Day 5

today, today is not good. anyone who says this gets better after the first few days is either a big dirty liar, or a nonsmoker. and i hate both. today has been amply named the 'i hate day' because i do infact hate everything. i hate the fact that i cant smoke to get out of my bad mood. i hate that this feels like its getting harder and harder to overcome. i hate that today, i actually want to give in and smoke. i hate that my exhusband is happy. i hate that he complains about which socks to wear with which shoes. thats a fucking problem? if thats all the stress you have in your day darling, im doing something wrong here. i hate that he has someone, even if shes not much to brag about. i hate that he acts like our kids matter to him. i hate that he always tries to show me 'the brighter side' of everything. fuck you, theres is no brighter side. just a side that involves you, and a side that doesnt. both suck, just one isnt as ugly. i hate that i cut all my hair off. i hate that my impulses always lean towards things i later regret. i hate that my sister is sad. i hate that i am almost angry that she doesnt just 'get it' yet. i hate that weve both been shit on in order to understand. i hate that she feels how terribly low it feels to be in that spot. i hate that for the most part, i only have a few friends who are worth as much as i give them credit for. i hate that im am a mean spiteful bitch that probably shouldn't have better friends. i hate that i dont trust men. not men in my family, not my men friends, no men. period. i hate having to start over. i hate having to deal with people that i have no desire to even speak to. i hate the fact that i stay in this small town because it feels like home. i hate that it has nothing to offer me but i stay anyways. i hate feeling like the dark cloud that follows me around has become a permanant fixture in my life. i hate that i will forever be digging to get out of the financial hole the exhusband has left me with. and i still hate him, and his socks. i hate feeling like i honestly don't give a shit anymore. i hate taking the easy out. i hate that i hate everything so much today. it just makes me cranky and i hate being cranky.

oh yea. and i dont know what the fuck is that matter with me, but i cant remember shit. this isnt from the nonsmoking, this has been happening for a few months now. but i will literally forget what i said 5 minutes ago. i cant remember where i put my shoes. i cant remember why i got up to go into the kitchen. i cant remember that i told someone id do something. i cant remember anything. and this sucks. i feel like im losing my grip on reality. id be very frightened except that i wont remember what im scared about in a few minutes anyways. holy shit im a mess.