i preach about simplicity and solitude. i expect others to overcome all the drama and complications. how fucking hypocritical of me. lets face it. im not simple. at all. im tangled in a web of unresolved issues. i walk around in a state of diluted contentment. im safe if im guarded. im safe if i dont let you in. im safe if i dont feel. im so unbelievably tired of struggling to build an army of happy faces. im not happy. not like this. not pretending to be strong. hiding all the battle scars. ive always been quick to point out the weaknesses in others. like a predator feeding off of a triumphant defeat. god how fucking arrogant. and blind. last nite, i was reminded that im not always in control. there are somethings i have no business trying to dominate. life isnt always a series of victories and achievements. people arent lessons. broken hearts arent trophies. and there are somethings time doesnt heal. after the divorce i ran and hid in corner, licking my fresh wounds. i buried the years of resentment under a bed of self-destruction. look at me, im okay. the bruises have faded, i must be over it. i wasnt lying, or pretending. i fully believed i had it all figured out. that i had my shit together. im the girl that bounces back from everything. im fine. trying endlessly to escape the self-loathing from my past, i built myself a new foundation of instability. there were things i overlooked. all of things that i couldnt see. didnt want uncovered. didnt want revealed. trust. theres no such things as people without selfish motives. love. how could anyone love the real me. the me thats weak and fragile. fear. please dont leave me again. power. if i can control you, you cant get in. cant hurt me. oh my god. how could i have let myself become that. become everything i hate. i guess people are right when they say it takes losing something important to learn our lessons. i did lose something. and i did learn something. both are life changing. and both numbingly painful. but here i am. guards down. and honestly, im scared to death. but fuck, finally, maybe, ill be free. and happy. finally.

thank you both for handing me a mirror. for giving me my life back. myself back. be patient with me. have faith in me.


faith, even when the layers have been peeled away...