i was about to write some deep meaningful words spoken by the great rick astley, then i realized that he never actually sung anything all that great and that i watch entirely too much VH1: I Love the 80s Strikes Back.

i do believe there is hope for me yet. now if only i could learn to play 'together forever' on the recorder...

i feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. hard. with a bat. a lot.

"the boy" left today. sigh. youd think that after a few times of saying the same goodbye youd get used to it. but really, you just dont. now 4 more months. then 4 more, then a year. then home to stay. oh goodie. its hard to play the good girlfriend role. hard not the drag his ass back off the plane and scream 'LEAVE THE SERVICE. THROW AWAY YOUR FUTURE. COME HOME WHERE YOU BELONG!' oh wait, that would be selfish. shame on me. so i say nothing. and we all know how hard it is for me to just sit back and god forbid shut my mouth. so again, i wait...

but with that being said, the weekend was amazing. there was much sex to be had. and probably even more shots & baileys on the rocks. oh yes, add some more sex. and keylime cheesecake. and sex. and stilettos. and actually, thinking back, there wasnt a whole lot besides sex. hmmm. not really a wonder now why i enjoyed the activities of the past few days so much.

disclaimer: to those parental figures that might be reading... substitute the word 'sex' with the word 'parcheesi' when applicable.

(oh yea, the one other thing that made my birthday rock, was the people in it. thanks daddy for calling at the asscrack of dawn and singing happy birthday on my voicemail; and to my biggest little moosie for letting me wake up to the sound of 'happy birthday mommy'; and to tara for being the better person and wishing me the best even though i havent been the kind of friend i should have been, and have wanted to be; and to my parents for the coat that ive drooled over but could never afford; and to twon for not being angry when i called angie at midnight wasted from the bar and wished myself a happy birthday repeatedly; and to thad for keeping the drinks coming; and to lizzie & koy for waking my drunkass up and singing happy birthday with a musical 'over the hill' candle in a hostess cupcake; and mostly, to my mother who did all the pushing and labor all those years ago only to have me spend the last 23 years telling her not so politely to piss off. god love you for that.)

happy birthday to me.

word.

i feel like a little girl again.

i have that little jumpy, fuzzy feeling i remember from being young and carefree. laying in a dark bedroom the night before going to disneyworld. the victory in every white horse on angie's side of the road. kissing jesse behind the paint easels in kindergarten. the long ride in the suburban during our move to wisconsin. my first cigarette behind the skate barn in 5th grade. josh taking me out on my first date. calling jenny w. with all the details from the first time i had sex. the way home from kenosha the night i met dave. getting off the plane alone in sweden. watching the monitor as my soon-to-be-husband entered the church in his tux. the first moment i heard my son cry. hearing my second son's heartbeat for the first time. the judge granting the divorce.

its been a very long time since i felt anything.

12 hours until "the boy" flies into the airport.
i feel like a little girl again...

today was rough.

i love you pinot grigio.

here is the following email that both my sister and i received this morning (from our father mind you):

"I just looked "Blog" up in the dictionary and it say: blog ( blawg' ) n. 1. Strange writings. 2. Really weird crap 3. Apparant ramblings by some deranged mind 4. Absolute nonsense meant only for the mentally challenged or some single cell micro-organism to once again prove that the uneducated can prattle on constantly about absolutely nothing of importance to anything. . . . ever.

Below I have the entire content of my Blogthing . . . . (look below, not here stupid)



Welcome to:

Buddha's Blog . . . .

Fuck all of you goofy bastards and go away.

Thanks for dropping by.

Webmaster B."

there is no longer any questions as to why she and i are the way we are. we blame him.

wow. all i can say was wow. my friend bizzie loves evanescence. and frankly, i just am happy looking at their singer, amy lee. last nite we went and saw them play at the colliseum in madison. i had forgotten just how much i miss going to shows. and even worse, i had forgotten about my dreams as a teenager. mind you, ive never seen the glamour in being a roadie or a groupie or anything of that sort. however... i have this deep driven need to have unleashed head-banging, body-shaking, mind-numbing sex with a rockstar. i dont think i even heard any of the music but lemme tell ye, the site of it all filled my fantasy capacity for the next few weeks. or hours at least.

(my sister, who actually DOES get to have a daily helping of rockstar-loving, has since informed me that rockstars are great in bed, while lacking a bit in the whole 'paying the bills' aspect. she still thinks its a fair trade. unfortunately, she also thought that me actually shouting 'bring on the hot chick' probably wasnt going to help me get any)

...guess "the boy" will just have to shake his head a lot during future sessions. could go either way. sexy-sexy-rockstar, or creepy-guy-with-a-twitch.

ok, so there's this rule "the boy" and i have. we each get 3 famous people that if we were ever to encounter, we are allowed to have our way with, without any questions or opposition from our better half. now, there was a catch, as there always is. i got 3 guys, and 3 girls, and since he gave up his '3 guy option', he seems to think he gets 6 girls to equal my 3 of each. um no. soooo, in response to all that nonsense, i've started playing by my own rules. i get 15 guys. so ha! here goes, in order:

1. hugh jackman - hands down, has the #1 spot. the perfect family man, insanely amazing body, his smile is absolutely infectious, and come on now, he played Wolverine (which i will continue to believe was a gift just for me and my undying love for the X-men series)

2. josh lucas - holy blue eyes! let alone those rugged southern good looks and to-die-for accent

3. jack johnson - in my dreams he sings to me... just me. the man lives on the beach surfing and singing... can life get any better?

4. jon stewart - any man that can smile like that while having an amazing sense of humor and timing is great in my book

5. michael j. fox - come get me alex p. keaton!

6. edward norton - the man is brilliant, and neurotically sexy sexy

7. jake gyllenhaal - 5 words... puppy dog eyes & bubble boy

8. (late) sean connery - any man that can have such a lengthy career and still be that distinguished is hot... theres something to be said about older men... and accents (notice a trend here yet?)

9. bruce willis - proving balding middle aged men can be desirable. and those wrinkles around his sad eyes -drool-

10. matthew mcconaughey - good ole' southern charm with a delicious accent... oh yes, and the whole naked bongo playing helps as well

11. johnny depp - mystery, mystery, mystery

12. (early) marlon brando & frank sinatra - i have yet to find anyone so handsomely charming as these two (and i could just eat every inch of those chiseled faces)

13. ben stiller - a comedic genius. amazing. and i have a thing for those quirky jewish boys it seems

14. harry connick jr. - this one is all about the voice. when a man can melt you with a few simple words, thats something...

15. jack black - theres something so refreshingly adorable about a short fat brilliant man that can make me laugh. he also reminds me of one of my ex-husbands best friends who is equally amazing. although the comparision doesnt help jack black in the sexual appeal catagory.

runners up - billie joe armstrong, bam margera, & matt salerno (i had a huge crush on him in my teen years therefore he makes it based on default history)

so there honey, you can have your 6 girls... ill just take my 15 guys and invite them over for a little session with myself and my 3 lucky ladies. don't challange me, i always win. (and that goes for bowling too!)

*for those interested... my 3 girls are gina gershon, charlize theron, and adriana lima ... so the 3 of you can feel free to contact me anytime -wink-*

so it appears i have a virus...

and ive come to the realization they call it a trojan because theyve strapped one on, bent me over, and raped the hell outta my computer.

reveal yourself trojan! come out, come out, wherever you are!

i believe i have just found the single most sexy thing ever...

"the boy" in his plain white t-shirt.
that image in itself will do wonders for me during my 'peak' years...
(close in the running however are firefighter pants or a pair of dirty coveralls)

i think i may need a shower now.

i so totally love today.

here's why i love my job, despite the whole 'its only a once-a-week ordeal':

1. i walk in this morning and say "hey boss, i like the crazy hair today, its so feisty" to which he quickly replies "no, its my 'hangover hair'"...and its a wednesday.

2. i loudly shout things like 'SHIT SHIT' while being secluded in a room and told to rerecord the company voicemail message. when i finish and return to my desk, my boss finds it necessary to reinact the whole thing in the office behind me

3. shoes are optional.

4. my rerecorded message was saved despite the fact that everyone now wonders who the 'new boy' is that handles all the phone systems...

ahh yes, i love my today.

someone please tighten the rope a little... my lips still have a little of their original color left in them.

so "the boy" calls this afternoon. bad news. at this point i have to run over the list of possible scenarios that could be any worse than the recent string of 'bad news':

- an ant-eater coalition has chosen my oldest son to defend them against attacks by the lessor known 'giant ant-eater'?
- the white gooey goodness inside the center of a hostess cupcake will be soon replaced with the healthier alternative: low-carb fat-free no-sugar atkins-approved tofu fluff?
- unforeseen tragedy may extinguish all possibilities of a new feature film where hugh jackman, charlize theron and gina gershon entertain my fantasies with some serious sandwich action?

no. none of those.
it would seem that a certain division at a certain base in a certain branch of the united states military found a need to turn a four day work week into a five day work week. so the smallest amount of pleasure i might have received from the already tight 3 day weekend we had planned for my birthday, is no longer. awesome. but hell, thats okay right? he'll come home again in july. cause twice a year is totally enough. ...bastards.

im thoroughly pissed off.

some people are afraid of the dark.
some people are afraid of heights.
some people are afraid of vomit and parking structures.
and god forbid people are afraid of all four.

...and then there's those of us that are afraid of being loved...

* * *

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
Bertrand Russell