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1.07.2005

sometimes, a new life must start with acceptance.

the last time i remember feeling 'okay' was in 2000 when i got married. subsequntly, it was also then that i had no idea who i was. all i knew was that i was aarons wife, and that was good enough. we were lost little puppies playing house. and i was happy. happy in my diluted state of self. cooking, cleaning, playing mommy and wife. and as my marriage disolved, the bubble of safety and certainty popped. i fought vigilantly to save the life two struggling children had built. you can fight the good fight, but sometimes failure is inevitable. wedding vows arent contracts, or promises. mine was just a faulty bucket with a hole in the bottom. so began the great search. the endless journey of 'now what?' after long enough, it becomes easier to go numb, than accept life for what it is. good or bad is merely details. id often find myself wandering, zombie-like almost, chanting the ever popular mantra "this is not my life, this is not my life." you cant imagine how suffocating it is to be informed of the truth. this is my life. and it was forever passing by as i sat and watched it from the station. idle and waiting. waiting for the next stop that looked promising. looking for the train with answers. looking for something, anything, to make sense again. they say a rolling rock gathers no moss. accept that for me, even a pebble can stop this rolling rock. and frankly, the moss makes it that much easier to hide. hide from what i should have been doing and where i should have been headed. my husband, was the worst thing that ever happened to me, aside from myself. he was the cause of every inch of myself that i lost. i on the other hand, allowed myself to become the result. i became okay not feeling comfortable in my own skin. and i welcomed the smoky fog that settled over my family. my marriage was my lifes greatest failure. now, its time to make sure that my life isnt its own greatest failure.

so to create order in my life, i will start small. one resolution at a time.

1st new years resolution:
- quit smoking
(oooh, see, i already did that. look at me go! go dog go.)

1.04.2005

i heart tomtmoney.