you are entirely right. you deserve at least that much.

and please just trust me when i tell you that it has nothing to do with what kind of a friend you are. it has nothing to do with you at all. but it does affect you. i know that. that makes me the shitty friend, not you. its not because i dont love you. its not because i dont trust you or respect you or believe in you. or in us. its just something i do. honestly, i dont even know why. its just the way im wired. i dont even realize i do it until its gone too far. i run away and hide myself from the faces of the world. the people ive let down. the people who wont abandon me. i abandon first. its a safety precaution. its weak, and pointless, and this i know. and just like each time before, after long enough passes, its easier to stay away then step forward. easier to feel alienated on my accord, not because you wanted it to be so. but im learning. and im trying. the only way i know how. to not let it be so long. to not miss two more years that i can never get back. to not do that to you again.

i miss you. i miss him. i miss each day that your baby grows. i wish i could be a better friend. most days i dont know how.

but you were right, you deserve more.