holiday dos and donts

- DO NOT use the word 'syphilis' in the presence of certain company. some people are sophisticated and proper. we are not. and by we, i totally mean angie.

-DO buy me a molten chocolate cake from chilis. and quote lines from kung pow while we share it. i am lings father, wio-wio-wii

- DO NOT burp in the confined, closed space of my car. yes, that terrible face i made was because it smelled rotten. oh, and the laughing, that didnt help. and the farting, well you can just stop that now.

- DO search every store within a 50 mile radius for the 4th ninja turtle. your child is worth it. especially when they tell you its okay you still didnt find it because "rafael will find us ma".

- DO NOT make me wait outside the bathroom at our family christmas party for a half hour so you can give me a play-by-play on your pooping status. there are some things even your mother doesnt need to know. like the fact that it was similar to a taco.

- DO buy me a fleece hat with horns so my son can call me a 'biking' and all the boys in his class jump up and down and call me a moose.

- DO NOT be a wiseass when i buy your child a black babydoll for christmas. i know you grew up sheltered and all, but no, it was not "barry bonds kid". although, i am still saddened that the name 'clitoris' was vetoed. she woulda made a good clitoris.

- DO move your head when i swing a TMNT dvd at your head. because i will hit you, and you will deserve it. turtle power.

- DO NOT playfully bash your kids face into the checkout counter at best buy. because the shrill wails of pain take it from playful, to not so much.

- DO buy yourself some "office max earrings". because everyone needs a pair of fancy earrings. and lets face it, round these here parts, going to office max is a treat.