FOR SALE: 2 slightly used children, in semi-good condition. diapers and warm clothes included. i would also include toys in this price but as they will tell you, they will still want more anyways. both currently have a little damage to their faces, but that should heal within a weeks time. basic essential information:

smallish monster - will not sleep in big boy bed and will escape from any cage or box you think might work. does not play well with pets or their tails. can poop upwards and out the top of any diaper. frequently bites others. enjoys being upside down but not restrained. will kiss you and hug you and smack you in the nose. climbs and climbs and climbs. throws food. is always hungry. always always always hungry. compulsive drooler. enjoys eatting dog food and dirt. is cute and extremely dangerous.

biggish monster- will insult you and then laugh. will fart and then laugh. makes mad faces and stomps around with arms crossed. doesnt like to share cars or blocks. asks for help wiping his ass just because he thinks you might. will NOT eat rice or broccoli but will devour anything else on your plate. will ask for water 10 minutes after being tucked in. often wears shoes on wrong feet or sunglasses indoors. thinks boogers are yummy. talks about breasts and how its naughty to talk about them. listens when its convenient. holds breath and turns blue. when asked 'why did you do that?' will always answer 'i dont know'.

for a complete list of 'must have' or 'dont fucking ever try', contact me and i will begin looking for a publisher to get it finished. for a short time only i will be giving them away at 50% off (because the big one is bossy and the little refuses to sleep). email or call with any questions. if you are interested, please stop by. the sooner the better. really.