dont tell me you cant afford it.

dont tell me youll do it later.

dont tell me you dont want to.

it could have been your mother. your child. it could have been you.

donate. again if you have to. $1 from each of you will give a meal to a child, medicine to an elderly man, or hope to a family.

wow.
that sure ended badly.

welcome to my life's series of unfortunate events.
im what lemony snicket was talkin' about.

so you know...

im not dead or anything. im just in love. its gross, trust me.

and in our new house we dont get actual internet PERSAY. its sort of 'borrowed' access. some might even call it 'stolen', but those people are NOT COOL.

when he drops to his knee, ill make sure and let everyone know. granted, he is pretty old, it may take him awhile to get back up. poor bastard.

until then, dont worry about me. just remember, my life is better than yours.

(insert commercial promotion)
THANK YOU MATCH.COM !

ok, thats all. just so you know.

scene - grama and moosie are sitting in the living room.

(toilet flushes in the distance)

moosie: grama, i think someone is in the bathroom.

(moosie runs to go see. no one is in there anymore. moosie runs back.)

moosie: i think it was aunt angie.

grama: why do you say that?

moosie: because it smells like angie.

grama: well how does she smell?

moosie: angie smells like me when im dirty.

my ex-husband has ginormous nads.

and not because hes well endowed. in fact i hope someday he finds this blog just so i can tell him I WAS FAKING THEM. so last night, in a conversation about the weekend visitation arrangements, the following conversation took place:

A-Hole: So about our kids this summer. I know I said I wanted to have them for extended stays, but I wont be able to. Im double timing it here trying to find a job AND taking care of the baby.

Me: (crickets chirping)

A-Hole: And besides, we are trying to catch up. And [she] needs a new car.

Me: Whats wrong with her car?

A-Hole: Nothing. But I want her to have a shiny new one. She deserves it.

Me: Oh yes, she deserves it. And our son needs diapers, but he hasnt really EARNED them has he. and you owe me thousands and thousands and THOUSANDS in child support, but its not like caring for them alone deserves a car. certainly not.
or
Me: Yes, because 3 adults in that house that take care of ONE INFANT is really tough work. She needs a break. Or a Lexus. Either way, she deserves it.
or
Me: So tell me, exactly how does one "deserve" a new car? By giving professional lap dances or merely by putting up with you? If its the latter, then fuck man, she deserves a trophy. And some glasses. And a clue.

ok, so none of those last things were actually said. because any thought that contains more than 3 words is too much for him all at once. here, let me help you a-hole...

YOU.
ARE.
AN.
ASSHAT.

so i was thinking...
(yes i know that can be dangerous.)

i need a hobby. well another hobby. because really, i have hobbies now. if by hobbies, we are talking blow jobs and superheroes. but i was thinking, more creative, less explosive.

i used to write when i felt all 'tortured and misunderstood'. and it was natural. the results left a little to be desired, but still, i could string words together to make sentences. and now, i have to write things down in broken gibberish just to remember socks first, shoes second. nothing makes sense. im lucky if i finish an entire sentence that conveys an actual message. even he has said 'sometimes i just read your emails and scratch my head, thinking "what in the hell is she talking about"?'. see, people, this is what im talking about.

so as like many things, my hobbies change with the seasons. everything is a variable depending on mood, temperment, yada yada yada. i need something that doesnt alter. help me here kids. i need something that will continually hold my interest for a whole 10 minutes or more. you know, like blow jobs.

sometimes, things just work. and ive always been one to say 'love isnt everything'. you cant build a life together on love alone. can i promise that this will work? of course not, but i am willing to bet on it that it will. and i am wiliing to put down my life on the fact that both he and i would die trying to keep us together. do i know how things will be in 10 years? nope. but i know he will still look at me like im the most beautiful thing hes ever seen. and i know his devotion wont have wavered. steadfast and headstrong. an unstoppable force.

tonite we made the decision. this weekend we will pick out paint colors and room arrangements. the first step to making ourselves a home. us. our home. our family.

how do i know?
because i feel it even when i sleep. when i watch my children climb onto his lap with a book. when we are the only ones still laughing. when the silences are everything but uncomfortable. when he would rather play board games with my parents than go to the bar. when we lay together, in the light of the morning sun, i just know.

i have the WORST case of the mondays. gah.

i cant focus. i feel completely out of my element today. the kids are being stubborn. he is far away for business. and if i have to watch the incredibles one more time, so help me god.

now on to happier things. i now have less money in my account than zero. im not even breaking even. i cant even afford to complain, but here we are. look at me go. i think i might just slit my wrists to celebrate all the red.

paging through my archives, i have come to realize a few things.

first, theres a lot to be said about pain and anguish and solitude. standing back, the posts that throw me into fits of giggles, are those shadowed with the dark clouds. all the pent up hostility made for some visciously good entertainment. mostly at other peoples expense. so that makes me a bad person. a bad person who mocks her ex-husband for being a complete lack of anything special what-so-ever. so be it. hes a moron, im a bitch. but hell, i was funny then. i spit and swore and rarelly made sense. two words: classy. lady.

and sadly, i find myself less and less humorous as the posts progress. it has become more of a chore to sit down and try and be witty. and its not that i think ive become dull or boring. but i have found other outlets to gear my humor. someone to laugh with. and be stupidly silly with. someone where the clever isnt editted for viewers pleasure. just naked, raw laughter. and that, is far better than any written words.

so on that note, let the games begin:

Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf."Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have Mr.Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!

ok, so i said i would not post anything about he-who-makes-my-heart-flutter. whatever, call me a liar if you must. so heres my dilemma. i have to make the man an easter basket. in fact, i do believe he mentioned something about 'laying down the law' and 'you get one if i get one'.

really.
come on.

strippers in camouflage with hand-held tools. oh yea, thats right, it has to fit in a basket. a basket that can be hidden. and the whole 'honey, dont look at the large woven basket with naked women in the backyard' idea wont work. and i already bought him socks. for our second date. seriously.

what do you buy a man who has everything? ideas would be GREAT. someone out there has got to be a little more creative than i am, and can properly use email. get to it.

ode to all things green. top 5 greens:

1. billie joe and the boys
2. green eggs & ham
3. that jolly giant guy
4. envy
5. oz

high fives all around for mr.patrick and his entourage of clovers.

whats your favorite thing green?
(if anyone says boogers, ill slap you. moosie already staked his claim with that answer today.)

for those of you that were here earlier, yes, there was a post here. and a photo. (see, you lucky ones saw our disgusting cuteness)

but i chose to remove it. i have my reasons.

him. he will be my secret. he is my priceless gift i will keep sheltered from the world. away from the eyes of the readers. away from the soiled opinions of the rest of the world. something i wont share with everyone. a piece of me that i will safely lock away. because its too cherished. too personal.

him. he knows what he means to me. i dont need to try and attach words to it. i couldnt even if i tried. its like trying to describe a sunset to a blind man. or an orgy to a virgin.

you are entirely right. you deserve at least that much.

and please just trust me when i tell you that it has nothing to do with what kind of a friend you are. it has nothing to do with you at all. but it does affect you. i know that. that makes me the shitty friend, not you. its not because i dont love you. its not because i dont trust you or respect you or believe in you. or in us. its just something i do. honestly, i dont even know why. its just the way im wired. i dont even realize i do it until its gone too far. i run away and hide myself from the faces of the world. the people ive let down. the people who wont abandon me. i abandon first. its a safety precaution. its weak, and pointless, and this i know. and just like each time before, after long enough passes, its easier to stay away then step forward. easier to feel alienated on my accord, not because you wanted it to be so. but im learning. and im trying. the only way i know how. to not let it be so long. to not miss two more years that i can never get back. to not do that to you again.

i miss you. i miss him. i miss each day that your baby grows. i wish i could be a better friend. most days i dont know how.

but you were right, you deserve more.

it has been quite a while since i can remember feeling angry. just hostile and pissed, waiting to throw down with a vengence. i spent a good deal of my life in a state of teenage angst, youd think i would be used to it. but shit man, it sneaks up on you just when you think youre good and happy.

i so do not miss this anger. anger at the dmv for charging me $70 to renew my liscence plates. for fucks sake uncle sam, its not like i shit money. angry at my bank account for mocking me with its single digits. angry at the film place that screws us over every.single.time. no really, its okay kodak people, i didnt really want the family vacation photos anyways. angry at the snow because on my calendar, it says MARCH. angry at the people who call my business to sell ridiculous items like omelets flippers. to my business. my business that does not have a damn thing to do with omelets. and angry at myself that i will inevitably own omelet flippers and fish windsocks and other pointless objects because i have not yet learned the art of saying no.

son of a bitch.
i want to throw something. someone pass me a midget.

ok, i totally ripped amy off and stole this from her. if its bold, trust me, i done it.

01. Dyed your hair
02. Been a DJ
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Been arrested
05. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Taught yourself an art from scratch
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Had a booth at a street fair
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Built your own PC from parts
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Rode on a motorcycle
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
48. Rode a horse
49. Had major surgery
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
55. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Changed your name
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Parasailed
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Skipped all your school reunions
84. Started a business
85. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
86. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Written your own computer language
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything!
108. Gone back to school
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gotten someone fired for their actions
115. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Had your picture in the newspaper
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Eaten kangaroo meat
129. Been a sperm or egg donor
130. Eaten sushi
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
134. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds at one time
142. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Had sex on a moving train

i am totally counting on you mr.d to help me out with #75 and #76. marvin gaye, we salute you.

last nite, he drove 2 hours just to take the kids and i out for dinner. just to see us.

dude, quit hogging all the brownie points...

as a welcome back into the "incestuous blog circle", i agreed to a massive orgy containing all the dish that inquiring minds want to know. no really though, its just because im lame.

so heres how this works:
1. leave a comment saying something like "i want to see your panties" or "hit me baby one more time". you know, something of that nature.
2. i will then leave you 5 different questions.
3. go to your own damn blog and post your answers (because really, this is my site, its about me, not you. a-holes.)
4. include all this nonsense in your post and keep the rabid circle going. (this is the work of the devil. if not him, then maybe like geraldo or someone as equally disturbing)

blame cate for this:
1) When are you coming to Arizona to visit your fabulous sister?
when my patent for vd prevention passes and i get rich. come on, who wouldnt buy something called the clap-err.

2) If you could have the hair of any celebrity, whose hair would it be and why?
the don. cause trumps hair is a damn anomaly.

3) Favorite ice cream topping?
ill take mine smothered with naked men. hold the ice cream.

4) Favorite jungle animal and why?
leopard - only because it remind me of the dysfuncial family circus with the caption "Christ daddy, at your age you should know that a leopard-print G-string does not make you King of the Jungle. Do me a favor and put some motherfucking pants on." thats gold.

5) Anklets, slutty or sexy - and why?
so beverly hills 90210 slutty. god i bet if i bought one i could score someone like brandon walsh.

ok, next was deano.
1. Does age matter?
yes little one, i adore you, but im not going to jail for you. besides, im taken.
so as long as both people are LEGAL, age matters not so much. unless of course we are talking about purchasing handguns or pornography, then, unfortunately, age does matter.

2. What blog do you look up to and aspire to be?
i dont really 'look up' to anyone elses blogs. i enjoy the different writing styles for different reasons. i personally think i am a hero. YOU should look up to ME sonny.

3. If you could form the perfect band ever, who would be in it (can only consist of living members)?
oooh. perfect band. lets see, oh god i couldnt make a real band. all the sounds would clash and there would be a lot of arm swinging, and weeping. and 'oi's. but i think it would be fun to see like:
david hasselhoff (vocals)
lisa simpson (sax)
luke duke (harmonica)
california raisins (backup vocals)
me (air guitar)
steve gadd (drums) <---- need at least ONE real musician burt reynolds (just to stand there and be Bandit)

and we would totally call ourselves like "Bananarama Sucks a Fat One" and we'd do covers of songs like "Two Princes " and "Rump Shaker". and we would throw up the 'horns' at totally inappropriate times. my apologies, loyal readers - i have gone too far.

4. If you could be one wrestler, who would it be and why?
macho man randy savage. fucking a-right. (in fact, i believe it was my 'oh yeah' ala randy savage style that bagged my beau. that or the constant stalking.)

5. What is your favorite smell?
mmm - strawberry feet. damn you angie, damn you.
no really. i love the smell of new tires and new cars and coconut lime verbena. or a greasy mechanic. someone fetch me a bib.

And a super secret 6 question: Why the hell don't you post anymore?
uhhh, isnt that what this is? silly child, pay attention.

sometimes we need to take a step back from the dilluted reality. sometimes we need to find the light that can offer an alternative to the dark. and sometimes, we get more than we imagined.

one day. one hour. one year. our worlds spin around frames of time. measuring the steps from moment to moment. god, has it really only been two months. ive spent 24 years trying to built what i have in two months. thats it. not a decade, not an year. two months.

work. the business finally has sprouted wings. ive poked at this flopping lifeless fish for two months now. poke poke. my image is no longer just a faceless box. she is growing and emerging into a full blown financial acheivement. breasts and all.

him. he was waiting for me to be ready. nothing, nothing, can explain this. this is what life is about. he is what living should feel like. im ready.

i forgot what it felt like to be okay. i forgot how it felt to stand on two feet. i forgot how bad it stings to miss friends, and let them down. i forgot how to be the mother that i am. i forgot about me.

this time, this year, things will be different. its time.

sometimes, a new life must start with acceptance.

the last time i remember feeling 'okay' was in 2000 when i got married. subsequntly, it was also then that i had no idea who i was. all i knew was that i was aarons wife, and that was good enough. we were lost little puppies playing house. and i was happy. happy in my diluted state of self. cooking, cleaning, playing mommy and wife. and as my marriage disolved, the bubble of safety and certainty popped. i fought vigilantly to save the life two struggling children had built. you can fight the good fight, but sometimes failure is inevitable. wedding vows arent contracts, or promises. mine was just a faulty bucket with a hole in the bottom. so began the great search. the endless journey of 'now what?' after long enough, it becomes easier to go numb, than accept life for what it is. good or bad is merely details. id often find myself wandering, zombie-like almost, chanting the ever popular mantra "this is not my life, this is not my life." you cant imagine how suffocating it is to be informed of the truth. this is my life. and it was forever passing by as i sat and watched it from the station. idle and waiting. waiting for the next stop that looked promising. looking for the train with answers. looking for something, anything, to make sense again. they say a rolling rock gathers no moss. accept that for me, even a pebble can stop this rolling rock. and frankly, the moss makes it that much easier to hide. hide from what i should have been doing and where i should have been headed. my husband, was the worst thing that ever happened to me, aside from myself. he was the cause of every inch of myself that i lost. i on the other hand, allowed myself to become the result. i became okay not feeling comfortable in my own skin. and i welcomed the smoky fog that settled over my family. my marriage was my lifes greatest failure. now, its time to make sure that my life isnt its own greatest failure.

so to create order in my life, i will start small. one resolution at a time.

1st new years resolution:
- quit smoking
(oooh, see, i already did that. look at me go! go dog go.)

i heart tomtmoney.

ive learned the secret to holiday weight gain. if youre gonna put on a little insulation, it better be damn good and worth it.

so in that case, make mine a hugh jackman and orlando bloom sandwich. supersized.

holiday dos and donts

- DO NOT use the word 'syphilis' in the presence of certain company. some people are sophisticated and proper. we are not. and by we, i totally mean angie.

-DO buy me a molten chocolate cake from chilis. and quote lines from kung pow while we share it. i am lings father, wio-wio-wii

- DO NOT burp in the confined, closed space of my car. yes, that terrible face i made was because it smelled rotten. oh, and the laughing, that didnt help. and the farting, well you can just stop that now.

- DO search every store within a 50 mile radius for the 4th ninja turtle. your child is worth it. especially when they tell you its okay you still didnt find it because "rafael will find us ma".

- DO NOT make me wait outside the bathroom at our family christmas party for a half hour so you can give me a play-by-play on your pooping status. there are some things even your mother doesnt need to know. like the fact that it was similar to a taco.

- DO buy me a fleece hat with horns so my son can call me a 'biking' and all the boys in his class jump up and down and call me a moose.

- DO NOT be a wiseass when i buy your child a black babydoll for christmas. i know you grew up sheltered and all, but no, it was not "barry bonds kid". although, i am still saddened that the name 'clitoris' was vetoed. she woulda made a good clitoris.

- DO move your head when i swing a TMNT dvd at your head. because i will hit you, and you will deserve it. turtle power.

- DO NOT playfully bash your kids face into the checkout counter at best buy. because the shrill wails of pain take it from playful, to not so much.

- DO buy yourself some "office max earrings". because everyone needs a pair of fancy earrings. and lets face it, round these here parts, going to office max is a treat.

dear anj,

god im glad youre home. with that said, i need to upfront make my apologies for this. for its content and for not telling you directly. but to be honest, i get kinda weepy everytime you scrunch up your face like that and cry. i dont like being the one to make your face do that. and not including the wooden apple incident, i try to never do anything to cause you sadness or pain. i am your sister. in my job description it says that i should listen and be compassionate regardless of my personal opinion on any given situation. however, i am your sister. the sister that never was much good at keeping quiet. above all, i love you.

however. you stated on more than one occasion that you didnt want christmas and you didnt want to come home because youd have to do it alone. that this year, you would be without the other half you came to know. now i realize that youre just incredibly sad and that you need to go through your time to mourn. everyone deserves thier time. i also know that you really wanted to come home, but maybe you just hoped it would be under different circumstances. that you would have a companion in your travels. but you dont. and like it or not, christmas is still coming. you know as well as i do that when you walk through this front door, christmas takes over and puts you in a choke hold. theres no way around it, you just have to find a way to embrace it. its not going anywhere. you have spent 28 christmas' with this family, and only 1 with him. im not trying to minimize your pain or emotions. but we are your family. we are here to help you remember and help you forget. to help you go on. to help you understand that while this is probably the hardest time, that this is the time to keep going. weve been there. ive been there. youre not the only one that has had to make revisions in the way you see the future. thats how life goes. you fall down and get back up. brush yourself off and keep moving. and so help me santa, i will drag your ass through this holiday if i have to. youre here. were with you. nothing, including the touch of a man, can replace your family for christmas.

so, here, drink this cup of baileys and cocoa (or four) until you feel better. because damnit, i dont like telling you these things but you need to buck up and put some party shoes on. cause weve got big plans. big big plans. so if youre ready, ill be waiting at victorias secret. hurry, and bring your jubblies along.

i love you.
kate.

happy holidays and good will towards men (except those of you men that i would consider a complete fucker. ... and cam, i still like ye even though your a fucker)

moosie: "mom, listen. i know the reindeer. i learned the song. theres dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen. thomas, queper, donner and blitzen. and rudolph is the famous one."

oh. my. god.

i dont know which is worse, the fact that he made himself one of the reindeer or the obvious drug reference. what an arrogent pothead he is.

this morning, i was up at the counter checking in for my doctors appointment, which is right next to the dermotology department. anyhow, i was standing there, waiting for my insurance card, when a man walked up to the adjacent counter...

"hi, i have an appointment at 9.30. sure, the name is michael jackson."

how ironic, especially since the pediatrics wing is on a different floor.

dear exhusband,

i know its the season of giving and love, but i dont think sharing your VD with me is what they had in mind. so really, please stop trying to sleep with me. just stop it. because its not only gross, but there is just no fucking way. sure, i admit, i was weak and gave in a few times after we seperated. and not just the time we made our second child like i told everyone. because it is humilating enough to have to admit that i married you, and worse to admit you stuck anything of yours near anything of mine. but that was then, you know, like when i was still out of my mind and doing things of a disgusting nature, like smoking and having sex with you. weve been divorced for a year and a half now. you have ANOTHER kid. the fact that you claim im your 'freebie forever' cause i used to be married to you, is both fucking retarded, and a long shot. youd have better luck trying to convince ben affleck into bed with you. not that you havent thought about that on many occasions. so to put it bluntly, on a scale of 1-10 of the chances of me sleeping with you, you rate at about a FUCK OFF ALREADY. so everytime you call and tell me you have your hand in your pants, i am neither surprised, nor amused. the simple fact that you have your hand in your pants is pretty much just saying that your keeping up with that hourly schedule you must so desperately need these days. and if you think that it might prompt me into some steamy phonesex fantasy, you are wrong. very very wrong. yes i remember when we would have sex on the porch, it was gross. yes i remember having sex against the front door to freak out the bible study group across the halls on tuesdays, that was gross too. yes i remember all those things, but as i hear you remind me of them it makes me want to claw at my ears and watch my breakfast reappear. so in summary - not going to happen, not going to happen, not ever in a million years even if you promised me an endless supply of hostess cupcakes is it ever going to fucking happen. ever.

all my love,
kayde (you know, the one still waiting for some child support)

ps. everytime i hear you say anything about wanting to fuck, it makes me think of cheap booze and strippers. i wonder why that is.

some days, living with your parents is hard to choke down. others, its almost like dying, then being tortured, and then dying again. you see my point. but realistically, even on my worst days, the days that seem like it is unbearable to deal with the insufferable Queen of Darkness any longer, i remind myself that it could be worse. i could live with dad.

poor poor angie.

living with our father, is like this... imagine standing in a dark room, alone, with no exits. there is a mosquito, monica gellar, a drill sergeant, and voices in your head. pleasant isnt it. now kick the drill sergeant in the crotch and then spill coffee on the carpet. VOILA!

he can go on and on for hours and hours and hours about how the dishrags shouldnt go in the same load of laundry as the washcloths because they each require a specific amount of oxyclean and if you accidentally put one in with the washcloths then you will throw off whole balance of the clean world and then holy shit what we use to clean up the ring on the counter left by the heinous coffee mug and OH MY GOD...

you are a crazy little tiny man.

and you, angie, poor poor angie, get to live with him. but on a lighter note, on those worst days, when it seems unbearable, remind yourself, that it could be worse. he could play chilean flute music before dawn.

oh wait. HA HA HA. i know its so mean and nasty and i should pity you and not mock you but since im incapable of any emotion HA HA HA.

its not your birthday anymore so piss off.

there once was a girl from nantucket
her head was like that of a bucket
you think thats big?
you aint seen a thing
you should see the size of those OH MY GOD ARE THOSE YOUR ANKLES CAUSE THOSE ARE THE BIGGEST.ANKLES.EVER.

happy birthday big seester.

in honor of your many years of life, i shall remind you of the horrible things you did to torment me as a child:
-when mom would leave you in charge, you would write her notes about how naughty i was and put them on the highest shelf where i couldnt reach them
-you say something along the lines of 'youre adopted' or 'i overheard mom tell dad that she didnt want you anymore' and when id get mad and scream youd smile all smug-like and say 'see, thats why'. (you did that alot. i hated that the most. i hated that smile. i kinda want to slap you right now while i think about it)
-you were sneaky and quiet and VICIOUS. (damn, that was smart)

and now, because im not the 'naughty little sister' i once was, i'll give you a few things that made me love you despite the VICIOUS. and the QUIET.
-in 1st grade, every morning i would cling to you sob and scream when you would have to leave to go to your wing of the school. and every morning you would hug me and tell me i would be ok and that you wouldnt be far away. you didnt hiss at me or belittle me or whisper mean things about being adopted.
-even though you were 5 years older and WAY TOO COOL for it, you would play dress up with me and do my hair in silly ponytails all over my head. and you would smile (not the smile that makes me want to slap you) and laugh and pretend that you werent too cool (i admit, you were kind of a dork and maybe you werent too cool for it but because its your birthday we will go with the former story)
-even though you always threatened to tell, you never told mom any of my secrets until we were older and we started telling her things just to watch her face squish up and tell us that she hoped we really never did those things. but we so did.
-and you kick so much ass now that it physically hurts to think that youre all the way out in arizona. partly because im jealous of the warm weather, true. but mostly cause you are a damn fine sister. i cant say i want to grow up like you because i have unfortunately already grown, and youre way shorter, and lets face it, cool or not cool, you cant achieve this.

i love you anj.
way to be 29.

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

last nite the tree went up and the kids circled it like hungry predators. it took 5 of us to get the tree straight and stable. that of course involved 1 baby laughing as the needles tickle his face, and 1 moose to use the flashlight in the ever-popular 'strobelight' fashion. keeping with my childhood tradition, we strung the lights while the kids danced to the john denver & muppets christmas album. big e mainly just spun in circles and in his dizzy-drunken state, often fell into the tree. moosie did all the things that make me crazy, but remind me that hes just a 4 year old boy. not the intellegent, capable grown man i see him as. the house feels more and more cozy as christmas creeps in. im still fighting the tiresome battle to get THE angel on top of the tree. the fact that it has been the staple in every single one of my christmas' hasnt convinced my mother. you see, it doesnt go with this years 'christmas fruit' theme. hey ma, its called tradition.

tra-di-tion.

come hell or high water, that angel will sit atop that fucking tree. this isnt over yet.

the 25 days of christmas:
(1 memory of europe for each day)

memory lane - next exit.

1. i wore a skirt and heels on the plane. OVER ICELAND. for 16 hours. stupid stupid stupid.
2. mcdonalds does not sell cappucinos there. that is bad news after a long flight. they did however have redbull (this was nearly a year before it was introduced in the states). it scared me the first time i drank it.
3. the peanut butter tastes like sand. its grainy and unsweetened. whoever thought of just crushing up peanuts and calling it peanut butter had a bad idea.
4. my friends mother didnt speak english, but she could make some damn fine wool socks. and in american tradition, i got drunk and ruined them when i stuck my foot in the space heater after i had passed out.
5. there are 3 types of parties there: preparties, parties, and post-parties. i never made it past the first (in my defense their liquor is potent. its like drinking rubbing alcohol mixed with moonshine)
6. my first nite there, we had a party (shocking, i know). one guy in particular was super scary (lets refer to him as thor-arne olsen) and chased me around like we were in kindergarten. i ended up hiding under the desk of a guy i really really fucking hated.
7. after that day, i rode everyday about 30 minutes each way on a train to see 'guy-i-really-really-fucking-hated'
8. he left me in a train station the first nite and i missed my trains because i couldn't understand norwegian yet. i cried in that station for 3 hours until some friends came and rescued me.
9. no i didnt 'really-really-fucking-hate-him' anymore. not even after that. in fact, i dated him, and enjoyed it. we would laugh together and brush our teeth before bed together and cook together. he was quiet and gentle and reserved. he was a kindergarten teacher for gods sake. though he wasnt affectionate, and he was a bad lover. but i enjoyed our time just the same.
10. he and i took a trip up to a cabin in the mountains with 3 of his friends. they sang soccer songs or chants in norwegian on the way there. i was so embarrassed at the time. now i think it was kind of cute.
11. there was no electricity or plumbing. in the mountians. IN NORWAY. so we drank to stay warm.
12. his friends drove the car into a ditch the first nite so we were stranded for 3 days with like 30 cases of beer and a whole bunch of free time.
13. this is also where the famous 'drunk kate in the bearpussy hat' photo comes from.
14. somehow, through like 5 feet of snow, we made it home, and i made it back to to the 'house of sin' in oslo.
15. the 'house of sin' had 5 norwegians (3 who were good friends of mine) and 3 swedes living there. the 3 swedes lived in the basement. one of them was the most beautiful man ive ever seen. everyone whos seen his picture agrees.
16. the legal drinking age is 18 there. i was 17. the first time we went to a pub, they asked (in norwegian) the guys how old i was. they told him (in norwegian that i was 20). when he asked me, i told him 18. he let us in anyways, despite my pub-ignorance. and we got very very drunk. and went to see 'mulan' in the theater. i fell off my seat. it felt good to be laugh so much at a kids movie with men in their mid-20s. each one of them would have died for me, they were like big brothers. but way cool big brothers, the kind that fly you across the world and get you good and drunk.
17. i ran out of money, so i took a cab across oslo to meet an american business associate of my fathers who forked over some more cash to get me through the next 2 weeks. the cab ride cost me nearly as much as he gave me.
18. i spent the money taking a train to sweden. and i smoked in the bathroom on the train and put my cigarettes out on the 'no smoking' sign. yea, such a rebel.
19. and i ate lutefisk. because i wanted to be a nice guest. and it was worse than it looks. trust me.
20. and i kicked -all- the swedes asses in lazer tag. i mean, really, i handed it to them. some claimed their guns were broken. another said it wasnt his fault, hes 'just a poor little retard'
21. i consumed more cider (not crappy woochuck type cider, GOOD european cider) than my entire body weight.
22. the last nite in sweden i was basically carried to the train, fell and hit my head as i boarded, and woke up in oslo with a lump on my forehead and the worst.hangover.ever.
23. julebrus is the cure for any drunk related ailment.
24. there are many uses for a large, pink soap-on-a-rope penis.
25. i got to spend over a month with more than 50 people who love the same things i do. damn it was a good 6 weeks.

god i miss my friends from overseas. christmas time always makes me miss them.

jag älskar dig & god jul.

while i was running errands today i had to make my daily stop at blockbuster and The-Heavenly-Place-That-Sells-Sandwiches. i also had to make a stop so i could buy a new calendar for next year and some more chocolate milk. the need for more chocolate milk has become up there on the list with necessities like OXYGEN. so i figured i'd run into kmart since it's in the same strip mall.

big. mistake.

apparently the requirements to shop at kmart should be published at the entrance:

number of teeth + number of working limbs = 6 or less

because seriously, and i try to be kind, i really do, but those people should not have been allowed in public. they should be trapped under the stairs of the basement and left to feed on rats and bathe in their own ugly. it was a reject shoppers orgasm in there. i need to go home and take another shower. you know, just in case the mix of IcyHot and Kathy Ireland Perfume rubbed off on me.

i swear, i need to go back to walmart where the rest of the pretty people shop.