3.25.2005
my ex-husband has ginormous nads.
and not because hes well endowed. in fact i hope someday he finds this blog just so i can tell him I WAS FAKING THEM. so last night, in a conversation about the weekend visitation arrangements, the following conversation took place:
A-Hole: So about our kids this summer. I know I said I wanted to have them for extended stays, but I wont be able to. Im double timing it here trying to find a job AND taking care of the baby.
Me: (crickets chirping)
A-Hole: And besides, we are trying to catch up. And [she] needs a new car.
Me: Whats wrong with her car?
A-Hole: Nothing. But I want her to have a shiny new one. She deserves it.
Me: Oh yes, she deserves it. And our son needs diapers, but he hasnt really EARNED them has he. and you owe me thousands and thousands and THOUSANDS in child support, but its not like caring for them alone deserves a car. certainly not.
or
Me: Yes, because 3 adults in that house that take care of ONE INFANT is really tough work. She needs a break. Or a Lexus. Either way, she deserves it.
or
Me: So tell me, exactly how does one "deserve" a new car? By giving professional lap dances or merely by putting up with you? If its the latter, then fuck man, she deserves a trophy. And some glasses. And a clue.
ok, so none of those last things were actually said. because any thought that contains more than 3 words is too much for him all at once. here, let me help you a-hole...
YOU.
ARE.
AN.
ASSHAT.
and not because hes well endowed. in fact i hope someday he finds this blog just so i can tell him I WAS FAKING THEM. so last night, in a conversation about the weekend visitation arrangements, the following conversation took place:
A-Hole: So about our kids this summer. I know I said I wanted to have them for extended stays, but I wont be able to. Im double timing it here trying to find a job AND taking care of the baby.
Me: (crickets chirping)
A-Hole: And besides, we are trying to catch up. And [she] needs a new car.
Me: Whats wrong with her car?
A-Hole: Nothing. But I want her to have a shiny new one. She deserves it.
Me: Oh yes, she deserves it. And our son needs diapers, but he hasnt really EARNED them has he. and you owe me thousands and thousands and THOUSANDS in child support, but its not like caring for them alone deserves a car. certainly not.
or
Me: Yes, because 3 adults in that house that take care of ONE INFANT is really tough work. She needs a break. Or a Lexus. Either way, she deserves it.
or
Me: So tell me, exactly how does one "deserve" a new car? By giving professional lap dances or merely by putting up with you? If its the latter, then fuck man, she deserves a trophy. And some glasses. And a clue.
ok, so none of those last things were actually said. because any thought that contains more than 3 words is too much for him all at once. here, let me help you a-hole...
YOU.
ARE.
AN.
ASSHAT.
3.23.2005
so i was thinking...
(yes i know that can be dangerous.)
i need a hobby. well another hobby. because really, i have hobbies now. if by hobbies, we are talking blow jobs and superheroes. but i was thinking, more creative, less explosive.
i used to write when i felt all 'tortured and misunderstood'. and it was natural. the results left a little to be desired, but still, i could string words together to make sentences. and now, i have to write things down in broken gibberish just to remember socks first, shoes second. nothing makes sense. im lucky if i finish an entire sentence that conveys an actual message. even he has said 'sometimes i just read your emails and scratch my head, thinking "what in the hell is she talking about"?'. see, people, this is what im talking about.
so as like many things, my hobbies change with the seasons. everything is a variable depending on mood, temperment, yada yada yada. i need something that doesnt alter. help me here kids. i need something that will continually hold my interest for a whole 10 minutes or more. you know, like blow jobs.
(yes i know that can be dangerous.)
i need a hobby. well another hobby. because really, i have hobbies now. if by hobbies, we are talking blow jobs and superheroes. but i was thinking, more creative, less explosive.
i used to write when i felt all 'tortured and misunderstood'. and it was natural. the results left a little to be desired, but still, i could string words together to make sentences. and now, i have to write things down in broken gibberish just to remember socks first, shoes second. nothing makes sense. im lucky if i finish an entire sentence that conveys an actual message. even he has said 'sometimes i just read your emails and scratch my head, thinking "what in the hell is she talking about"?'. see, people, this is what im talking about.
so as like many things, my hobbies change with the seasons. everything is a variable depending on mood, temperment, yada yada yada. i need something that doesnt alter. help me here kids. i need something that will continually hold my interest for a whole 10 minutes or more. you know, like blow jobs.
3.22.2005
sometimes, things just work. and ive always been one to say 'love isnt everything'. you cant build a life together on love alone. can i promise that this will work? of course not, but i am willing to bet on it that it will. and i am wiliing to put down my life on the fact that both he and i would die trying to keep us together. do i know how things will be in 10 years? nope. but i know he will still look at me like im the most beautiful thing hes ever seen. and i know his devotion wont have wavered. steadfast and headstrong. an unstoppable force.
tonite we made the decision. this weekend we will pick out paint colors and room arrangements. the first step to making ourselves a home. us. our home. our family.
how do i know?
because i feel it even when i sleep. when i watch my children climb onto his lap with a book. when we are the only ones still laughing. when the silences are everything but uncomfortable. when he would rather play board games with my parents than go to the bar. when we lay together, in the light of the morning sun, i just know.
tonite we made the decision. this weekend we will pick out paint colors and room arrangements. the first step to making ourselves a home. us. our home. our family.
how do i know?
because i feel it even when i sleep. when i watch my children climb onto his lap with a book. when we are the only ones still laughing. when the silences are everything but uncomfortable. when he would rather play board games with my parents than go to the bar. when we lay together, in the light of the morning sun, i just know.
3.21.2005
i have the WORST case of the mondays. gah.
i cant focus. i feel completely out of my element today. the kids are being stubborn. he is far away for business. and if i have to watch the incredibles one more time, so help me god.
now on to happier things. i now have less money in my account than zero. im not even breaking even. i cant even afford to complain, but here we are. look at me go. i think i might just slit my wrists to celebrate all the red.
i cant focus. i feel completely out of my element today. the kids are being stubborn. he is far away for business. and if i have to watch the incredibles one more time, so help me god.
now on to happier things. i now have less money in my account than zero. im not even breaking even. i cant even afford to complain, but here we are. look at me go. i think i might just slit my wrists to celebrate all the red.
3.19.2005
paging through my archives, i have come to realize a few things.
first, theres a lot to be said about pain and anguish and solitude. standing back, the posts that throw me into fits of giggles, are those shadowed with the dark clouds. all the pent up hostility made for some visciously good entertainment. mostly at other peoples expense. so that makes me a bad person. a bad person who mocks her ex-husband for being a complete lack of anything special what-so-ever. so be it. hes a moron, im a bitch. but hell, i was funny then. i spit and swore and rarelly made sense. two words: classy. lady.
and sadly, i find myself less and less humorous as the posts progress. it has become more of a chore to sit down and try and be witty. and its not that i think ive become dull or boring. but i have found other outlets to gear my humor. someone to laugh with. and be stupidly silly with. someone where the clever isnt editted for viewers pleasure. just naked, raw laughter. and that, is far better than any written words.
so on that note, let the games begin:
Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf."Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have Mr.Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!
first, theres a lot to be said about pain and anguish and solitude. standing back, the posts that throw me into fits of giggles, are those shadowed with the dark clouds. all the pent up hostility made for some visciously good entertainment. mostly at other peoples expense. so that makes me a bad person. a bad person who mocks her ex-husband for being a complete lack of anything special what-so-ever. so be it. hes a moron, im a bitch. but hell, i was funny then. i spit and swore and rarelly made sense. two words: classy. lady.
and sadly, i find myself less and less humorous as the posts progress. it has become more of a chore to sit down and try and be witty. and its not that i think ive become dull or boring. but i have found other outlets to gear my humor. someone to laugh with. and be stupidly silly with. someone where the clever isnt editted for viewers pleasure. just naked, raw laughter. and that, is far better than any written words.
so on that note, let the games begin:
Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf."Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have Mr.Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!
3.17.2005
ok, so i said i would not post anything about he-who-makes-my-heart-flutter. whatever, call me a liar if you must. so heres my dilemma. i have to make the man an easter basket. in fact, i do believe he mentioned something about 'laying down the law' and 'you get one if i get one'.
really.
come on.
strippers in camouflage with hand-held tools. oh yea, thats right, it has to fit in a basket. a basket that can be hidden. and the whole 'honey, dont look at the large woven basket with naked women in the backyard' idea wont work. and i already bought him socks. for our second date. seriously.
what do you buy a man who has everything? ideas would be GREAT. someone out there has got to be a little more creative than i am, and can properly use email. get to it.
really.
come on.
strippers in camouflage with hand-held tools. oh yea, thats right, it has to fit in a basket. a basket that can be hidden. and the whole 'honey, dont look at the large woven basket with naked women in the backyard' idea wont work. and i already bought him socks. for our second date. seriously.
what do you buy a man who has everything? ideas would be GREAT. someone out there has got to be a little more creative than i am, and can properly use email. get to it.
ode to all things green. top 5 greens:
1. billie joe and the boys
2. green eggs & ham
3. that jolly giant guy
4. envy
5. oz
high fives all around for mr.patrick and his entourage of clovers.
whats your favorite thing green?
(if anyone says boogers, ill slap you. moosie already staked his claim with that answer today.)
1. billie joe and the boys
2. green eggs & ham
3. that jolly giant guy
4. envy
5. oz
high fives all around for mr.patrick and his entourage of clovers.
whats your favorite thing green?
(if anyone says boogers, ill slap you. moosie already staked his claim with that answer today.)
3.14.2005
for those of you that were here earlier, yes, there was a post here. and a photo. (see, you lucky ones saw our disgusting cuteness)
but i chose to remove it. i have my reasons.
him. he will be my secret. he is my priceless gift i will keep sheltered from the world. away from the eyes of the readers. away from the soiled opinions of the rest of the world. something i wont share with everyone. a piece of me that i will safely lock away. because its too cherished. too personal.
him. he knows what he means to me. i dont need to try and attach words to it. i couldnt even if i tried. its like trying to describe a sunset to a blind man. or an orgy to a virgin.
but i chose to remove it. i have my reasons.
him. he will be my secret. he is my priceless gift i will keep sheltered from the world. away from the eyes of the readers. away from the soiled opinions of the rest of the world. something i wont share with everyone. a piece of me that i will safely lock away. because its too cherished. too personal.
him. he knows what he means to me. i dont need to try and attach words to it. i couldnt even if i tried. its like trying to describe a sunset to a blind man. or an orgy to a virgin.
3.11.2005
you are entirely right. you deserve at least that much.
and please just trust me when i tell you that it has nothing to do with what kind of a friend you are. it has nothing to do with you at all. but it does affect you. i know that. that makes me the shitty friend, not you. its not because i dont love you. its not because i dont trust you or respect you or believe in you. or in us. its just something i do. honestly, i dont even know why. its just the way im wired. i dont even realize i do it until its gone too far. i run away and hide myself from the faces of the world. the people ive let down. the people who wont abandon me. i abandon first. its a safety precaution. its weak, and pointless, and this i know. and just like each time before, after long enough passes, its easier to stay away then step forward. easier to feel alienated on my accord, not because you wanted it to be so. but im learning. and im trying. the only way i know how. to not let it be so long. to not miss two more years that i can never get back. to not do that to you again.
i miss you. i miss him. i miss each day that your baby grows. i wish i could be a better friend. most days i dont know how.
but you were right, you deserve more.
and please just trust me when i tell you that it has nothing to do with what kind of a friend you are. it has nothing to do with you at all. but it does affect you. i know that. that makes me the shitty friend, not you. its not because i dont love you. its not because i dont trust you or respect you or believe in you. or in us. its just something i do. honestly, i dont even know why. its just the way im wired. i dont even realize i do it until its gone too far. i run away and hide myself from the faces of the world. the people ive let down. the people who wont abandon me. i abandon first. its a safety precaution. its weak, and pointless, and this i know. and just like each time before, after long enough passes, its easier to stay away then step forward. easier to feel alienated on my accord, not because you wanted it to be so. but im learning. and im trying. the only way i know how. to not let it be so long. to not miss two more years that i can never get back. to not do that to you again.
i miss you. i miss him. i miss each day that your baby grows. i wish i could be a better friend. most days i dont know how.
but you were right, you deserve more.
3.10.2005
it has been quite a while since i can remember feeling angry. just hostile and pissed, waiting to throw down with a vengence. i spent a good deal of my life in a state of teenage angst, youd think i would be used to it. but shit man, it sneaks up on you just when you think youre good and happy.
i so do not miss this anger. anger at the dmv for charging me $70 to renew my liscence plates. for fucks sake uncle sam, its not like i shit money. angry at my bank account for mocking me with its single digits. angry at the film place that screws us over every.single.time. no really, its okay kodak people, i didnt really want the family vacation photos anyways. angry at the snow because on my calendar, it says MARCH. angry at the people who call my business to sell ridiculous items like omelets flippers. to my business. my business that does not have a damn thing to do with omelets. and angry at myself that i will inevitably own omelet flippers and fish windsocks and other pointless objects because i have not yet learned the art of saying no.
son of a bitch.
i want to throw something. someone pass me a midget.
i so do not miss this anger. anger at the dmv for charging me $70 to renew my liscence plates. for fucks sake uncle sam, its not like i shit money. angry at my bank account for mocking me with its single digits. angry at the film place that screws us over every.single.time. no really, its okay kodak people, i didnt really want the family vacation photos anyways. angry at the snow because on my calendar, it says MARCH. angry at the people who call my business to sell ridiculous items like omelets flippers. to my business. my business that does not have a damn thing to do with omelets. and angry at myself that i will inevitably own omelet flippers and fish windsocks and other pointless objects because i have not yet learned the art of saying no.
son of a bitch.
i want to throw something. someone pass me a midget.
3.09.2005
ok, i totally ripped amy off and stole this from her. if its bold, trust me, i done it.
01. Dyed your hair
02. Been a DJ
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Been arrested
05. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Taught yourself an art from scratch
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Had a booth at a street fair
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Built your own PC from parts
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Rode on a motorcycle
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
48. Rode a horse
49. Had major surgery
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
55. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Changed your name
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Parasailed
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Skipped all your school reunions
84. Started a business
85. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
86. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Written your own computer language
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything!
108. Gone back to school
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gotten someone fired for their actions
115. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Had your picture in the newspaper
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Eaten kangaroo meat
129. Been a sperm or egg donor
130. Eaten sushi
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
134. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds at one time
142. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Had sex on a moving train
i am totally counting on you mr.d to help me out with #75 and #76. marvin gaye, we salute you.
01. Dyed your hair
02. Been a DJ
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Been arrested
05. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Taught yourself an art from scratch
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Had a booth at a street fair
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Built your own PC from parts
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Rode on a motorcycle
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
48. Rode a horse
49. Had major surgery
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
55. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Changed your name
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Parasailed
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Skipped all your school reunions
84. Started a business
85. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
86. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Written your own computer language
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything!
108. Gone back to school
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gotten someone fired for their actions
115. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Had your picture in the newspaper
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Eaten kangaroo meat
129. Been a sperm or egg donor
130. Eaten sushi
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
134. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds at one time
142. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Had sex on a moving train
i am totally counting on you mr.d to help me out with #75 and #76. marvin gaye, we salute you.
last nite, he drove 2 hours just to take the kids and i out for dinner. just to see us.
dude, quit hogging all the brownie points...
dude, quit hogging all the brownie points...
3.04.2005
as a welcome back into the "incestuous blog circle", i agreed to a massive orgy containing all the dish that inquiring minds want to know. no really though, its just because im lame.
so heres how this works:
1. leave a comment saying something like "i want to see your panties" or "hit me baby one more time". you know, something of that nature.
2. i will then leave you 5 different questions.
3. go to your own damn blog and post your answers (because really, this is my site, its about me, not you. a-holes.)
4. include all this nonsense in your post and keep the rabid circle going. (this is the work of the devil. if not him, then maybe like geraldo or someone as equally disturbing)
blame cate for this:
1) When are you coming to Arizona to visit your fabulous sister?
when my patent for vd prevention passes and i get rich. come on, who wouldnt buy something called the clap-err.
2) If you could have the hair of any celebrity, whose hair would it be and why?
the don. cause trumps hair is a damn anomaly.
3) Favorite ice cream topping?
ill take mine smothered with naked men. hold the ice cream.
4) Favorite jungle animal and why?
leopard - only because it remind me of the dysfuncial family circus with the caption "Christ daddy, at your age you should know that a leopard-print G-string does not make you King of the Jungle. Do me a favor and put some motherfucking pants on." thats gold.
5) Anklets, slutty or sexy - and why?
so beverly hills 90210 slutty. god i bet if i bought one i could score someone like brandon walsh.
ok, next was deano.
1. Does age matter?
yes little one, i adore you, but im not going to jail for you. besides, im taken.
so as long as both people are LEGAL, age matters not so much. unless of course we are talking about purchasing handguns or pornography, then, unfortunately, age does matter.
2. What blog do you look up to and aspire to be?
i dont really 'look up' to anyone elses blogs. i enjoy the different writing styles for different reasons. i personally think i am a hero. YOU should look up to ME sonny.
3. If you could form the perfect band ever, who would be in it (can only consist of living members)?
oooh. perfect band. lets see, oh god i couldnt make a real band. all the sounds would clash and there would be a lot of arm swinging, and weeping. and 'oi's. but i think it would be fun to see like:
david hasselhoff (vocals)
lisa simpson (sax)
luke duke (harmonica)
california raisins (backup vocals)
me (air guitar)
steve gadd (drums) <---- need at least ONE real musician burt reynolds (just to stand there and be Bandit)
and we would totally call ourselves like "Bananarama Sucks a Fat One" and we'd do covers of songs like "Two Princes " and "Rump Shaker". and we would throw up the 'horns' at totally inappropriate times. my apologies, loyal readers - i have gone too far.
4. If you could be one wrestler, who would it be and why?
macho man randy savage. fucking a-right. (in fact, i believe it was my 'oh yeah' ala randy savage style that bagged my beau. that or the constant stalking.)
5. What is your favorite smell?
mmm - strawberry feet. damn you angie, damn you.
no really. i love the smell of new tires and new cars and coconut lime verbena. or a greasy mechanic. someone fetch me a bib.
And a super secret 6 question: Why the hell don't you post anymore?
uhhh, isnt that what this is? silly child, pay attention.
so heres how this works:
1. leave a comment saying something like "i want to see your panties" or "hit me baby one more time". you know, something of that nature.
2. i will then leave you 5 different questions.
3. go to your own damn blog and post your answers (because really, this is my site, its about me, not you. a-holes.)
4. include all this nonsense in your post and keep the rabid circle going. (this is the work of the devil. if not him, then maybe like geraldo or someone as equally disturbing)
blame cate for this:
1) When are you coming to Arizona to visit your fabulous sister?
when my patent for vd prevention passes and i get rich. come on, who wouldnt buy something called the clap-err.
2) If you could have the hair of any celebrity, whose hair would it be and why?
the don. cause trumps hair is a damn anomaly.
3) Favorite ice cream topping?
ill take mine smothered with naked men. hold the ice cream.
4) Favorite jungle animal and why?
leopard - only because it remind me of the dysfuncial family circus with the caption "Christ daddy, at your age you should know that a leopard-print G-string does not make you King of the Jungle. Do me a favor and put some motherfucking pants on." thats gold.
5) Anklets, slutty or sexy - and why?
so beverly hills 90210 slutty. god i bet if i bought one i could score someone like brandon walsh.
ok, next was deano.
1. Does age matter?
yes little one, i adore you, but im not going to jail for you. besides, im taken.
so as long as both people are LEGAL, age matters not so much. unless of course we are talking about purchasing handguns or pornography, then, unfortunately, age does matter.
2. What blog do you look up to and aspire to be?
i dont really 'look up' to anyone elses blogs. i enjoy the different writing styles for different reasons. i personally think i am a hero. YOU should look up to ME sonny.
3. If you could form the perfect band ever, who would be in it (can only consist of living members)?
oooh. perfect band. lets see, oh god i couldnt make a real band. all the sounds would clash and there would be a lot of arm swinging, and weeping. and 'oi's. but i think it would be fun to see like:
david hasselhoff (vocals)
lisa simpson (sax)
luke duke (harmonica)
california raisins (backup vocals)
me (air guitar)
steve gadd (drums) <---- need at least ONE real musician burt reynolds (just to stand there and be Bandit)
and we would totally call ourselves like "Bananarama Sucks a Fat One" and we'd do covers of songs like "Two Princes " and "Rump Shaker". and we would throw up the 'horns' at totally inappropriate times. my apologies, loyal readers - i have gone too far.
4. If you could be one wrestler, who would it be and why?
macho man randy savage. fucking a-right. (in fact, i believe it was my 'oh yeah' ala randy savage style that bagged my beau. that or the constant stalking.)
5. What is your favorite smell?
mmm - strawberry feet. damn you angie, damn you.
no really. i love the smell of new tires and new cars and coconut lime verbena. or a greasy mechanic. someone fetch me a bib.
And a super secret 6 question: Why the hell don't you post anymore?
uhhh, isnt that what this is? silly child, pay attention.
3.03.2005
sometimes we need to take a step back from the dilluted reality. sometimes we need to find the light that can offer an alternative to the dark. and sometimes, we get more than we imagined.
one day. one hour. one year. our worlds spin around frames of time. measuring the steps from moment to moment. god, has it really only been two months. ive spent 24 years trying to built what i have in two months. thats it. not a decade, not an year. two months.
work. the business finally has sprouted wings. ive poked at this flopping lifeless fish for two months now. poke poke. my image is no longer just a faceless box. she is growing and emerging into a full blown financial acheivement. breasts and all.
him. he was waiting for me to be ready. nothing, nothing, can explain this. this is what life is about. he is what living should feel like. im ready.
i forgot what it felt like to be okay. i forgot how it felt to stand on two feet. i forgot how bad it stings to miss friends, and let them down. i forgot how to be the mother that i am. i forgot about me.
this time, this year, things will be different. its time.
one day. one hour. one year. our worlds spin around frames of time. measuring the steps from moment to moment. god, has it really only been two months. ive spent 24 years trying to built what i have in two months. thats it. not a decade, not an year. two months.
work. the business finally has sprouted wings. ive poked at this flopping lifeless fish for two months now. poke poke. my image is no longer just a faceless box. she is growing and emerging into a full blown financial acheivement. breasts and all.
him. he was waiting for me to be ready. nothing, nothing, can explain this. this is what life is about. he is what living should feel like. im ready.
i forgot what it felt like to be okay. i forgot how it felt to stand on two feet. i forgot how bad it stings to miss friends, and let them down. i forgot how to be the mother that i am. i forgot about me.
this time, this year, things will be different. its time.