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10.31.2004

pretend im a horse with one wounded leg. just fucking shoot me already.

really, if i ever ask to move in with my parents again, please, by all means, remind me of today. she calls it "convenience of living". bullshit, i call it "lick my balls you self-righteous bitch monger". you can take your house rules and shove them down that Queen-like throat of yours. heres some for you... house rule #368: when you actually reverse time and push both my children from YOUR loins, then, and only then, can you tell me how to raise them. house rule #369: when my kid says someone is a "babe" or that someone (cough cough) is being "totally cranky", thats allowed. in fact its looked highly upon. house rule #370: some kids (gasp) fart. and not in the bathroom. and like everything else, youll get over it. so, now that weve come to some sort of agreement, lay the fuck off about how i parent. quit trying to make me into the parent you were, or werent. quit trying to make me into the parent you want me to be. im not those things, im the parent i am. and im not ashamed. i admit im not the best, but im certainly not even close to par with the worst. at least im fucking involved. at least im teaching them to be polite and kind and generous and loyal and honest. at least im here. thats more than a lot of people can say. so back the fuck off already. the "you need to pay better attention to your nurturing parental skills" bullshit is getting old. i love them immensely, and they know that.

so there. keep on trucking, mom.
(damn ive wanted to actually use that line for so long)

10.29.2004

it is official. i am ill.

this damn cold thing has rendered me completely useless. of course, if they made whining and sleeping olympic events, id have that gold baby. i feel like shit. really. like shit. the pressure in my face makes it hurt to even open my eyes, let alone try and focus on something. at one point in my day, i actually thought about plunking them out with a spoon just the make a spot for the pressure to escape. and the sore throat. lord the sore throat. screw you chloreseptic, you arent even real medicine. youre weak, and you cannot fool me. i just want to whine. and have somebody actually take care of it. not just stand there and look at me and say 'but youre a grownup mom, its your job'. i dont wanna. i want the go back to sleep. i want to feel a little less like a zombie. and damnit, i want some more chocolate milk.

man im sick. someone come take care of me.

10.28.2004

i sent you a letter today.
i hope i hear from you.
i miss you.
fuck what everyone else says.
fuck what everyone else thinks.
im still proud of you.
i always did admire you.
this is just temporary.
maybe lenghty, but not forever.
some of us will still be waiting.
even if we werent always there.
i cant speak for anyone else.
but for what its worth,
im sorry if i let you down.
and i love you.
and i miss you.

10.27.2004

ye know how all those married women say 'not tonite honey, i have a headache'... well i hate those women. cause i have one hell of a headache, and frankly, i think a good lay might just do the trick. the narcotics sure arent helping. and the next best thing to prescription drugs and cheap booze is some lovin. and one of my friends pointed out how naked he was and how unfortunate it was that i couldn't partake in the festivities. yeah, thanks for sharing asshole. damnit. i just want some cheap meaningless dirty sex. well, maybe without all the dirty.

in fact, just because i wanna, im gonna start frequently using the word 'canoodling'. not because its such a great word, but moreso because i am fucking lame.

10.26.2004

oh. my. god.

jakob has his first girlfriend.

the worst part is, he didnt even tell me, HIS MOTHER. i overheard him telling grama when she tucked him into bed tonite. "...her name is dallas. she told me that im her boyfriend and shes my girlfriend. and i like her. shes very nice to me. shes my best girlfriend. but dont worry, youre still my friends too..."

ok. so appearently he didnt catch onto the whole 'youre not ever ever ever allowed to date' discussion. granted, the idea of my 45 year old son still living in my house might be creepy when the time comes. but right now, as far as im concerned, hes staying with me forever.

GOT THAT JAKOB!?!? youre never leaving home. so go tell dallas that she can just move along and find herself another little 4 year old boy to date! and i will ground you if thats what it takes young man!

10.25.2004

"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in." -George McGovern

this past weekend, i watched the beheading of the american soldier on the internet. and to be frank about it, im glad i watched it. it was the most horrific and disturbing thing i have ever watched. i guess i knew it was inhumane. but i thought more of a quick sweep across the neck with a machete. instead, you could hear the soldier scream as they used a small knife with slow sawing movements. it was awful in a way that is indescribable. but nonetheless, thought provoking. our country is no better than they are. we use violence as a means to prove a point. we kill people just as cruelly to show our power and status to the world. both sides make me equally sick. both make me equally ashamed. they are not better, and we certainly aren't either. i could go on for hours about specific political acts and pathetic endeavors. this isnt meant to insinuate that president bush is an immoral person and complete disgrace to our country. i do infact believe that, but that goes without needing to be said. im saddened that this is what our soldiers give their lives for. im saddened that families will lose mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters and so on for all the wrong reasons. we fight for our freedom. this is freedom? one man leading millions into certain death for the 'greater good'? i am not a soldier, based on my convictions about it. but i do respect those that are. i am however an american, but i pity those that are proud to be.

10.17.2004

watch out fuckers, the bitch is back in town.

for the sake of anonymity, ive decided not to change your names, because frankly, i dont care who knows youre assholes.

for starters, since you can't seem to understand the communication guidelines in the adult world, ill drop to your level so you can understand me. after all, im the bad guy, the one who has done you so wrong. so far youve failed to come up with reasons for all the drama. you want me to be the bad guy? dont say you never get what you wish for. hell, who am i to disappoint. you think im a bitch? you think ive hurt you? you aint seen nothing yet. how pathetic. your little overworked minds have been filled with the bullshit the other wants you to believe is real. thank god neither of you have secrets. just things you'll tell the other one 'when the time is right' oh no! what have i done! oh shit, here come the beans!

if word around is that i talk shit, let me open up a whole new realm of spreading shit. unlike yours, mine is factual.

lets do a little spelling test... C-O-W-A-R-D-S. congratulations, you've just spelled brian & amy! eenie meenie minee moe, which little fucker is first to go...

brian! ok, lets review:
first things first. if you talk to me in that fakeass 'im your best friend even though i secretly hate you' kinda way, and i blatently act like youre a fucking retard, theres a reason. being that you actually are. because you got a free ride to college doesnt make you smarter than me. it just makes you arrogent for acting innocent. now. let me tell you a few things i think you ought to know about your girlfriend. how many times a day does your girlfriend tell you she loves you? and how many of those times do you think its a lie? lets try... 100%? sad really, how she even admits to her friends that she doesnt love you but will tell you anyways. id say thats the kinda girl id want to take home to mom. but hey, shes known as the shapeshifter. she can change and adapt to any person, any situation, just to make the person(s) shes around happy. even if that means talking shit about the same people she just talked shit about you to. always has been, always will be. that is the nature of the beast i suppose. but since youre pretty good at the whole great-guy bullshit persona, i think youll manage. and wouldnt you be interested to know that she is tired of how you control her, and that you "interrupt her school life". she has said more than once how sick of you she is and hates how you plan her breaks and decide what youre both doing. funny how she tells her friends she wants to break up with you but then meets you the same weekend in iowa city and plays nice-nice. "more humor, less drama". oh wait, because last time i checked drama was being pussy enough to bring real life issues into a fucking computer game. im gonna kill her character because im a lying fuckhead and she knows it. you want to bring drama, bring it. if you're not man enough to fight real life with real life, so be it. ill be waiting. and while we're on the subject, you might want to ask her about her track record in the 'faithful girlfriend' section. the number is sadly low, if even existent. or better yet, ask her about her track record since shes been with you. as the saying goes, its 10 o'clock do you know where your girlfriends crotch is? she might be due for a checkup soon. oh wait, thats right, she said that cleared up a few years ago. i think your safe. for now.

no amy, we didnt forget about you. unfortunately.
all comedies need some tragedy to balance it. the sad part is that when all your bridges have been burned, youre left standing with no one to help you put out the fire. even bridges that take 10 years to build can turned to ash within moments. so for your sake, you better fetch some fucking water! you wonder why youve always been treated like the bitch of the group. two options... youre fucking delusional, or you really are the bitch of the group. both are highly probable. by the way, congratulations on looking like a fool and letting your boyfriend put you right where he wants you. bravo on the great mind control. you always did have a way with observation. and dumb as i think you truly are, i have to give you credit for catching on occasionally. you were right, brian did want raini instead. the first night at freddies he was talking to everyone about seeing if he had a chance with her. sorry buddy, shes a little out of your league. but hey, dont feel bad, because when we suggested you he even said you were kinda cute. maybe no raini, but kinda cute. talk about a backup plan. what is unfortunate for you is that you were 3rd in line, or last as it seems in our group of single girls. cause he and the rest of us spared the truth about the first choice. personally, i find it hilarious that he told you i came on to him. because as i recall the first night i met him when we were dancing he tried to kiss me and i said no. and as i was told he asked a few of our friends 'why wont she make out with me?' and he says im the slut? looks like someone doesnt like rejection is all. and handles it piss-poorly i might add. but ill go easy on him. hes had a hard life. i mean, if mommy and daddy hadnt paid his rent and bills and bought him the car and paid his tuition, just think of the middle-class life he might have had. anyone thats walked in those shoes, even if they did cost $150, deserves some sympathy. he sure has the right to tell me about how life is. shame on me for picking on the precious little rich kids. im sorry amy, i didnt mean to pick on your boyfriend, im sure he loves you. even if you werent first pick. or second.

hooray, look at me! im the bitch!
since i supposedly talk all kinds of bad shit about amy in my blog, i thought it was only fair i actually do. and as far as the past posts go, i mentioned amys name in ONE post where the entire rest of the post refered to lewis black. and yea, i admit, i cant handle her for long periods. i dont know anyone that can. and if you can constrew my entire post about lewis as bad-mouthing amy, then you two, are in fact, complete morons. and to let you know upfront, i expect you both to jump up and down and yell and scream and say 'none of its true! shes lying!' and you know what? im ok with that. if you can both convince each other, as you so often do, thats fine with me. im not losing anything by it. when i go to sleep at nite i know that everything ive said, is the truth. and every time ive talked shit, ive done the right thing. ive stepped up and said 'yea, i said this for this reason' thats what adults do, but i wouldnt expect either of you to know how to do that. so go on and whine and act tough, point fingers and spread lies, everyone knows its coming. its nothing we havent heard from you before. oh shit, were really in deep shit now, everyone knows. quick, hurry up, cover for me. lie again and say grama wont give you money and ill say i have to work. no wait, better yet, lets blame kayde! shes the bad guy! how dare her! what would her mother say, she wasnt raised that way! blah blah blah im a fucking douchebag. lets drag everyone into our miserable existance. maybe, just maybe, i will finally be loved. look children, its like a fairytale. a really, really fucked up fairytale.

and the best part is, i dont feel sad or sorry or angry or hurt. because to quote you brian, "you dont help me grow as a person, and thats not what i want in a friend."

and by the way brian, sorry to tell you and the rest of the world, but i heard youre a bad lay.

10.13.2004

word of warning: any decent size mixture of pills should be taken with food. despite what the doctors or pharmacists tell you, it is necessary. just ask my former stomach.

let me tell you. all these years i have been afraid of puking. and now, its not so much the puking that bothers me. its the crippling dry-heaving that does it. and i know this because after you throw up the pills and 2 sips of coke you downed them with, your stomach will give you the next hour full of gut wrenching dry-heaves just for good measure. in case those few dime sized pills didnt all come out the first time along with your spleen and other semi-vital organs. and usually, when im finished, my face is soaking wet. from all the hysterical. from all the sobbing. but today, as this dry-heaving was being had, my eyes were watering profusely. as if to say "maybe if we get all wet, we'll slide right out of her head and end all this torture." what a crock of shit. it should be one or the other. when i run for president, i will outlaw dry-heaving. as it is the most pointless pain ever.

and while im on the topic, i wouldnt laugh about me becoming president. after watching the debates, it appears the only qualification now days is to talk with your hands a lot and speak like a horses ass. oh yea, and have the intelligence of a potato.

10.11.2004

today is a good day.
despite the whole being in horrid pain and the ER thing.

i have things to look forward to. gasp. shocking, i know. little things, things most people take for granted. but fuck it, right now, im happy. men are pathetic, and i get that now. i understand. its in their nature. move on. and i miss my friends, but im working on that. 2 weeks baybee. and i miss my sister, but im working on that too. get yer ass here already girl. you know thats what you need. give in to the snow, its ok. i miss my kids, and maybe if they stop coughing in my face i will go climb in bed with them at night just because. maybe they will breath their little stinky sleeping breath on me. i like that. i miss my family, but maybe they will come around. hey jason, its me, your little sister. i miss sammy. mom and i were talking about her last nite. her head always smelled like chicken. im getting my dog damnit, its as vital as air at this point. and i hate pain. and yesterday, that was worse pain then anything satan could even think up. but the morphine and vicodin are not so bad, in fact, one might even call them good. hmmm. today im ok. jacked up on narcotics, but ok.

10.09.2004

the time has come to bid farewell to the last molar standing. he fought a good fight, but alas was done in by the evil cough drop king. he was preceeded in his death by his close friend and brother, back right molar. he will be deeply missed. especially at meal times.

beware king cough drop. we have sent in the vicodin reinforcements. you may have taken our last right molar defense, but you will never take... our freedom. except for the whole chewing thing of course.

10.08.2004

where i work, the call load, though constitantly high, is pretty monotonous. naturally, im thinking of everything but work. here are some things that last night i came to realize:

-if youre going to start now AVOIDING my 1 call this week to you, that doesnt just make you a prick, it makes you a really huge one.

-you would think that when working for one of the worlds largest toy companies, you would get your discount on all their products. you would of course be wrong.

-there are very few things that feel more refreshing than bitching about men to a gay man. he sees the womans side, and the mans side. and hes one of the super coolest people i know. the only thing better would have been if after i told him the story, he would have called kevin a bitch.

-work would be so much greater if we got to pick who we hated and make them sit in the corner. just because youre my supervisor does not me me stupider than you. it does however make me want to spit on you.

-when asked what the scariest thing i can think of was, the first image that came to mind: if jessica simpson and john mayer had a child. [shudder] imagine all the face contorting that child would do. oh the contorting.

-if your young child has a fever of any degree, buy it the Bouncing Tigger. no matter what the state of illness is, they will forget about being sick. granted, this is followed by hours of handing Tigger to you yelling 'mama push!'

10.07.2004

at this point, im a little confused.
im not sure why i care so much, that he doesnt at all. care i mean. whatever his reasons are, im sure there is some validity to them in his own mind. i mean, we cant make people love us right. but we should at least be able to make them like us pretty damn well. and going over it in my head, im quite sure it wasnt my own sabotage. i was a mature, respectable woman about the whole thing. even when i felt like throwing myself on the floor and kicking and screaming like a child. "come on! no fair! play nice!" and ive said a million times how it doesnt bother me. i wont let it get to me. let him get to me. realistically, thats a big fat lie. i realize that i dont need him, and that i do deserve better. but what my head knows and what the rest of me wants are two totally separate issues. im tired of assholes. im tired of men letting me down. im tired of letting myself down. i also said i had no expectations. bullshit. i expected this to be an adult fucking relationship. where both sides act as responsible, caring people. SCREWED AGAIN.

when will i just accept that it is not a physical possibility for a man to be good to me. maybe im wearing a sign that says "treat me like shit, i love it!". just to keep the dogs at bay, maybe i should replace it with one that says, "dont waste your time, i like pussy".

10.04.2004

happy birthday aaron.

today, on your 24th birthday, i wish to return the favor to show my appreciation. i wish for you the same that you have bestowed upon me all these years. i wish for you, all the moments of happiness and sheer delight that i too have experienced. i wish for you, all the riches in the world as i have received. i wish for you many moments like mine of convenience and self-worth. i wish you all my best.

and dear ex-husband of mine, if wishes do come true... youre fucked.

10.02.2004

fuck this.

if you say youre gonna call, call. if you say youre gonna do something, by god you better fucking do it.

heres the thing. and if im a bitch for saying it, good. i have way too little time, and even less energy, to deal with bullshit from any man. if im not way the hell up there on that priority list, then you better start rearranging some things. and if youre not willing to accept that, then you better at least be ready to accept the fact that i will not be polite when i explain this you. im not about to waste my time being nice to you when you cant even keep youre word. damn it was fun. damn it was comfortable. damn it felt right. but really, if youre gonna pull out the "already an asshole card", then find another table to play at. theres no room left for you at this one.

fuck that.

thanks, i feel much better now.