authority/System. Windows must now restart because the Remote Procedure Call (RPC) service terminated unexpectedly."

it counts down from 60 seconds, just to taunt me i think. hurry up. you better shut all your important shit down really super fast... oh man, sorry about your luck. hope that paper wasnt too important. fuck ye anyways. then it just shuts down. and it does this a few times a day. of course not when im just sitting in front of it, zoned out on a simpsons episode running on my media player, while i eat junk food. no. not ever then. just when i have 8 windows open and im moments from reaching the meaning of life. poof. 60. 59. 58. eat my ass RPC.

and just for my own sanity, i wont get into the rest of the problems i have with my computer. and my keyboard. my keyboard that only works half the time that i hate so much. my keyboard that i wont give in and just install a 'regular' keyboard instead because this evil keyboard that i hate has a volume knob on it. the volume knob that i love so much. stupid stupid stupid.

please help me, even if only because you pity me.

anyone that has had to deal with me on a real life basis for the past two weeks realizes what a total cranky bitch ive been. and they will all get over it. so hush already. im being a wench. i get it.

but oh happy day. here are some of the things that make me happy today:

1. Haagen-Daz has released its Bailey's Ice Cream again. for the record ive been awaiting this moment for a very.long.time. and for those interested, i am so delighted that i think i might have just peed a little.

2. I was driving to the store after I dropped the kids off at school, when on the radio they were talking about horrible gift people. one woman called in and said that after her wedding/baby shower, and for her daughters birthday and such, she would just wrap all the stuff back up and give it as a gift. she said she even gives the SAME item back to who she received it from and would tell them that she liked it so much she bought them one. how terrible is that? man i love that chick. shes my new hero. its no secret that i myself have been known to buy a dress for say, a wedding, wear it with the tags still on, then return it the next day. and my mother insists that im going to hell for it. but at least now i will have some company. yay to me and gift whore girl!

3. im beginning to think this love i have for green day is unhealthy. i mean, its not like i dress up like a rockstar and dance around my room singing all their songs into a hairbrush. much. but in my defense, the obsession has been going on for a decade. so at this point, its useless to seek help. it even says so in the restraining orders.

4. i have this habit of waiting until the sun comes up to send my ass to bed. that makes for a bad idea when you have 2 small dependent monsters. so last night i went to bed at 8pm. i know, im just as shocked. but as i was falling asleep i watched 'elf'. ok, bad movie. it wasnt terrible or anything, im just still recovering from the horrid plot. when i woke up this morning, and about every hour since, i get these little flashes of the scene where will ferrell runs and jumps at the christmas tree to put the star on top, and the tree falls over. it makes me laugh at completely inappropriate times. which makes it even funnier. ahhh yes, good stuff.

11.16.2004

im teetering somewhere between ubber pissed off, and a wee bit sad.

i wrote a nice long post. a lovely one in fact. and its gone. because blogger is a filthy fucking whorebag. shame on you blogger. shame on your very soul.

so instead of reading about my deep and philisophical views on soul mates, instead, i will subject you all to this:

because i can and because i want to.

that kinda makes me feel better. that, and pootie tang.

11.14.2004

FOR SALE: 2 slightly used children, in semi-good condition. diapers and warm clothes included. i would also include toys in this price but as they will tell you, they will still want more anyways. both currently have a little damage to their faces, but that should heal within a weeks time. basic essential information:

smallish monster - will not sleep in big boy bed and will escape from any cage or box you think might work. does not play well with pets or their tails. can poop upwards and out the top of any diaper. frequently bites others. enjoys being upside down but not restrained. will kiss you and hug you and smack you in the nose. climbs and climbs and climbs. throws food. is always hungry. always always always hungry. compulsive drooler. enjoys eatting dog food and dirt. is cute and extremely dangerous.

biggish monster- will insult you and then laugh. will fart and then laugh. makes mad faces and stomps around with arms crossed. doesnt like to share cars or blocks. asks for help wiping his ass just because he thinks you might. will NOT eat rice or broccoli but will devour anything else on your plate. will ask for water 10 minutes after being tucked in. often wears shoes on wrong feet or sunglasses indoors. thinks boogers are yummy. talks about breasts and how its naughty to talk about them. listens when its convenient. holds breath and turns blue. when asked 'why did you do that?' will always answer 'i dont know'.

for a complete list of 'must have' or 'dont fucking ever try', contact me and i will begin looking for a publisher to get it finished. for a short time only i will be giving them away at 50% off (because the big one is bossy and the little refuses to sleep). email or call with any questions. if you are interested, please stop by. the sooner the better. really.

11.11.2004

i dont feel even a little bit witty or clever right now.
but i would feel bad leaving my readers, all 1 of you, without a little insite into the past few days:


-moosies face VS. the sidewalk. the sidewalk won. he looks like he got his ass kicked. he did not find it funny when i told him that.

-big e has learned the art of escaping. from his crib. when hes not supposed to. what a little shithead. damnit son, dont you know you need to stay in your cage.

-i just now found out that jonathan brandis died. a year ago. because he hung himself. im in awe at both the fact that he is no longer with us (and by us i mean the audience that watched all his crappy movies) and at the sheer fact that he killed himself in a way that is both stupid and manly. the stupid i expected. the manly, not so much.

-my sweet child, my first-born that i love so much layed next to me today, brushed my hair out of my face and said 'mommy, you look like a man, but your a girl. isnt that funny.' yes honey, very funny. why dont you tell me i have a big fat ass too. cause you know how that warms my heart. my tiny cold heart.

-john john died a few days ago. i grew up with him. i was there when he had his first son. then he got married and had his daughter. and he started drinking again. and drove off an overpass onto a freeway where a semi hit his jeep. it makes me sick with sadness. i cant find the words to write about him, or the situation, no matter how many times i try. friend #6 that i will bury, because of a car accident. what the fuck. quit driving. quit dying. i cant handle any more. you had 2 kids...

ill attempt to conjure up something charming to write about once the funeral is over this weekend. until then, later bitches.

11.09.2004

DAY 7

i did it, i did it, i did it. (i am totally wiggling my bottom at you, its a shame you cant see.)

i almost feel like a better person. almost. physically, i still feel worse, but i can't just blame the smoking, or lack thereof. i wouldnt want the Womb from Hell to feel left out for assisting in the discomfort level. i figure i cant sleep this much forever. really. one of these days ill actually HAVE to get out of bed. the issue will be whether or not i actually do.

at least now i dont feel so alone. every morning when i wake up it feels like i had a big fat guy asleep on my chest all nite. but i know thats impossible because my bed is allergic to men. either that or its been so long since its seen one, its forgotten what they look like. both are totally possible. and painfully unfortunate.

and this way, with all the money i save, i figure i can buy something really useful for the next election in 2008. like maybe ohio. it cant be THAT expensive. afterall, its just ohio.

11.08.2004

Day 6

survived. not good, not bad.
alive. sort of.

note to the old man driving through town wearing a helmet: i totally think you rock while secretly hating you for thinking of the idea first.

note to the dipshit still dating the girl that is cheating on you: quit trying to be a hero. you look like an ass.

note to Big E: leave the fucking.cat.alone. shes doesnt have your pumpkin.

note to self: you dont want to smoke. you dont want to smoke. you dont want to smoke. oh, what the hell do you know. your head is all full of clean air. i think its damaged your common sense. seek help.

11.07.2004

Day 5

today, today is not good. anyone who says this gets better after the first few days is either a big dirty liar, or a nonsmoker. and i hate both. today has been amply named the 'i hate day' because i do infact hate everything. i hate the fact that i cant smoke to get out of my bad mood. i hate that this feels like its getting harder and harder to overcome. i hate that today, i actually want to give in and smoke. i hate that my exhusband is happy. i hate that he complains about which socks to wear with which shoes. thats a fucking problem? if thats all the stress you have in your day darling, im doing something wrong here. i hate that he has someone, even if shes not much to brag about. i hate that he acts like our kids matter to him. i hate that he always tries to show me 'the brighter side' of everything. fuck you, theres is no brighter side. just a side that involves you, and a side that doesnt. both suck, just one isnt as ugly. i hate that i cut all my hair off. i hate that my impulses always lean towards things i later regret. i hate that my sister is sad. i hate that i am almost angry that she doesnt just 'get it' yet. i hate that weve both been shit on in order to understand. i hate that she feels how terribly low it feels to be in that spot. i hate that for the most part, i only have a few friends who are worth as much as i give them credit for. i hate that im am a mean spiteful bitch that probably shouldn't have better friends. i hate that i dont trust men. not men in my family, not my men friends, no men. period. i hate having to start over. i hate having to deal with people that i have no desire to even speak to. i hate the fact that i stay in this small town because it feels like home. i hate that it has nothing to offer me but i stay anyways. i hate feeling like the dark cloud that follows me around has become a permanant fixture in my life. i hate that i will forever be digging to get out of the financial hole the exhusband has left me with. and i still hate him, and his socks. i hate feeling like i honestly don't give a shit anymore. i hate taking the easy out. i hate that i hate everything so much today. it just makes me cranky and i hate being cranky.

oh yea. and i dont know what the fuck is that matter with me, but i cant remember shit. this isnt from the nonsmoking, this has been happening for a few months now. but i will literally forget what i said 5 minutes ago. i cant remember where i put my shoes. i cant remember why i got up to go into the kitchen. i cant remember that i told someone id do something. i cant remember anything. and this sucks. i feel like im losing my grip on reality. id be very frightened except that i wont remember what im scared about in a few minutes anyways. holy shit im a mess.

11.06.2004

Day 4

day four sucks ass. all that day four consisted of was utter shit. frankly, its a damn good thing i spent about 20 hours in bed today because all i want is ONE FUCKING CIGARETTE. really, is that too much to ask? ive not had one for 4 days now. i think at least i should get some sort of reward. just one, thats it, one. ok, two or three. seven tops. and since i quit smoking it's ok that i want to complain about other stuff too. well, one thing. what does a girl have to do to get a little sexual healing these days? i mean other than wear next to nothing and act cheap. im not quite that low down yet. when i do, i know some girls that will share their barstool with me. but i dont want to be cheap. i dont want to be picky either. i just wanna get my rocks off. im 23, and single. that shouldnt be this difficult.

btw, did i mention how badly i fancy a smoke and a fuck? oh i did? in that case, what the hell are you waiting for.

11.05.2004

Day 3

we have passed the 72 hour mark since the last cigarette. the last smooth, long satisfying drag off that long stick of rotten ass taste. there have been many addictions in my life that i have long since kicked, this being the last straggler. unless we count nail biting but i cant help that because its genetic cause bumpa does it too. so there. but the smoking? no fucking way. i cant. ive spent more of my life with a smoke in my mouth than not. but that says both that its time i quit and that i was a naughty 10 year old. theres always been a dozen reasons why i wanted to quit. ive wanted to for years. but as they say, it takes the 3 elements. ready, willing and able. and the able i was just not. not for the past 13 years, not at the moment i decided to quit. it was funny really. it was like 4 second window of opportunity opened that i had never had before. i knew if i didnt take it in that moment of strength, then i would still be smoking at 30. 40. 50. you get the point. so it was simple really. just like that. i dont think i want another cigarette. and that was it. and i didnt really tell anyone but the obvious live-ins, because it was like that '3 months into the pregnancy thing'. i wanted to wait to make sure it wasnt just a 'nonsmoker phase'. Day 1 was simple really. driving is the worst, so i avoided it and went on accordingly. Day 2, we are still pretending didnt happen. i didnt smoke, i didnt even want to really. but my body. oh my body was not nice. trust me, if you quit smoking your body will fall down and say to you 'fuck you and your cold turkey. you will sleep, a lot as punishment'. and this would be ok if it werent for the headache and the shivers/sweats and the TIRED. where did all this tired come from? but we got through it, without begging or screaming or kicking. in fact, i even overheard my mother tell angie 'youd be proud of your sister. and she isnt even being a bag of shit.' thanks mom for the support and encouragement. be nice or i may be forced to call you a bitch-monger again.

Day 3 Summary:
mood: shockingly even and non-confrontational
cravings: worse after meals or when asked if i needed a smoke yet (yes you heartless fuckers, and it wasnt nice 20 minutes ago either)

11.04.2004

grama made 'elephant' spank his own ass tonite for my 3 year old son.

this from the woman who made angie take back the pack of gum she stole as a tiny girl. this from the woman who thought a trip to the Corn Palace was 'fun for the whole family'. and this from the woman who mastered the art of the Dobson Grip.

someone once told me in reference to an std they had, that is was 'embarrassing and painful.' well yes. correct me if im wrong, but i do believe that is the point. this is not a mechanical pencil were talking about here, its your dick. you dont just pull it out and hand it to the person next to you, even if they did say theyd only need it for a moment. i imagine stds would be better reminders than say, a post it note. note to self: leave my penis in my pants today. i mean, i know christmas is right around the corner and all but go easy on the giving and sharing this year ok stud? honestly, and sadly, theres probably only half the country left without some sort of weird genital rotting sensation. cringe. whats even worse is that they are probably all Bush voters now because we kerry supporters had to fuck like little monkeys to cope after the election.

go bush!
go gonorrhea!
go corn palace!

somewhere inside me there is mature, grown woman. sadly enough, the 13 year old boy inside of me beat the shit out of her. because frankly, words like 'boner' and 'wiener' are still just as funny as they were 10 years ago when it was appropriate. imagine my delight when a mexican restaurant in milwaukee decided to continuously run commercials for their special fish tacos. i mean, come on, fish tacos. not at all appetizing, but very very funny. its terribly hard to restrain myself from going in and sitting down. when the waitress walks over and says "would you like to try our fish taco today?", id turn to her and say, "no thanks, ive already had one, but i told the bitch to go home and take a shower". thats right, being immature is so much more fun.

i also have single-handedly started 'The Great Pumpkin Massacre of 2004'.
one by one...
crunch.
crunch.
crunch.
see, my parents are real into our home. which is fine. its their priority to make it look warm and welcoming. and then these same parents decided to landscape around our already awkward driveway with BIG FUCKING ROCKS. trust me, this poses a large problem for tires and bumpers. especially when youre allowed to park your monster car in a spot the size of a domino. well tis the season! guess what sits atop each one of those BIG FUCKING ROCKS. right. pumpkins.. well, there were pumpkins. until i got pissed off at all the obstacles they were creating and started running them all over with my car. and nothing says seasons greetings like a buncha really shitty looking pumpkin remains. apparently all it takes is some good ole fashioned violence to get a spot in the garage. congratulations me.

oh, and this too.
on the way home from picking up the kids i stopped at walmart to grab some shit to make dinner. im pushing the kids through the aisles hoping that i can figure out what the hell im doing there. toy car. ok thats in the cart, but not for dinner. veggie tales dvd. wtf i cant eat that. screw you kids, mac & cheese it is. and im SO taking money from your piggy bank for this shit. so im in line behind two guys buying shaving cream and lemons. wha? and i might have assumed they were 'an item' if it hadnt been for the taller one leaning in to the other and ever so loudly whispering 'id like to bang... that girl' and nodded towards me. what girl? this girl? this is the only girl in line so it must be this girl. someone wants to bang me. rockin.

ok. so the last event didnt exactly happen like that. or at all. but for the love of god, THEY RE-ELECTED BUSH, cant you let me have one shred of happiness. and come on, someone somewhere must want to. lets be honest, im one sexy bitch. and this bitch needs some fillings knocked out.

11.03.2004

today, i weep.

i say to my county - "country, you let me down. and i think you suck. a lot."

honestly, i cant believe that many of you are completely braindead. but as youve shown, you are. really, i fully believe he could have walked up to the microphone, made loud chicken noises into it and said "i am george w and my head is in my ass. by the way, were going to kill your children and rape your women. thank you. now, if you believe in potato salad, then i like downhill skiing. vote for me!" you morons still woulda voted for him. your shit for brains is starting to stink up my country. putrid lil fuckers, go away.

so as planned in the event of said tragedy, angie and i will be moving to europe soon. and at this point, even france is starting to look almost tolerable. Au revoir american wasteland.

Welcome to a new era. The Era of Thimbles. because after these next 4 years, even thimbles will have higher IQs than the entire united states population combined. so heres to you USA. may you enjoy your decay.

11.02.2004

in recognition for today, i wanted to share a little dooce wisdom:

"And that is why I am voting for John Kerry. Because I am afraid for my rights as a woman and as a citizen of the USA with George Bush as president, someone who believes that he has been called of his God to lead this country against evil-doers. The line between what he is doing in Iraq and what terrorists continue to do to innocent people is too thin, as they believe they are called by their God as well. Not everyone’s God can be right."

today ive done my part. i woke up and went to vote. please go out and vote (but not for bush) because for the love of God, i dont want to have to start killing people. well maybe i do a little.

update: and to further prove my point about bush supporters, i felt the need to include a little humor i found on cate's blog:

worst. reasoning. ever.
i know, i know, i'm not that "political posting" kind of girl, but i had to share what i heard in the lunch room today.


"i don't really like bush, but i'm voting for him because i feel like he got us into this shitty war and he should have to get us out"

huh?

11.01.2004

swedes are wierd.

ok, now. first and foremost i can totally and legitimately say that. cause ive been there. and they are wierd.

but my basis for that theory stems from a conversation i had today with a friend of mine who lives there. being the proud and true midwestern girl that i am, i was quite appauled when he told me that cheese was "bleh". gasp. i know, right. he apparently took offense to my comment about how his culture's food is all strange and fishy. because he sent me this.

i love that the message we send to the rest of the world includes "meat. lots of meat". but by far the best thing is this little blurb they added at the bottom of their 'locations' page: "When it comes to world politics, Canadians may seem like a bunch of pacifists, but boy do they love their meat!" granted, i didn't find any actual evidence that it's real, but i suppose thats worse. the swedes believe fake american humor. see what i mean... wierd.