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4.29.2004

so one of the blogs i read, unwed mother, is about an older pregant woman who has made the decision to give her unborn child up for adoption. i cannot help but read and reread an entry from last fall that included the following:

"...Khalil Gibran, on the other hand, says
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
(From “The Prophet”)"


in so many ways that touches me, and tugs at the guilt that i harbor about being a mother. most days i hold my head high and deal with whatever comes. thats my job right? to handle it. my children need me, they depend on me. tons of other people raise children alone everyday, if they can do it i should be able to. but i cant. i feel like im robbing of my children of the life they deserve. the life that i cant provide. my mother worked her ass off for many years to keep take care of my sister and i. we wore hand me down clothes and rummage sale shoes. we didnt always have the fancy new bikes or the namebrand anything. we ate meals at home and played in the dirt for free. and we survived. in fact, we more than survived. what we didnt have monitarily, we had emotionally. who the fuck cares if we had rags or riches. we had each other. and not a single day passes where angie or i resent her for our upbringing. we respect and admire her. even more, we trust her. trust that regardless of what we do or say, she will be there. stick by us. and damn, im willing to bet there were days when she felt hopeless, and afraid. felt like she was cheating us. felt like there must be someone else in the world that could provide better for us.

when i sat down and originally started writing this, i was clutching the idea of how selfish i am for not giving my children up. for not giving them the chance for a better future. "For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable." for realising that this bow is far from stable. for not loving them enough to let them go, and flourish. but as i was writing, i was flooded with memories of my childhood. with emotion. with a stabbing, sick feeling. what if my mother had given up on us. i am who i am because of her. sure i may be a little obsessive compulsive or quick to anger from my fathers genes. but im an avid believer in the environment over heredity theory. she is why im devoted and loyal and honest to the core. she is why im rational and level headed even when my feet run away with me. she is why i strive to be kinder. wiser. better. i can only hope that one day my boys will learn the same things from their mother... the same one who was afraid, but held steady and never waivered...

most women spend their whole lives worried they will turn out like their mother. if only i could be so lucky.

4.28.2004

today, today i needed to laugh. life has once again gotten the best of me and its exhausting. in fact right now, on the television behind me, my wedding song is playing on some media whores heartfelt idea of a commercial to encourage the consumers to go out and pay out the ass to uncle sam for overpriced shit that they dont need anyways. lovely. so you can imagine my need for a bit of tastelessly inspiring humor. and just when i think men have taken all the fun out of everything, tara sends me this.

see, im not that bitter. theres still hope for me yet!

"eddie, you keep talkin' like a bitch, im gonna slap you like a bitch" -mr.blonde

a funny thing happened to me tonite. i couldnt sleep. thats not the funny part, cause well, i never sleep. not ever. anyhow. the funny part was that i didnt spend it in front of the computer. i had very little enthusiasm for the mud. i did however have a nagging urge to watch every quentin tarantino movie ever made. sweet geezus, i needed that like i need a fucking hole in the head. i honestly think that now ive lost my mind. yup, right over the edge. wiiiii. but i will take the anxious, jumpy feeling in my chest. bring it. so so so worth it. i will walk away from this with 2 new outlooks: a) there is just all together not enough brilliant creative minds like that in the world. b) michael madsen. oh lord the things i would do to that man. my world is a much better place with the mental image of him in it. and trust me, for your sake, let that be all i say about him. i will keep the rest of my thoughts reserved for my personal fulfillment.

"that woman deserves her revenge, and we... deserve to die..." -budd. aka sidewinder

the topic of blogging and its purpose has come up a lot lately. particularly, in reference to the personal level on which a person chooses to post about. theres a handful or two of blogs i read daily. some are personal, some are not. in my opinion, both are equally enjoyable. i however, choose to take the personal path. for me it was an easy decision. i write what i do for 2 reasons. as a release. i write it, then let it go. i dont have the time or patience to let all the bullshit seep into everyday life. so i sit down at night with a cocktail, and unwind. secondly, as a written history. to learn. despite my many years of rebellion, i spent a good number of them being shaped into who and what i was supposed to be. by my family, my husband, my peers, whoever. here is where im me. like it or not. raw and uncensored, i can pick apart the words and find myself. does it scare me that i lay out all the deep shit for everyone to read? not really. vulnerability is not a weapon unless youre afraid of it. this is me. and im not afraid. do with it what you will. thats your choice. im not in this for you, im in it for me. luckily for you im crazy enough to provide a little entertainment along the way.

"are you gonna bark all day little doggie, or are you gonna bite?" -mr.blonde

4.27.2004

its been decided. im going back to school.

no i dont know what ill study.
no i dont know if ill succeed.
no i dont know what the hell im doing.

im tired of being afraid to fail. im tired of being mediocre. im tired of letting my kids down. im tired of pretending to be financially secure.

fuck you who say i cant do it. i will.
fuck you who say i cant make something of myself. i can.
fuck you who have always doubted me. fuck you dad, im not worthless. fuck you aaron, ill take care of what you wont. fuck you men, im not just an object. fuck you teachers, im not a lost cause. fuck you life, ill rise above what youve handed me. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

there. now that ive gotten that out of my system, im bout to grab this bitch of a life by the horns. hold on. the monkey on my back is pissed.

4.26.2004

irony. so fun its like a barrel of fucking monkeys.

im screwed, and not particularly in the way one would usually like to be screwed in. the mind numbing sad that has led up to this point is gone. no more playing fair. no more being nice. locked, trapped in a box. im ready to fight. bring all the ammo you got. i fucking dare you. im wielding a fistful of broken promises. you better be prepared for what comes next. dont even try to make deals with the angel inside of me. you destroyed her long ago. what else do you want from me? you took all i had to give. now take this too. youve created a monster. dont think for a second i wont turn on you and bite. you think youre an exception? youre not. you think you can manipulate me? you wont. and even worse, you think you can make me love you again? you cant. i would like nothing more than to hand you the lives you ruined. here, you fix them. im tired of doing your dirty work. my god, be a fucking man. no one is going to give you a medal for taking care of your girl and this baby. thats your job. you obviously didnt learn it with the first 3 kids. you didnt take care of them either. you were a pathetic father then. youll be a pathetic father now. kudos for fooling your whore. but you forget that im not that naive. im in your head. swimming around in your memories of shame and self hatrid. good, im delighted to see you hate yourself. your life. i hope you look at it with the same distain your sons will when they are old enough to see you for what you are. so congrats. youve managed to take the rest of us down on your sinking ship. everytime you even think about smiling, i hope you see my face. i will haunt every new memory you make. you poor thing. it must be exhausting to make a life of walking away. watching me struggle in the dark for a hand. something. anything. something to grab onto. something to help me carry all this weight. alone. alas, there is one ray of light. one shred of peace i will take, all for me. when you go to bed everynite, youre the one that has to know that tomorrow you will be the same selfish prick you were today. and that my darling exhusband, thats what you have to carry. alone.

welcome to rock bottom - population: me.

4.25.2004

the kids are gone. the company is gone. the loud noises are gone. and holy fucking balls is it nice. i mean i love my kids, and i love my friends. but i also love having a quiet house during these oh-so-fun peak hours of a hangover. not just a little one either. this hangover has gone plaid.

so the manwhore pays us a visit from the 'big city'. its safe to say he will probably never be back for a visit. for so many reasons. most of them including the horrors of our small town 'excitement', like bars that only sell beer in cans. and maybe even a little to do with me being a total asshole. yea, id say more likely the second one.

and thank you tara for the massive cold that has declared war directly behind my face. the sneezing and snot and stoopid voice make for a freakishly erotic sideshow.

nothing makes me smile more than spiting my exhusband. why? because im a bitch, thats why. like watching the look on his face when our 3 year old proudly said "listen dad, fo shizzle my nizzle bizzle". that my friends, is fucking priceless.

this weekend was fun. and informative. brian can NOT draw a lion. or a walrus. or a ghost. in fact, brian just plain cannot draw anything but railroad tracks and potatoes. and it seems robert may have never seen a globe in the entire span of his life. pam is a penguin goddess, and tara... well tara got stuck with 'kitchen'. face it boys, you lost. bad. and dont blame it on 'in orbit'... ya'll just fucking suck.

ahh, 2.30pm. finally starting to sober up. im not a lush, i just have a cold. this puts the old days of wake 'n bake to shame. theres nothing like getting out of bed at 5am and doing a dozen shots of baileys alone. ok, except for maybe this...



oh yeah baybee. thats right. im just that damn sexy.
fo shizzle.

4.22.2004

bleh. tara got me sick. so naturally its not such a good day to start with.
i get my wake up call from the rat pack. so much better than an alarm clock. reason #1 why today might not suck. plus now i havent wasted the day sleeping, as usual. maybe ill accomplish something. or not. still reason #2. and the apartment is so clean that i can see my reflection in the air around me. reason #3. and when i sit down to read my morning blogs, theres a message flashing on my screen "good morning beautiful". damnit, now its officially a perfect morning. i think this girl could get used to this.

oh how i loathe thee, let me count the ways.

1. real world san diego. eenie meenie minie moe, which drama whore has to go. robin is dating the marine now so shes tolerable. marines are like qualudes, they just chill you right the fuck out. frankie has lost it. and not because she a freak, but because shes just plain nuts. and jaime. ahhh sweet concerned cheesyass jaime. "...and thats when i realized, frankie was a cutter." cameran has the maturity level of a fetus. shoot me. someone please just kill me already before i have to endure anymore of this estrogen induced ignorance.

2. rent. butbut... cant i just live here and not pay you? still cant seem to figure out why the landlords wont take the idea and run with it. some people are just so closed-minded.

3. ex-husbands. no i wont fuck you anymore. get over it.

4. porno. ok, i like porn as much as the next guy. trust me on this. however, i have yet to understand the inner-male fettish in watching women pee on each other. what the fuck is that all about? golden showers bring may flowers?

4.20.2004

as most of you know, im a sucker for reality tv. if you didnt know before, i am. and im not ashamed. well maybe a little. so last nite tara and i watched 'the swan'. i was a virgin to the swan before this. this is probably the only time youll ever hear me say id rather have stayed a virgin. however, it brings me to the topic of plastic surgery. now, im all about being natural and ugly if thats the case. im also one for self improvement. so yea, i want breast implants. will i ever get them? if i can afford to without effecting the necessities for my family... hell yes. and while im at it, i would get a few other adjustments; the tummy and the teeth mainly. i would however, not get my face done. id rather be naturally ugly than plastically horrid like they turn out looking. theres some dignity in aging gracefully. it appears people have traded values for ratings.

now. temporary solutions. ok, more like temporary lapses in judgement. lets get down to the real issues at hand. ill even go slow here, take baby steps. kates hair is long. kate never does anything with it. kate chops it. kate is sad, so very very sad. kates sister is gonna put extentions in. like everything else fun in her life, it never happens. soooooo. now, do i chop my hair again or let it grow out? i hate this in between shit. id prefer it long, but have no patience for that. also, i havent had bangs since i was like 4. suddenly i long for them. sounds foolish im sure, but i feel like im missing out on some cool club by not having any. so for the sake of changing shit up a bit, im going to let you all decide. choose well, cause i do know where some of you live...

(also, please slap me continuously if i ever write in 3rd person again)

4.18.2004

my weekend was fanfuckingtastic. and reading back to some recent postings ive realized im tired of all the 'getting in touch with myself' and 'waa waa i have feelings' bullshit. so instead of blogging about all the personal triumphs and excrutiatingly boring self-reflections that occured this weekend, ill write a few things that have substance...

top 5 enjoyable things about champaign, il:
(as i was reminded, i forgot to mention that i got to spend some time with THE manwhore in the flesh... no not that flesh, sickos)
5. bon jovi, angry snakes and sex dice
4. having your ass handed to you at both pool & darts, and still bragging youre the best
3. barefoot, drunken 'pogo' dancing (and stumbling)
2. yelling 'pussy' outside a crowded yuppie bar during fraternity & sorority formals
1. having one of your dearest friends wash your dirty feet because youre just that damn drunk

top 5 enjoyable things about indianapolis, in:
5. steam clocks and canal walks
4. blisters on your feet bigger than your actual toes
3. stollen spoons from steak 'n shake
2. crying uncontrollably at 2am with the best person in the whole world to cry with
1. learning french

4.16.2004

1.30am Bedtime. ive got a shit ton of things to do before my weekend starts. i have to get up early and spend the entire day preparing for my travels. 6 hours of sleep. not ideal. but for me, not bad. woowoo. little bit of illinois here. little bit of indiana there. sounds awesome right? right. so gotta get some sleep so i can just get to the weekend in one piece.

2.00am Phone Rings. i am so not answering that.

2.21am 1st Text Received. navy boy is drunk. and still awake. atta boy.

2.30am 2nd Text Received. now im awake. ok. im ok. so i talk for a bit. but only a bit. im only slightly off course from attempted bedtime.

3.15am 2nd Bedtime. zzzZZZzzz

3.50am 3rd Text Received. damnit navy boy, go to bed. oops, its not navy boy this time. ok. why are you texting me? go away.

3.53am 4th Text Received. again. why are you texting me again? shoo.

3.55am Response to 4th Text. "stop"

3.59am Phone Rings. "what does 'stop' mean?" ok. ok. now im not ok. now im just pissed. who the fuck are you to think you can call me at 4am when ive told you how busy my day will be? how the fuck can you even sit and justify it? and mostly, who the fuck do you think i am? your girlfriend? god no.

5.35am Still on the Phone. go away go away go away. im so tired of being nice when you just.dont.get.it... and while im at it, youre offensively arrogant with your "i hate people with a selfish nature." guess what dood. youre selfish. and you suck. now go away before im forced to tell you what i really think.

6.03am Still on the Phone. ive been forced to tell you what i really think. however, you wont let me get a word in edgewise unless its to scold me for interrupting you. by the way, i think i hate you now. no wait. i know i do.

6.34am Blogging. the baby is up. i am up. still. the day is ready to begin. glad i got that good nites rest in me. was beginning to think i may actually have been able to enjoy my weekend.

4.14.2004

is it friday yet?
is it friday yet?
for the love of god, IS IT FRIDAY YET?!?!?

bah.
so i find an out. my chance to leave. to get away from the chains that hold me down in a small town that has nothing to offer me. not that michigan has everything to offer me, but its a change. im not running from the things that make here rough. i just feel like i cant plant my roots here. this isnt where im supposed to be. at the end of the summer, if i realize that michigan isnt the place for me either, then its simple. i leave. but at least finally ive found my wings. im not tied down to a life of mediocrity because i watched opportunity float by. however. see, theres that however again. my mother was less than thrilled about the idea. i think she would try and convince me that the heavens would open up and the skies would rain bluebonnets if she thought it meant i would stay. i think shes terrified of not seeing the baby. i think shes terrified of not seeing me. and i think shes terrified that i might find my way without being under the shelter of her wing. what i think she doesnt realize is that its okay to be terrified. hell, im terrified. but i think its time this last little duckling went over the hills and far away...

on a lighter note...
i killed myzrin this morning. well actually, elin(stigmata), greg(xar), jon(darkblade) and i did. sliced his little dwarven-raisa worshiping-stoneskin wearing-mines xping-ass into little bits. and boy did it rock. like the fucking casbah. it was all about quick thinking and stoopid surface arrogance that played in our favor.

oh yes, and while im on a mudding tangent. i officially stake my claim to killing the kalanars and skullfucking their remains. i shouldnt have to justify it, although i can. simply. all of the "neutral" kalanars are unspeakably lame. we may as well invite llanowar down to UD sometime for a fucking teaparty.

4.13.2004

the baby is due in july. their baby. his baby.

it must not have sunk in. i must not believe it yet. i havent cried or yelled or done any of the other routine things that come with the exhusband territory. so much of me wonders all the obvious. will he tell this one its a burden too? will he resent it for simply existing? or will he hold it, and love it and do all the things that daddies should want to do. maybe its the defense mechanism in me that wont let me feel. wont let me grieve. maybe its my own guilty conscience. i feel disloyal to my children for hoping he will actually care for this one. but im a mother. i know the heartaches of explaining to your children that even though daddy left, he still loves them. i know the sinking feeling in your chest. the one you get when you have to lie to your children to shelter them from the abandonment. i would never wish that upon anyone. not even her. the same her that threw the last wrench in our marriage. the same her that begged a man to leave his wife and kids. the same her that has filled my place in his familys life. in his life.

im still waiting for this to hit me. to become real. maybe tomorrow i will wake up in a fit of anger. maybe tomorrow i wont. the only promise i have for tomorrow is that i will wake up, and kiss my children, and silently thank their father for giving them to me...

4.11.2004

i preach about simplicity and solitude. i expect others to overcome all the drama and complications. how fucking hypocritical of me. lets face it. im not simple. at all. im tangled in a web of unresolved issues. i walk around in a state of diluted contentment. im safe if im guarded. im safe if i dont let you in. im safe if i dont feel. im so unbelievably tired of struggling to build an army of happy faces. im not happy. not like this. not pretending to be strong. hiding all the battle scars. ive always been quick to point out the weaknesses in others. like a predator feeding off of a triumphant defeat. god how fucking arrogant. and blind. last nite, i was reminded that im not always in control. there are somethings i have no business trying to dominate. life isnt always a series of victories and achievements. people arent lessons. broken hearts arent trophies. and there are somethings time doesnt heal. after the divorce i ran and hid in corner, licking my fresh wounds. i buried the years of resentment under a bed of self-destruction. look at me, im okay. the bruises have faded, i must be over it. i wasnt lying, or pretending. i fully believed i had it all figured out. that i had my shit together. im the girl that bounces back from everything. im fine. trying endlessly to escape the self-loathing from my past, i built myself a new foundation of instability. there were things i overlooked. all of things that i couldnt see. didnt want uncovered. didnt want revealed. trust. theres no such things as people without selfish motives. love. how could anyone love the real me. the me thats weak and fragile. fear. please dont leave me again. power. if i can control you, you cant get in. cant hurt me. oh my god. how could i have let myself become that. become everything i hate. i guess people are right when they say it takes losing something important to learn our lessons. i did lose something. and i did learn something. both are life changing. and both numbingly painful. but here i am. guards down. and honestly, im scared to death. but fuck, finally, maybe, ill be free. and happy. finally.

thank you both for handing me a mirror. for giving me my life back. myself back. be patient with me. have faith in me.


faith, even when the layers have been peeled away...

4.10.2004

shame on me.
its quite frightening to read things from when im drunk. and the stories are even worse. after reading it a few times (and weeping a little) i decided not to delete the previous post. its shameful. its pathetic. but its just so damn classy. yea, im all about the classy.

and just as a word of warning. dont give babies twizzlers. and definately dont take it away and eat it right in front of them. they dont like that. trust me on this.

fock i am so vrey drunk.
jon is a sbitch cause i dont want to blog.

forced into sumbissoin to blog! the horror!
webcam is broek.
no LotusVision (tm) tonitte.

one motnth and you will all be sdorry.
ima gonna praty like a rockstar.
COME GET SOME!

4.09.2004

if only you knew.

just when i thought id never understand you,
...you made everything make sense.
just when i imagined you were gone,
...you stepped back in.
just when i thought i wouldnt let myself,
...i did...

i might be naive. i might regret it later. i may have striped away the layers that protect me. exposed, and refreshed. here i am... come to me. find me. be scared. be vulnerable. but be here. with me.

4.07.2004

woowoo.

hell has frozen over and the planets have aligned.
yes, it is indeed official.

i got a job.
eek.

not anything spectacular mind you. just another shitty serving job at just another shitty restaurant in this shitty little town. however, it is in fact a job. and they will in fact, pay me. and lets be honest here. i need money more than the pope needs a rimjob.

so try and maintain some composure. i am just as freaked out as you are about it. guess i will have to give a notice of resignation to my current position: slacker extraordinaire.

4.06.2004

so it has been decided that the plans for the annual FR party will be held in a large cabin. said cabin sleeps 12-16 people i would imagine. i do however believe that there will be approximately 30 people staying in this particular cabin. and tara and i have already found our 'bunk boys'. im envisioning a more realistic scenario with all 4 of us crammed in one bed.

hmmm, people stacked atop each other. it'll be almost like living in the projects. only way more white trash.

goodbye suburban livin'.
welcome to the honkie ghetto.

4.04.2004

last nite provided many drinks. many many drinks. sadly, it did not provide the essentials: no nakedness, no mud wrestling, and no kissing girls. an extremely docile evening. unfortunately. i have no wild stories to share. no children that were frightened. again, unfortunately.

oh wait.
there was a wee bit of frightening.
more like suffocation really.
must. have. air.

4.03.2004

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
~James Dean

simplicity is an artform we learn from those we least expect...
-make me a flower from a paper Denny's napkin while i make you wait.
-give me a piggyback ride and expect one in return.
-sing like you dont care whos listening.
-wrinkle up your eyebrows, just because.
-laugh with me like we've laughed that way for years.
-use a diaper to wipe your hands with just to spite my mess.
-forgive me for pretending to have an 11 year old sister.
-congratulate me when i burp. again.
-embrace my quirky tendencies.
-respect me. despite my many guarded bounderies.

fortes fortuna adiuvat.

snow white fell to the apple.
sleeping beauty the needle.
me? i fell to chocolate milk and driving lessons.

i dont want to close my eyes...
i dont want this day to end...
i dont want to forget...

please god, dont wake me.

4.02.2004

i have had little energy to do much of anything lately, let alone try and muster up enough wit to blog.

this weekend ought to provide me with some frighteningly unwholesome stories however.

stay tuned. the insanity will continue shortly.