over the weekend, my parents and i spent a day devoted to finalizing the christmas shopping and picking out the perfect tree. the kids were at their fathers, no doubt learning a colorful vocabulary and how to properly torture and torment. so the grown-ups day of shopping was underway. along with two people so innocent and pure that they bring shame to the mormon community. two people, my parents, that are so good-natured and unaware of the vulgar real world that they need things like 'cover band' and 'rimjob' explained to them. two people, my parents, that spent the entire day talking about VAGINAS, and BEING TIED UP WITH SILK & SATIN. and oh my god, BUTTPLUGS. it so happens that these two people, my parents, watched some sex talk show on the WE channel about buttplugs and misc. other toys and gadgets. and they talked about it. IN PUBLIC. the world as i know it has ended.

by parents, i mean my mother and step-dad. my real dad, is about as pure as artificial sweetener. he is who i blame for my premarital sex and my extensive use of the word fuck. to further prove this point, the first nite he met my exhusband, he was wearing a robe that fit him 50 pounds and 30 years earlier. that of course is being generous. and in his glory, the glory that is my father, he constantly made reference to the fact that 'these days its hard to find clothing that is large enough to cover big blue'. big blue being his penis. of course. because that is my dad. he is conventionally disturbed. but he is my dad, and we make no excuses for him. mostly, we just cry a little on the inside.