i dont think ive ever needed anything as much as i needed this today.

ive been wrestling over this for the past week. well months actually. how far does it have to go before you look at your child and say 'mommy cant do this anymore'. i mean really, really feel done. how many times do you have to say 'honey, why is there poop on your brother's face?' or 'please explain to me why theres 4 sticks of butter in the toilet'. how many times do you have to clean nail polish, paint, makeup, sugar, crayon, formula, applesauce, peanut butter and toothpaste off the television? and someone please tell me how many hours you have to spend teaching youre child to be polite, well mannered, kind and sweet only to have them look right at you and say 'i can say "shit" right?.'

tonite i think i found my answer. forever. i am all these boys have. if i throw my hands up, i have failed them, and i have failed me. i have just shit on everything i have worked my ass off for. and let me tell you, it isnt near enough. i can sit around and boo-hoo about how i cant pee in private or spend less than an hour getting the kids ready to run to the bank. i can whine about not having nice things or going on expensive vacations. and i could trade it all in. i could give up the fact that every nite as i fall asleep, there are 10 gigantically tiny toes pressed into my chest. and i could give up hearing 'its ok mommy, you dont have to cry anymore because i just love you so much.' and i could give up the most infectious laugh anyones ever heard.

i could give that all up. some people wait their whole lives to scrub crayon off the new computer and fish toys out of the garbage disposal. some people would give away their every freedom just to put little socks on little feet and little mittens on little hands every single day. and then theres some people that have it... and still walk away.

i am deeply saddened by those people.
but mostly, i am just disappointed in myself.