the baby is due in july. their baby. his baby.

it must not have sunk in. i must not believe it yet. i havent cried or yelled or done any of the other routine things that come with the exhusband territory. so much of me wonders all the obvious. will he tell this one its a burden too? will he resent it for simply existing? or will he hold it, and love it and do all the things that daddies should want to do. maybe its the defense mechanism in me that wont let me feel. wont let me grieve. maybe its my own guilty conscience. i feel disloyal to my children for hoping he will actually care for this one. but im a mother. i know the heartaches of explaining to your children that even though daddy left, he still loves them. i know the sinking feeling in your chest. the one you get when you have to lie to your children to shelter them from the abandonment. i would never wish that upon anyone. not even her. the same her that threw the last wrench in our marriage. the same her that begged a man to leave his wife and kids. the same her that has filled my place in his familys life. in his life.

im still waiting for this to hit me. to become real. maybe tomorrow i will wake up in a fit of anger. maybe tomorrow i wont. the only promise i have for tomorrow is that i will wake up, and kiss my children, and silently thank their father for giving them to me...