hastings place

2005-09-09T19:32:00.000-05:00

dont tell me you cant afford it.

dont tell me youll do it later.

dont tell me you dont want to.

it could have been your mother. your child. it could have been you.

donate. again if you have to. $1 from each of you will give a meal to a child, medicine to an elderly man, or hope to a family.

2005-08-26T19:00:00.000-05:00

wow.
that sure ended badly.

welcome to my life's series of unfortunate events.
im what lemony snicket was talkin' about.

2005-05-11T13:45:00.000-05:00

so you know...

im not dead or anything. im just in love. its gross, trust me.

and in our new house we dont get actual internet PERSAY. its sort of 'borrowed' access. some might even call it 'stolen', but those people are NOT COOL.

when he drops to his knee, ill make sure and let everyone know. granted, he is pretty old, it may take him awhile to get back up. poor bastard.

until then, dont worry about me. just remember, my life is better than yours.

(insert commercial promotion)
THANK YOU MATCH.COM !

ok, thats all. just so you know.

2005-04-01T14:38:00.000-06:00

scene - grama and moosie are sitting in the living room.

(toilet flushes in the distance)

moosie: grama, i think someone is in the bathroom.

(moosie runs to go see. no one is in there anymore. moosie runs back.)

moosie: i think it was aunt angie.

grama: why do you say that?

moosie: because it smells like angie.

grama: well how does she smell?

moosie: angie smells like me when im dirty.

2005-03-25T00:24:00.000-06:00

my ex-husband has ginormous nads.

and not because hes well endowed. in fact i hope someday he finds this blog just so i can tell him I WAS FAKING THEM. so last night, in a conversation about the weekend visitation arrangements, the following conversation took place:

A-Hole: So about our kids this summer. I know I said I wanted to have them for extended stays, but I wont be able to. Im double timing it here trying to find a job AND taking care of the baby.

Me: (crickets chirping)

A-Hole: And besides, we are trying to catch up. And [she] needs a new car.

Me: Whats wrong with her car?

A-Hole: Nothing. But I want her to have a shiny new one. She deserves it.

Me: Oh yes, she deserves it. And our son needs diapers, but he hasnt really EARNED them has he. and you owe me thousands and thousands and THOUSANDS in child support, but its not like caring for them alone deserves a car. certainly not.
or
Me: Yes, because 3 adults in that house that take care of ONE INFANT is really tough work. She needs a break. Or a Lexus. Either way, she deserves it.
or
Me: So tell me, exactly how does one "deserve" a new car? By giving professional lap dances or merely by putting up with you? If its the latter, then fuck man, she deserves a trophy. And some glasses. And a clue.

ok, so none of those last things were actually said. because any thought that contains more than 3 words is too much for him all at once. here, let me help you a-hole...

YOU.
ARE.
AN.
ASSHAT.

2005-03-23T16:18:00.000-06:00

so i was thinking...
(yes i know that can be dangerous.)

i need a hobby. well another hobby. because really, i have hobbies now. if by hobbies, we are talking blow jobs and superheroes. but i was thinking, more creative, less explosive.

i used to write when i felt all 'tortured and misunderstood'. and it was natural. the results left a little to be desired, but still, i could string words together to make sentences. and now, i have to write things down in broken gibberish just to remember socks first, shoes second. nothing makes sense. im lucky if i finish an entire sentence that conveys an actual message. even he has said 'sometimes i just read your emails and scratch my head, thinking "what in the hell is she talking about"?'. see, people, this is what im talking about.

so as like many things, my hobbies change with the seasons. everything is a variable depending on mood, temperment, yada yada yada. i need something that doesnt alter. help me here kids. i need something that will continually hold my interest for a whole 10 minutes or more. you know, like blow jobs.

2005-03-22T23:24:00.000-06:00

sometimes, things just work. and ive always been one to say 'love isnt everything'. you cant build a life together on love alone. can i promise that this will work? of course not, but i am willing to bet on it that it will. and i am wiliing to put down my life on the fact that both he and i would die trying to keep us together. do i know how things will be in 10 years? nope. but i know he will still look at me like im the most beautiful thing hes ever seen. and i know his devotion wont have wavered. steadfast and headstrong. an unstoppable force.

tonite we made the decision. this weekend we will pick out paint colors and room arrangements. the first step to making ourselves a home. us. our home. our family.

how do i know?
because i feel it even when i sleep. when i watch my children climb onto his lap with a book. when we are the only ones still laughing. when the silences are everything but uncomfortable. when he would rather play board games with my parents than go to the bar. when we lay together, in the light of the morning sun, i just know.

2005-03-21T17:15:00.000-06:00

i have the WORST case of the mondays. gah.

i cant focus. i feel completely out of my element today. the kids are being stubborn. he is far away for business. and if i have to watch the incredibles one more time, so help me god.

now on to happier things. i now have less money in my account than zero. im not even breaking even. i cant even afford to complain, but here we are. look at me go. i think i might just slit my wrists to celebrate all the red.

2005-03-19T23:57:00.000-06:00

paging through my archives, i have come to realize a few things.

first, theres a lot to be said about pain and anguish and solitude. standing back, the posts that throw me into fits of giggles, are those shadowed with the dark clouds. all the pent up hostility made for some visciously good entertainment. mostly at other peoples expense. so that makes me a bad person. a bad person who mocks her ex-husband for being a complete lack of anything special what-so-ever. so be it. hes a moron, im a bitch. but hell, i was funny then. i spit and swore and rarelly made sense. two words: classy. lady.

and sadly, i find myself less and less humorous as the posts progress. it has become more of a chore to sit down and try and be witty. and its not that i think ive become dull or boring. but i have found other outlets to gear my humor. someone to laugh with. and be stupidly silly with. someone where the clever isnt editted for viewers pleasure. just naked, raw laughter. and that, is far better than any written words.

so on that note, let the games begin:

Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf."Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have Mr.Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!

2005-03-17T14:45:00.000-06:00

ok, so i said i would not post anything about he-who-makes-my-heart-flutter. whatever, call me a liar if you must. so heres my dilemma. i have to make the man an easter basket. in fact, i do believe he mentioned something about 'laying down the law' and 'you get one if i get one'.

really.
come on.

strippers in camouflage with hand-held tools. oh yea, thats right, it has to fit in a basket. a basket that can be hidden. and the whole 'honey, dont look at the large woven basket with naked women in the backyard' idea wont work. and i already bought him socks. for our second date. seriously.

what do you buy a man who has everything? ideas would be GREAT. someone out there has got to be a little more creative than i am, and can properly use email. get to it.

2005-03-17T09:55:00.000-06:00

ode to all things green. top 5 greens:

1. billie joe and the boys
2. green eggs & ham
3. that jolly giant guy
4. envy
5. oz

high fives all around for mr.patrick and his entourage of clovers.

whats your favorite thing green?
(if anyone says boogers, ill slap you. moosie already staked his claim with that answer today.)

2005-03-14T22:58:00.000-06:00

for those of you that were here earlier, yes, there was a post here. and a photo. (see, you lucky ones saw our disgusting cuteness)

but i chose to remove it. i have my reasons.

him. he will be my secret. he is my priceless gift i will keep sheltered from the world. away from the eyes of the readers. away from the soiled opinions of the rest of the world. something i wont share with everyone. a piece of me that i will safely lock away. because its too cherished. too personal.

him. he knows what he means to me. i dont need to try and attach words to it. i couldnt even if i tried. its like trying to describe a sunset to a blind man. or an orgy to a virgin.

2005-03-11T01:24:00.000-06:00

you are entirely right. you deserve at least that much.

and please just trust me when i tell you that it has nothing to do with what kind of a friend you are. it has nothing to do with you at all. but it does affect you. i know that. that makes me the shitty friend, not you. its not because i dont love you. its not because i dont trust you or respect you or believe in you. or in us. its just something i do. honestly, i dont even know why. its just the way im wired. i dont even realize i do it until its gone too far. i run away and hide myself from the faces of the world. the people ive let down. the people who wont abandon me. i abandon first. its a safety precaution. its weak, and pointless, and this i know. and just like each time before, after long enough passes, its easier to stay away then step forward. easier to feel alienated on my accord, not because you wanted it to be so. but im learning. and im trying. the only way i know how. to not let it be so long. to not miss two more years that i can never get back. to not do that to you again.

i miss you. i miss him. i miss each day that your baby grows. i wish i could be a better friend. most days i dont know how.

but you were right, you deserve more.

2005-03-10T13:36:00.000-06:00

it has been quite a while since i can remember feeling angry. just hostile and pissed, waiting to throw down with a vengence. i spent a good deal of my life in a state of teenage angst, youd think i would be used to it. but shit man, it sneaks up on you just when you think youre good and happy.

i so do not miss this anger. anger at the dmv for charging me $70 to renew my liscence plates. for fucks sake uncle sam, its not like i shit money. angry at my bank account for mocking me with its single digits. angry at the film place that screws us over every.single.time. no really, its okay kodak people, i didnt really want the family vacation photos anyways. angry at the snow because on my calendar, it says MARCH. angry at the people who call my business to sell ridiculous items like omelets flippers. to my business. my business that does not have a damn thing to do with omelets. and angry at myself that i will inevitably own omelet flippers and fish windsocks and other pointless objects because i have not yet learned the art of saying no.

son of a bitch.
i want to throw something. someone pass me a midget.

2005-03-09T11:06:00.000-06:00

ok, i totally ripped amy off and stole this from her. if its bold, trust me, i done it.

01. Dyed your hair
02. Been a DJ
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Been arrested
05. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Taught yourself an art from scratch
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Had a booth at a street fair
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Built your own PC from parts
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Rode on a motorcycle
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
48. Rode a horse
49. Had major surgery
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
55. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Changed your name
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Parasailed
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Skipped all your school reunions
84. Started a business
85. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
86. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Written your own computer language
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything!
108. Gone back to school
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gotten someone fired for their actions
115. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Had your picture in the newspaper
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Eaten kangaroo meat
129. Been a sperm or egg donor
130. Eaten sushi
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
134. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds at one time
142. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Had sex on a moving train

i am totally counting on you mr.d to help me out with #75 and #76. marvin gaye, we salute you.

2005-03-09T05:40:00.000-06:00

last nite, he drove 2 hours just to take the kids and i out for dinner. just to see us.

dude, quit hogging all the brownie points...

2005-03-04T13:59:00.000-06:00

as a welcome back into the "incestuous blog circle", i agreed to a massive orgy containing all the dish that inquiring minds want to know. no really though, its just because im lame.

so heres how this works:
1. leave a comment saying something like "i want to see your panties" or "hit me baby one more time". you know, something of that nature.
2. i will then leave you 5 different questions.
3. go to your own damn blog and post your answers (because really, this is my site, its about me, not you. a-holes.)
4. include all this nonsense in your post and keep the rabid circle going. (this is the work of the devil. if not him, then maybe like geraldo or someone as equally disturbing)

blame cate for this:
1) When are you coming to Arizona to visit your fabulous sister?
when my patent for vd prevention passes and i get rich. come on, who wouldnt buy something called the clap-err.

2) If you could have the hair of any celebrity, whose hair would it be and why?
the don. cause trumps hair is a damn anomaly.

3) Favorite ice cream topping?
ill take mine smothered with naked men. hold the ice cream.

4) Favorite jungle animal and why?
leopard - only because it remind me of the dysfuncial family circus with the caption "Christ daddy, at your age you should know that a leopard-print G-string does not make you King of the Jungle. Do me a favor and put some motherfucking pants on." thats gold.

5) Anklets, slutty or sexy - and why?
so beverly hills 90210 slutty. god i bet if i bought one i could score someone like brandon walsh.

ok, next was deano.
1. Does age matter?
yes little one, i adore you, but im not going to jail for you. besides, im taken.
so as long as both people are LEGAL, age matters not so much. unless of course we are talking about purchasing handguns or pornography, then, unfortunately, age does matter.

2. What blog do you look up to and aspire to be?
i dont really 'look up' to anyone elses blogs. i enjoy the different writing styles for different reasons. i personally think i am a hero. YOU should look up to ME sonny.

3. If you could form the perfect band ever, who would be in it (can only consist of living members)?
oooh. perfect band. lets see, oh god i couldnt make a real band. all the sounds would clash and there would be a lot of arm swinging, and weeping. and 'oi's. but i think it would be fun to see like:
david hasselhoff (vocals)
lisa simpson (sax)
luke duke (harmonica)
california raisins (backup vocals)
me (air guitar)
steve gadd (drums) <---- need at least ONE real musician burt reynolds (just to stand there and be Bandit)

and we would totally call ourselves like "Bananarama Sucks a Fat One" and we'd do covers of songs like "Two Princes " and "Rump Shaker". and we would throw up the 'horns' at totally inappropriate times. my apologies, loyal readers - i have gone too far.

4. If you could be one wrestler, who would it be and why?
macho man randy savage. fucking a-right. (in fact, i believe it was my 'oh yeah' ala randy savage style that bagged my beau. that or the constant stalking.)

5. What is your favorite smell?
mmm - strawberry feet. damn you angie, damn you.
no really. i love the smell of new tires and new cars and coconut lime verbena. or a greasy mechanic. someone fetch me a bib.

And a super secret 6 question: Why the hell don't you post anymore?
uhhh, isnt that what this is? silly child, pay attention.

2005-03-03T14:06:00.000-06:00

sometimes we need to take a step back from the dilluted reality. sometimes we need to find the light that can offer an alternative to the dark. and sometimes, we get more than we imagined.

one day. one hour. one year. our worlds spin around frames of time. measuring the steps from moment to moment. god, has it really only been two months. ive spent 24 years trying to built what i have in two months. thats it. not a decade, not an year. two months.

work. the business finally has sprouted wings. ive poked at this flopping lifeless fish for two months now. poke poke. my image is no longer just a faceless box. she is growing and emerging into a full blown financial acheivement. breasts and all.

him. he was waiting for me to be ready. nothing, nothing, can explain this. this is what life is about. he is what living should feel like. im ready.

i forgot what it felt like to be okay. i forgot how it felt to stand on two feet. i forgot how bad it stings to miss friends, and let them down. i forgot how to be the mother that i am. i forgot about me.

this time, this year, things will be different. its time.

2005-01-07T10:46:00.000-06:00

sometimes, a new life must start with acceptance.

the last time i remember feeling 'okay' was in 2000 when i got married. subsequntly, it was also then that i had no idea who i was. all i knew was that i was aarons wife, and that was good enough. we were lost little puppies playing house. and i was happy. happy in my diluted state of self. cooking, cleaning, playing mommy and wife. and as my marriage disolved, the bubble of safety and certainty popped. i fought vigilantly to save the life two struggling children had built. you can fight the good fight, but sometimes failure is inevitable. wedding vows arent contracts, or promises. mine was just a faulty bucket with a hole in the bottom. so began the great search. the endless journey of 'now what?' after long enough, it becomes easier to go numb, than accept life for what it is. good or bad is merely details. id often find myself wandering, zombie-like almost, chanting the ever popular mantra "this is not my life, this is not my life." you cant imagine how suffocating it is to be informed of the truth. this is my life. and it was forever passing by as i sat and watched it from the station. idle and waiting. waiting for the next stop that looked promising. looking for the train with answers. looking for something, anything, to make sense again. they say a rolling rock gathers no moss. accept that for me, even a pebble can stop this rolling rock. and frankly, the moss makes it that much easier to hide. hide from what i should have been doing and where i should have been headed. my husband, was the worst thing that ever happened to me, aside from myself. he was the cause of every inch of myself that i lost. i on the other hand, allowed myself to become the result. i became okay not feeling comfortable in my own skin. and i welcomed the smoky fog that settled over my family. my marriage was my lifes greatest failure. now, its time to make sure that my life isnt its own greatest failure.

so to create order in my life, i will start small. one resolution at a time.

1st new years resolution:
- quit smoking
(oooh, see, i already did that. look at me go! go dog go.)

2005-01-04T22:09:00.000-06:00

i heart tomtmoney.

2004-12-30T08:44:00.000-06:00

ive learned the secret to holiday weight gain. if youre gonna put on a little insulation, it better be damn good and worth it.

so in that case, make mine a hugh jackman and orlando bloom sandwich. supersized.

2004-12-28T04:31:00.000-06:00

holiday dos and donts

- DO NOT use the word 'syphilis' in the presence of certain company. some people are sophisticated and proper. we are not. and by we, i totally mean angie.

-DO buy me a molten chocolate cake from chilis. and quote lines from kung pow while we share it. i am lings father, wio-wio-wii

- DO NOT burp in the confined, closed space of my car. yes, that terrible face i made was because it smelled rotten. oh, and the laughing, that didnt help. and the farting, well you can just stop that now.

- DO search every store within a 50 mile radius for the 4th ninja turtle. your child is worth it. especially when they tell you its okay you still didnt find it because "rafael will find us ma".

- DO NOT make me wait outside the bathroom at our family christmas party for a half hour so you can give me a play-by-play on your pooping status. there are some things even your mother doesnt need to know. like the fact that it was similar to a taco.

- DO buy me a fleece hat with horns so my son can call me a 'biking' and all the boys in his class jump up and down and call me a moose.

- DO NOT be a wiseass when i buy your child a black babydoll for christmas. i know you grew up sheltered and all, but no, it was not "barry bonds kid". although, i am still saddened that the name 'clitoris' was vetoed. she woulda made a good clitoris.

- DO move your head when i swing a TMNT dvd at your head. because i will hit you, and you will deserve it. turtle power.

- DO NOT playfully bash your kids face into the checkout counter at best buy. because the shrill wails of pain take it from playful, to not so much.

- DO buy yourself some "office max earrings". because everyone needs a pair of fancy earrings. and lets face it, round these here parts, going to office max is a treat.

2004-12-22T05:47:00.000-06:00

dear anj,

god im glad youre home. with that said, i need to upfront make my apologies for this. for its content and for not telling you directly. but to be honest, i get kinda weepy everytime you scrunch up your face like that and cry. i dont like being the one to make your face do that. and not including the wooden apple incident, i try to never do anything to cause you sadness or pain. i am your sister. in my job description it says that i should listen and be compassionate regardless of my personal opinion on any given situation. however, i am your sister. the sister that never was much good at keeping quiet. above all, i love you.

however. you stated on more than one occasion that you didnt want christmas and you didnt want to come home because youd have to do it alone. that this year, you would be without the other half you came to know. now i realize that youre just incredibly sad and that you need to go through your time to mourn. everyone deserves thier time. i also know that you really wanted to come home, but maybe you just hoped it would be under different circumstances. that you would have a companion in your travels. but you dont. and like it or not, christmas is still coming. you know as well as i do that when you walk through this front door, christmas takes over and puts you in a choke hold. theres no way around it, you just have to find a way to embrace it. its not going anywhere. you have spent 28 christmas' with this family, and only 1 with him. im not trying to minimize your pain or emotions. but we are your family. we are here to help you remember and help you forget. to help you go on. to help you understand that while this is probably the hardest time, that this is the time to keep going. weve been there. ive been there. youre not the only one that has had to make revisions in the way you see the future. thats how life goes. you fall down and get back up. brush yourself off and keep moving. and so help me santa, i will drag your ass through this holiday if i have to. youre here. were with you. nothing, including the touch of a man, can replace your family for christmas.

so, here, drink this cup of baileys and cocoa (or four) until you feel better. because damnit, i dont like telling you these things but you need to buck up and put some party shoes on. cause weve got big plans. big big plans. so if youre ready, ill be waiting at victorias secret. hurry, and bring your jubblies along.

i love you.
kate.

happy holidays and good will towards men (except those of you men that i would consider a complete fucker. ... and cam, i still like ye even though your a fucker)

2004-12-18T15:00:00.000-06:00

moosie: "mom, listen. i know the reindeer. i learned the song. theres dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen. thomas, queper, donner and blitzen. and rudolph is the famous one."

oh. my. god.

i dont know which is worse, the fact that he made himself one of the reindeer or the obvious drug reference. what an arrogent pothead he is.

2004-12-17T11:58:00.000-06:00

this morning, i was up at the counter checking in for my doctors appointment, which is right next to the dermotology department. anyhow, i was standing there, waiting for my insurance card, when a man walked up to the adjacent counter...

"hi, i have an appointment at 9.30. sure, the name is michael jackson."

how ironic, especially since the pediatrics wing is on a different floor.

2004-12-16T09:13:00.000-06:00

dear exhusband,

i know its the season of giving and love, but i dont think sharing your VD with me is what they had in mind. so really, please stop trying to sleep with me. just stop it. because its not only gross, but there is just no fucking way. sure, i admit, i was weak and gave in a few times after we seperated. and not just the time we made our second child like i told everyone. because it is humilating enough to have to admit that i married you, and worse to admit you stuck anything of yours near anything of mine. but that was then, you know, like when i was still out of my mind and doing things of a disgusting nature, like smoking and having sex with you. weve been divorced for a year and a half now. you have ANOTHER kid. the fact that you claim im your 'freebie forever' cause i used to be married to you, is both fucking retarded, and a long shot. youd have better luck trying to convince ben affleck into bed with you. not that you havent thought about that on many occasions. so to put it bluntly, on a scale of 1-10 of the chances of me sleeping with you, you rate at about a FUCK OFF ALREADY. so everytime you call and tell me you have your hand in your pants, i am neither surprised, nor amused. the simple fact that you have your hand in your pants is pretty much just saying that your keeping up with that hourly schedule you must so desperately need these days. and if you think that it might prompt me into some steamy phonesex fantasy, you are wrong. very very wrong. yes i remember when we would have sex on the porch, it was gross. yes i remember having sex against the front door to freak out the bible study group across the halls on tuesdays, that was gross too. yes i remember all those things, but as i hear you remind me of them it makes me want to claw at my ears and watch my breakfast reappear. so in summary - not going to happen, not going to happen, not ever in a million years even if you promised me an endless supply of hostess cupcakes is it ever going to fucking happen. ever.

all my love,
kayde (you know, the one still waiting for some child support)

ps. everytime i hear you say anything about wanting to fuck, it makes me think of cheap booze and strippers. i wonder why that is.

2004-12-15T00:02:00.000-06:00

some days, living with your parents is hard to choke down. others, its almost like dying, then being tortured, and then dying again. you see my point. but realistically, even on my worst days, the days that seem like it is unbearable to deal with the insufferable Queen of Darkness any longer, i remind myself that it could be worse. i could live with dad.

poor poor angie.

living with our father, is like this... imagine standing in a dark room, alone, with no exits. there is a mosquito, monica gellar, a drill sergeant, and voices in your head. pleasant isnt it. now kick the drill sergeant in the crotch and then spill coffee on the carpet. VOILA!

he can go on and on for hours and hours and hours about how the dishrags shouldnt go in the same load of laundry as the washcloths because they each require a specific amount of oxyclean and if you accidentally put one in with the washcloths then you will throw off whole balance of the clean world and then holy shit what we use to clean up the ring on the counter left by the heinous coffee mug and OH MY GOD...

you are a crazy little tiny man.

and you, angie, poor poor angie, get to live with him. but on a lighter note, on those worst days, when it seems unbearable, remind yourself, that it could be worse. he could play chilean flute music before dawn.

oh wait. HA HA HA. i know its so mean and nasty and i should pity you and not mock you but since im incapable of any emotion HA HA HA.

its not your birthday anymore so piss off.

2004-12-14T09:10:00.000-06:00

there once was a girl from nantucket
her head was like that of a bucket
you think thats big?
you aint seen a thing
you should see the size of those OH MY GOD ARE THOSE YOUR ANKLES CAUSE THOSE ARE THE BIGGEST.ANKLES.EVER.

happy birthday big seester.

in honor of your many years of life, i shall remind you of the horrible things you did to torment me as a child:
-when mom would leave you in charge, you would write her notes about how naughty i was and put them on the highest shelf where i couldnt reach them
-you say something along the lines of 'youre adopted' or 'i overheard mom tell dad that she didnt want you anymore' and when id get mad and scream youd smile all smug-like and say 'see, thats why'. (you did that alot. i hated that the most. i hated that smile. i kinda want to slap you right now while i think about it)
-you were sneaky and quiet and VICIOUS. (damn, that was smart)

and now, because im not the 'naughty little sister' i once was, i'll give you a few things that made me love you despite the VICIOUS. and the QUIET.
-in 1st grade, every morning i would cling to you sob and scream when you would have to leave to go to your wing of the school. and every morning you would hug me and tell me i would be ok and that you wouldnt be far away. you didnt hiss at me or belittle me or whisper mean things about being adopted.
-even though you were 5 years older and WAY TOO COOL for it, you would play dress up with me and do my hair in silly ponytails all over my head. and you would smile (not the smile that makes me want to slap you) and laugh and pretend that you werent too cool (i admit, you were kind of a dork and maybe you werent too cool for it but because its your birthday we will go with the former story)
-even though you always threatened to tell, you never told mom any of my secrets until we were older and we started telling her things just to watch her face squish up and tell us that she hoped we really never did those things. but we so did.
-and you kick so much ass now that it physically hurts to think that youre all the way out in arizona. partly because im jealous of the warm weather, true. but mostly cause you are a damn fine sister. i cant say i want to grow up like you because i have unfortunately already grown, and youre way shorter, and lets face it, cool or not cool, you cant achieve this.

i love you anj.
way to be 29.

2004-12-12T22:11:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

2004-12-09T21:24:00.000-06:00

last nite the tree went up and the kids circled it like hungry predators. it took 5 of us to get the tree straight and stable. that of course involved 1 baby laughing as the needles tickle his face, and 1 moose to use the flashlight in the ever-popular 'strobelight' fashion. keeping with my childhood tradition, we strung the lights while the kids danced to the john denver & muppets christmas album. big e mainly just spun in circles and in his dizzy-drunken state, often fell into the tree. moosie did all the things that make me crazy, but remind me that hes just a 4 year old boy. not the intellegent, capable grown man i see him as. the house feels more and more cozy as christmas creeps in. im still fighting the tiresome battle to get THE angel on top of the tree. the fact that it has been the staple in every single one of my christmas' hasnt convinced my mother. you see, it doesnt go with this years 'christmas fruit' theme. hey ma, its called tradition.

tra-di-tion.

come hell or high water, that angel will sit atop that fucking tree. this isnt over yet.

2004-12-08T16:07:00.000-06:00

the 25 days of christmas:
(1 memory of europe for each day)

memory lane - next exit.

1. i wore a skirt and heels on the plane. OVER ICELAND. for 16 hours. stupid stupid stupid.
2. mcdonalds does not sell cappucinos there. that is bad news after a long flight. they did however have redbull (this was nearly a year before it was introduced in the states). it scared me the first time i drank it.
3. the peanut butter tastes like sand. its grainy and unsweetened. whoever thought of just crushing up peanuts and calling it peanut butter had a bad idea.
4. my friends mother didnt speak english, but she could make some damn fine wool socks. and in american tradition, i got drunk and ruined them when i stuck my foot in the space heater after i had passed out.
5. there are 3 types of parties there: preparties, parties, and post-parties. i never made it past the first (in my defense their liquor is potent. its like drinking rubbing alcohol mixed with moonshine)
6. my first nite there, we had a party (shocking, i know). one guy in particular was super scary (lets refer to him as thor-arne olsen) and chased me around like we were in kindergarten. i ended up hiding under the desk of a guy i really really fucking hated.
7. after that day, i rode everyday about 30 minutes each way on a train to see 'guy-i-really-really-fucking-hated'
8. he left me in a train station the first nite and i missed my trains because i couldn't understand norwegian yet. i cried in that station for 3 hours until some friends came and rescued me.
9. no i didnt 'really-really-fucking-hate-him' anymore. not even after that. in fact, i dated him, and enjoyed it. we would laugh together and brush our teeth before bed together and cook together. he was quiet and gentle and reserved. he was a kindergarten teacher for gods sake. though he wasnt affectionate, and he was a bad lover. but i enjoyed our time just the same.
10. he and i took a trip up to a cabin in the mountains with 3 of his friends. they sang soccer songs or chants in norwegian on the way there. i was so embarrassed at the time. now i think it was kind of cute.
11. there was no electricity or plumbing. in the mountians. IN NORWAY. so we drank to stay warm.
12. his friends drove the car into a ditch the first nite so we were stranded for 3 days with like 30 cases of beer and a whole bunch of free time.
13. this is also where the famous 'drunk kate in the bearpussy hat' photo comes from.
14. somehow, through like 5 feet of snow, we made it home, and i made it back to to the 'house of sin' in oslo.
15. the 'house of sin' had 5 norwegians (3 who were good friends of mine) and 3 swedes living there. the 3 swedes lived in the basement. one of them was the most beautiful man ive ever seen. everyone whos seen his picture agrees.
16. the legal drinking age is 18 there. i was 17. the first time we went to a pub, they asked (in norwegian) the guys how old i was. they told him (in norwegian that i was 20). when he asked me, i told him 18. he let us in anyways, despite my pub-ignorance. and we got very very drunk. and went to see 'mulan' in the theater. i fell off my seat. it felt good to be laugh so much at a kids movie with men in their mid-20s. each one of them would have died for me, they were like big brothers. but way cool big brothers, the kind that fly you across the world and get you good and drunk.
17. i ran out of money, so i took a cab across oslo to meet an american business associate of my fathers who forked over some more cash to get me through the next 2 weeks. the cab ride cost me nearly as much as he gave me.
18. i spent the money taking a train to sweden. and i smoked in the bathroom on the train and put my cigarettes out on the 'no smoking' sign. yea, such a rebel.
19. and i ate lutefisk. because i wanted to be a nice guest. and it was worse than it looks. trust me.
20. and i kicked -all- the swedes asses in lazer tag. i mean, really, i handed it to them. some claimed their guns were broken. another said it wasnt his fault, hes 'just a poor little retard'
21. i consumed more cider (not crappy woochuck type cider, GOOD european cider) than my entire body weight.
22. the last nite in sweden i was basically carried to the train, fell and hit my head as i boarded, and woke up in oslo with a lump on my forehead and the worst.hangover.ever.
23. julebrus is the cure for any drunk related ailment.
24. there are many uses for a large, pink soap-on-a-rope penis.
25. i got to spend over a month with more than 50 people who love the same things i do. damn it was a good 6 weeks.

god i miss my friends from overseas. christmas time always makes me miss them.

jag älskar dig & god jul.

2004-12-07T15:44:00.000-06:00

while i was running errands today i had to make my daily stop at blockbuster and The-Heavenly-Place-That-Sells-Sandwiches. i also had to make a stop so i could buy a new calendar for next year and some more chocolate milk. the need for more chocolate milk has become up there on the list with necessities like OXYGEN. so i figured i'd run into kmart since it's in the same strip mall.

big. mistake.

apparently the requirements to shop at kmart should be published at the entrance:

number of teeth + number of working limbs = 6 or less

because seriously, and i try to be kind, i really do, but those people should not have been allowed in public. they should be trapped under the stairs of the basement and left to feed on rats and bathe in their own ugly. it was a reject shoppers orgasm in there. i need to go home and take another shower. you know, just in case the mix of IcyHot and Kathy Ireland Perfume rubbed off on me.

i swear, i need to go back to walmart where the rest of the pretty people shop.

2004-12-06T07:42:00.000-06:00

over the weekend, my parents and i spent a day devoted to finalizing the christmas shopping and picking out the perfect tree. the kids were at their fathers, no doubt learning a colorful vocabulary and how to properly torture and torment. so the grown-ups day of shopping was underway. along with two people so innocent and pure that they bring shame to the mormon community. two people, my parents, that are so good-natured and unaware of the vulgar real world that they need things like 'cover band' and 'rimjob' explained to them. two people, my parents, that spent the entire day talking about VAGINAS, and BEING TIED UP WITH SILK & SATIN. and oh my god, BUTTPLUGS. it so happens that these two people, my parents, watched some sex talk show on the WE channel about buttplugs and misc. other toys and gadgets. and they talked about it. IN PUBLIC. the world as i know it has ended.

by parents, i mean my mother and step-dad. my real dad, is about as pure as artificial sweetener. he is who i blame for my premarital sex and my extensive use of the word fuck. to further prove this point, the first nite he met my exhusband, he was wearing a robe that fit him 50 pounds and 30 years earlier. that of course is being generous. and in his glory, the glory that is my father, he constantly made reference to the fact that 'these days its hard to find clothing that is large enough to cover big blue'. big blue being his penis. of course. because that is my dad. he is conventionally disturbed. but he is my dad, and we make no excuses for him. mostly, we just cry a little on the inside.

2004-12-05T13:03:00.000-06:00

i am responsible for creating that.
that itty bitty ball of slobber and silly.
and so cute its physically painful.
its gotta be from my genes.

fucking-a right.

2004-12-03T04:50:00.000-06:00

yesterday morning, moosie crawled up on my recliner next to me, breath full of bubble gum stank.

"what did you eat? dude you STINK"

"thanks mom. (he thanks you if you tell him his farts stink too, he IS his fathers son after all) its yogurt. pink and purple kind. i wanted the orange and yellow but then i picked this one because its so much tastier"

"sick. you CHOSE to eat something that is bubblegum flavored?"

"uh huh. and now my friends are in my tummy"

"your friends?"

"yea, my friends. they are all cozy and warm in my tummy and soon they will be born."

oh christ. this is all my fault. appearently i didnt explain this all better when at the tender age of 2, we had the talk about the birds and the bees:

"bubby, mama is pregnant. youre going to have a little brother. see mommys tummy, theres a baby in there."

with a face stricken of sheer pain and horror he said "mommy, did you EAT my little brother?"

that right there just screams 'child prodigy'. hey folks, they might not be mensa material, but damn are they cute.

2004-12-02T13:54:00.000-06:00

also,

happy one month to me!
smoke free and feeling shitty.
here here!

**note to all attractive, single men (clever is good too):
when there is an inch of snow or more, coming over to scrape my car windows in the morning would be GREAT. oh yea, turning it on to warm it up would be better. or me, you could do that to me too.

2004-12-02T07:28:00.000-06:00

she is the one who really actually does complete my thoughts. she knows my secrets, before i tell her. she knows me, what i do, and why i do it without having to explain. she is harshly honest and fiercly compassionate, exactly when she needs to be. she knows who i was over a decade ago, and who i will become decades from now. she is what seems right in the world when nothing else does. she is the icing on my cake.

"kate, im pregnant."

i have been waiting for this for so so long. (its about fucking time.) i am so happy for you both and you know im going to smother the hell out of you for the next 8 months. after that, hell yes, im gonna eat that baby.

were gonna be mommies together! woo!

2004-12-01T06:23:00.000-06:00

things to do today:

1. shower
2. put on clean clothes
3. do hair and/or makeup
4. eat breakfast
5. leave the house
6. pretend to function like the rest of the human race

i have accomplished 1 & 2 finally. and that is two more things than i have accomplished all week. oh shut up, like youve never been depressed.

2004-11-30T22:35:00.000-06:00

my life is a greek tragedy.

except without all the greek.

2004-11-28T16:19:00.000-06:00

top 10 things that right now, i am NOT thankful for:

10. genetic engineering. mainly because i have been nominated to write a debate highlighting its benefits. so fucking lame.

9. holidays where kids are home from school. i would cry if i had any emotion left at all. but that too has been beaten out of me.

8. price tags. its christmas for shits sake, what happened to all the giving?

7. extended family. i know this seems harsh, but you havent met them. or just spent 4 days with them. you would gladly gnaw off your own arm before subjecting yourself to it. trust me. heredity is the devil.

6. clocks. is it really necessary at 5.00pm to taunt me with many hours until bedtime? and then wake me up at 1.30am and be all proud to show off the time? stupid clock, get a hobby.

5. ipods. because i dont have one. damnit.

4. snow. i dont like to drive in you. i dont like how cold you make me. all you do is make my kids filthy. all youre good for is a reason to drink cocoa & baileys. not that ive ever really needed a reason anways.

3. medication. this shit makes me so very sleepy. must.stay.awake. must.watch.baby. must not let baby eat dirt. but will let baby eat dog food if it means he lets mommy sleeeeeeeep.

2. hand-made chocolate milk. why cant i get it to taste like it does when you buy it premade? WHY GOD, WHY? is that so much to ask. jesus.

1. stimulation. i have become so boring that i make my parents look exciting. and that cannot mean good things.

2004-11-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

the other nite i had a dream.

like every other one to date, it fucked me up. when i was married, i would have dreams, very detailed dreams, of him with other women. as it happens, i only had them on nights when he was actually with other women. it became routine, and i got used to it. still, every morning i would wake up, sick to my stomach and disoriented. eventually we seperated and the notion of his infidelity became evident, and so the dreams lessened.

the dream. he told me every horrible thing he ever did to me. the cheating. the constant, monotonous cheating. the lies he told his friends and family to make me the bad guy. the disaster he left our lives in to spite me. and that he slept with my close friend. that last one, though the only part not real of the dream, still stings. the details of why, when and how became a blur. i remember punching her, a lot. hard. and that she turned to him and spewed more lies about what i had and hadnt done. i think i punched her some more. and i went to her house and stole $16 from her. i have no idea why, but as it seems, that was my mighty revenge.

the friend. it angers me that she slept with my exhusband in a dream. is that reasonable? not so much. but still, it is what it is. there is more than just the dream. its the unreliable, the multiple personalities, the self-involvement, and the lack of interest for just about anything. among everything else really. imaging her with him, while it makes no logical sense, just creates more distance between us. not that there wasnt a vast cavern of uncertainty already. and sadly, she will never see it, let alone care its there.

2004-11-26T05:09:00.000-06:00

*i love you.
*i love how you lay your hand on my cheek as youre falling asleep.
*i love how you squint your eyes when youre being scolded.
*i love how your breath stinks when you wake up.
*i love how one eye closes more than the other when you smile.
*i love how you beg me to stop tickling you, then beg for more.
*i love how you you tell me youll miss me when you go to your dads for the weekend.
*i love how you are mommys best helper.
*i love how you look out of the corner of your eyes when youre trying to convince someone.
*i love how you whisper when youre telling me something really important.
*i love how you stick your cold feet on my legs while you sleep to keep them warm.
*i love how you recite words to movies you havent seen in months.
*i love how you smile for pictures like youve just eaten a bad piece of meat.
*i love how you give me hand-hugs while im driving.
*i love how you wrinkle up your face when i call you 'captain insano'.
*i love how you say things that are too clever even for an adult.
*i love how you give me 'long kisses' on the cheek.
*i love how you love me 'infinity infinity'.
*i love you.

happy 4th birthday moosie.
i am so proud of you.

2004-11-25T08:05:00.000-06:00

gobble gobble.

nearly 4 years ago today, my life had no purpose. i was so very pregnant, on thanksgiving. it was the worst day ever. three bites of potatoes, full. oh my god kill me now. i couldnt indulge in all the things of tasty goodness. the turkey, the stuffing, the pie, the potatoes, the stuffing, the green beans, the STUFFING.

this year, i will spend the entire day making up for that year. the year of the devil.

gobble gobble.

2004-11-24T21:05:00.000-06:00

fucking snow.

little white flakes of SHIT are falling from my sky. i am outraged. i told it not to snow for another month. it is cold. everything is cold. way.too.cold.

go away. go away. go away.

seriously, youd think this is wisconsin or something.

2004-11-23T21:42:00.000-06:00

despite the inner battle, i lost and got back onto a schedule of taking my medication. i am aware that it actually helps me, but im not the sort of girl that likes schedule. and to comfort the now prozac-sedated beast inside of me, tara and i went up to the casino to play bingo yesterday. some woman won $42,000. im so happy for her. i would say that i hope she chokes on her very expensive turkey on thursday, but thats not in the holiday spirit. and im all about the spirit. in fact, ive decided that maybe my oh-so-joyful funk will lift with one thing. a thing so simple and pure and good and yummy. thats right... harry connick jr. sings christmas carols. and because my nifty alarm clock plays cds to wake me up, ive decided that i can probably get used to hearing 'when my heart finds christmas' in that lulling purr of his every morning. and on days when its really cold and i really hate all of you, maybe then ill bring out the 'ave maria'. until then i will sit here and silently hate my mother for trying to break my heart with this crappy crappy keyboard with no volume knob. and whine very loudly about the fact that all the coca-cola i consume has literally eaten a hole in my esophagus and it is painful. so very painful. oh coke, my dearest coke, i hate you and i love you. oh how i hate to love you. such bitterness. such hostility. someone better alter thanksgiving a bit this year, because i want some fucking presents.

2004-11-19T22:02:00.000-06:00

dear babys daddys bitchs mama,

oh im sorry. did it offend you that i dropped my children off at their fathers with marker on their hands? did it make you writhe and twitch to see such neglect? shame on me for giving them a creative outlet that dirties their delicate little fingers. after all, crayola marker is washable on skin, not the wicked sins of their mother's soul. i guess i thought that since your daughter takes off her clothes for a living, that my kids filthy hands wouldnt be your main concern. again, i apologize for my stupidity. thank you for showing me the err of my ways. for telling my son as he walks in the door 'nononono, this just wont do. we must wash those straight away'. wait, are we talking about his hands or your daughters herpes? for all you know, maybe i cant afford soap since the loving ex hasnt paid a cent of child support in 2 years. but thats not really the point here is it. this is about me and my disgrace to motherhood. shame shame shame on me. dirty hands! dirty hands! whats next, candy wrappers in their pockets? 'no no no, that just wont do.'

again, my sincere apologies. you vile, evil, filthy fucking woman.

love,
babys mama

2004-11-18T21:42:00.000-06:00

can anyone tell me what in the shit this means:

"This shutdown was initiated by NT Authority/System. Windows must now restart because the Remote Procedure Call (RPC) service terminated unexpectedly."

it counts down from 60 seconds, just to taunt me i think. hurry up. you better shut all your important shit down really super fast... oh man, sorry about your luck. hope that paper wasnt too important. fuck ye anyways. then it just shuts down. and it does this a few times a day. of course not when im just sitting in front of it, zoned out on a simpsons episode running on my media player, while i eat junk food. no. not ever then. just when i have 8 windows open and im moments from reaching the meaning of life. poof. 60. 59. 58. eat my ass RPC.

and just for my own sanity, i wont get into the rest of the problems i have with my computer. and my keyboard. my keyboard that only works half the time that i hate so much. my keyboard that i wont give in and just install a 'regular' keyboard instead because this evil keyboard that i hate has a volume knob on it. the volume knob that i love so much. stupid stupid stupid.

please help me, even if only because you pity me.

2004-11-18T09:44:00.000-06:00

anyone that has had to deal with me on a real life basis for the past two weeks realizes what a total cranky bitch ive been. and they will all get over it. so hush already. im being a wench. i get it.

but oh happy day. here are some of the things that make me happy today:

1. Haagen-Daz has released its Bailey's Ice Cream again. for the record ive been awaiting this moment for a very.long.time. and for those interested, i am so delighted that i think i might have just peed a little.

2. I was driving to the store after I dropped the kids off at school, when on the radio they were talking about horrible gift people. one woman called in and said that after her wedding/baby shower, and for her daughters birthday and such, she would just wrap all the stuff back up and give it as a gift. she said she even gives the SAME item back to who she received it from and would tell them that she liked it so much she bought them one. how terrible is that? man i love that chick. shes my new hero. its no secret that i myself have been known to buy a dress for say, a wedding, wear it with the tags still on, then return it the next day. and my mother insists that im going to hell for it. but at least now i will have some company. yay to me and gift whore girl!

3. im beginning to think this love i have for green day is unhealthy. i mean, its not like i dress up like a rockstar and dance around my room singing all their songs into a hairbrush. much. but in my defense, the obsession has been going on for a decade. so at this point, its useless to seek help. it even says so in the restraining orders.

4. i have this habit of waiting until the sun comes up to send my ass to bed. that makes for a bad idea when you have 2 small dependent monsters. so last night i went to bed at 8pm. i know, im just as shocked. but as i was falling asleep i watched 'elf'. ok, bad movie. it wasnt terrible or anything, im just still recovering from the horrid plot. when i woke up this morning, and about every hour since, i get these little flashes of the scene where will ferrell runs and jumps at the christmas tree to put the star on top, and the tree falls over. it makes me laugh at completely inappropriate times. which makes it even funnier. ahhh yes, good stuff.

2004-11-16T17:24:00.000-06:00

im teetering somewhere between ubber pissed off, and a wee bit sad.

i wrote a nice long post. a lovely one in fact. and its gone. because blogger is a filthy fucking whorebag. shame on you blogger. shame on your very soul.

so instead of reading about my deep and philisophical views on soul mates, instead, i will subject you all to this:

because i can and because i want to.

that kinda makes me feel better. that, and pootie tang.

2004-11-14T23:47:00.000-06:00

FOR SALE: 2 slightly used children, in semi-good condition. diapers and warm clothes included. i would also include toys in this price but as they will tell you, they will still want more anyways. both currently have a little damage to their faces, but that should heal within a weeks time. basic essential information:

smallish monster - will not sleep in big boy bed and will escape from any cage or box you think might work. does not play well with pets or their tails. can poop upwards and out the top of any diaper. frequently bites others. enjoys being upside down but not restrained. will kiss you and hug you and smack you in the nose. climbs and climbs and climbs. throws food. is always hungry. always always always hungry. compulsive drooler. enjoys eatting dog food and dirt. is cute and extremely dangerous.

biggish monster- will insult you and then laugh. will fart and then laugh. makes mad faces and stomps around with arms crossed. doesnt like to share cars or blocks. asks for help wiping his ass just because he thinks you might. will NOT eat rice or broccoli but will devour anything else on your plate. will ask for water 10 minutes after being tucked in. often wears shoes on wrong feet or sunglasses indoors. thinks boogers are yummy. talks about breasts and how its naughty to talk about them. listens when its convenient. holds breath and turns blue. when asked 'why did you do that?' will always answer 'i dont know'.

for a complete list of 'must have' or 'dont fucking ever try', contact me and i will begin looking for a publisher to get it finished. for a short time only i will be giving them away at 50% off (because the big one is bossy and the little refuses to sleep). email or call with any questions. if you are interested, please stop by. the sooner the better. really.

2004-11-11T23:52:00.000-06:00

i dont feel even a little bit witty or clever right now.
but i would feel bad leaving my readers, all 1 of you, without a little insite into the past few days:

-moosies face VS. the sidewalk. the sidewalk won. he looks like he got his ass kicked. he did not find it funny when i told him that.

-big e has learned the art of escaping. from his crib. when hes not supposed to. what a little shithead. damnit son, dont you know you need to stay in your cage.

-i just now found out that jonathan brandis died. a year ago. because he hung himself. im in awe at both the fact that he is no longer with us (and by us i mean the audience that watched all his crappy movies) and at the sheer fact that he killed himself in a way that is both stupid and manly. the stupid i expected. the manly, not so much.

-my sweet child, my first-born that i love so much layed next to me today, brushed my hair out of my face and said 'mommy, you look like a man, but your a girl. isnt that funny.' yes honey, very funny. why dont you tell me i have a big fat ass too. cause you know how that warms my heart. my tiny cold heart.

-john john died a few days ago. i grew up with him. i was there when he had his first son. then he got married and had his daughter. and he started drinking again. and drove off an overpass onto a freeway where a semi hit his jeep. it makes me sick with sadness. i cant find the words to write about him, or the situation, no matter how many times i try. friend #6 that i will bury, because of a car accident. what the fuck. quit driving. quit dying. i cant handle any more. you had 2 kids...

ill attempt to conjure up something charming to write about once the funeral is over this weekend. until then, later bitches.

2004-11-09T23:52:00.000-06:00

DAY 7

i did it, i did it, i did it. (i am totally wiggling my bottom at you, its a shame you cant see.)

i almost feel like a better person. almost. physically, i still feel worse, but i can't just blame the smoking, or lack thereof. i wouldnt want the Womb from Hell to feel left out for assisting in the discomfort level. i figure i cant sleep this much forever. really. one of these days ill actually HAVE to get out of bed. the issue will be whether or not i actually do.

at least now i dont feel so alone. every morning when i wake up it feels like i had a big fat guy asleep on my chest all nite. but i know thats impossible because my bed is allergic to men. either that or its been so long since its seen one, its forgotten what they look like. both are totally possible. and painfully unfortunate.

and this way, with all the money i save, i figure i can buy something really useful for the next election in 2008. like maybe ohio. it cant be THAT expensive. afterall, its just ohio.

2004-11-08T22:04:00.000-06:00

Day 6

survived. not good, not bad.
alive. sort of.

note to the old man driving through town wearing a helmet: i totally think you rock while secretly hating you for thinking of the idea first.

note to the dipshit still dating the girl that is cheating on you: quit trying to be a hero. you look like an ass.

note to Big E: leave the fucking.cat.alone. shes doesnt have your pumpkin.

note to self: you dont want to smoke. you dont want to smoke. you dont want to smoke. oh, what the hell do you know. your head is all full of clean air. i think its damaged your common sense. seek help.

2004-11-07T21:02:00.000-06:00

Day 5

today, today is not good. anyone who says this gets better after the first few days is either a big dirty liar, or a nonsmoker. and i hate both. today has been amply named the 'i hate day' because i do infact hate everything. i hate the fact that i cant smoke to get out of my bad mood. i hate that this feels like its getting harder and harder to overcome. i hate that today, i actually want to give in and smoke. i hate that my exhusband is happy. i hate that he complains about which socks to wear with which shoes. thats a fucking problem? if thats all the stress you have in your day darling, im doing something wrong here. i hate that he has someone, even if shes not much to brag about. i hate that he acts like our kids matter to him. i hate that he always tries to show me 'the brighter side' of everything. fuck you, theres is no brighter side. just a side that involves you, and a side that doesnt. both suck, just one isnt as ugly. i hate that i cut all my hair off. i hate that my impulses always lean towards things i later regret. i hate that my sister is sad. i hate that i am almost angry that she doesnt just 'get it' yet. i hate that weve both been shit on in order to understand. i hate that she feels how terribly low it feels to be in that spot. i hate that for the most part, i only have a few friends who are worth as much as i give them credit for. i hate that im am a mean spiteful bitch that probably shouldn't have better friends. i hate that i dont trust men. not men in my family, not my men friends, no men. period. i hate having to start over. i hate having to deal with people that i have no desire to even speak to. i hate the fact that i stay in this small town because it feels like home. i hate that it has nothing to offer me but i stay anyways. i hate feeling like the dark cloud that follows me around has become a permanant fixture in my life. i hate that i will forever be digging to get out of the financial hole the exhusband has left me with. and i still hate him, and his socks. i hate feeling like i honestly don't give a shit anymore. i hate taking the easy out. i hate that i hate everything so much today. it just makes me cranky and i hate being cranky.

oh yea. and i dont know what the fuck is that matter with me, but i cant remember shit. this isnt from the nonsmoking, this has been happening for a few months now. but i will literally forget what i said 5 minutes ago. i cant remember where i put my shoes. i cant remember why i got up to go into the kitchen. i cant remember that i told someone id do something. i cant remember anything. and this sucks. i feel like im losing my grip on reality. id be very frightened except that i wont remember what im scared about in a few minutes anyways. holy shit im a mess.

2004-11-06T01:55:00.000-06:00

Day 4

day four sucks ass. all that day four consisted of was utter shit. frankly, its a damn good thing i spent about 20 hours in bed today because all i want is ONE FUCKING CIGARETTE. really, is that too much to ask? ive not had one for 4 days now. i think at least i should get some sort of reward. just one, thats it, one. ok, two or three. seven tops. and since i quit smoking it's ok that i want to complain about other stuff too. well, one thing. what does a girl have to do to get a little sexual healing these days? i mean other than wear next to nothing and act cheap. im not quite that low down yet. when i do, i know some girls that will share their barstool with me. but i dont want to be cheap. i dont want to be picky either. i just wanna get my rocks off. im 23, and single. that shouldnt be this difficult.

btw, did i mention how badly i fancy a smoke and a fuck? oh i did? in that case, what the hell are you waiting for.

2004-11-05T02:49:00.000-06:00

Day 3

we have passed the 72 hour mark since the last cigarette. the last smooth, long satisfying drag off that long stick of rotten ass taste. there have been many addictions in my life that i have long since kicked, this being the last straggler. unless we count nail biting but i cant help that because its genetic cause bumpa does it too. so there. but the smoking? no fucking way. i cant. ive spent more of my life with a smoke in my mouth than not. but that says both that its time i quit and that i was a naughty 10 year old. theres always been a dozen reasons why i wanted to quit. ive wanted to for years. but as they say, it takes the 3 elements. ready, willing and able. and the able i was just not. not for the past 13 years, not at the moment i decided to quit. it was funny really. it was like 4 second window of opportunity opened that i had never had before. i knew if i didnt take it in that moment of strength, then i would still be smoking at 30. 40. 50. you get the point. so it was simple really. just like that. i dont think i want another cigarette. and that was it. and i didnt really tell anyone but the obvious live-ins, because it was like that '3 months into the pregnancy thing'. i wanted to wait to make sure it wasnt just a 'nonsmoker phase'. Day 1 was simple really. driving is the worst, so i avoided it and went on accordingly. Day 2, we are still pretending didnt happen. i didnt smoke, i didnt even want to really. but my body. oh my body was not nice. trust me, if you quit smoking your body will fall down and say to you 'fuck you and your cold turkey. you will sleep, a lot as punishment'. and this would be ok if it werent for the headache and the shivers/sweats and the TIRED. where did all this tired come from? but we got through it, without begging or screaming or kicking. in fact, i even overheard my mother tell angie 'youd be proud of your sister. and she isnt even being a bag of shit.' thanks mom for the support and encouragement. be nice or i may be forced to call you a bitch-monger again.

Day 3 Summary:
mood: shockingly even and non-confrontational
cravings: worse after meals or when asked if i needed a smoke yet (yes you heartless fuckers, and it wasnt nice 20 minutes ago either)

2004-11-04T20:29:00.000-06:00

grama made 'elephant' spank his own ass tonite for my 3 year old son.

this from the woman who made angie take back the pack of gum she stole as a tiny girl. this from the woman who thought a trip to the Corn Palace was 'fun for the whole family'. and this from the woman who mastered the art of the Dobson Grip.

someone once told me in reference to an std they had, that is was 'embarrassing and painful.' well yes. correct me if im wrong, but i do believe that is the point. this is not a mechanical pencil were talking about here, its your dick. you dont just pull it out and hand it to the person next to you, even if they did say theyd only need it for a moment. i imagine stds would be better reminders than say, a post it note. note to self: leave my penis in my pants today. i mean, i know christmas is right around the corner and all but go easy on the giving and sharing this year ok stud? honestly, and sadly, theres probably only half the country left without some sort of weird genital rotting sensation. cringe. whats even worse is that they are probably all Bush voters now because we kerry supporters had to fuck like little monkeys to cope after the election.

go bush!
go gonorrhea!
go corn palace!

2004-11-04T01:15:00.000-06:00

somewhere inside me there is mature, grown woman. sadly enough, the 13 year old boy inside of me beat the shit out of her. because frankly, words like 'boner' and 'wiener' are still just as funny as they were 10 years ago when it was appropriate. imagine my delight when a mexican restaurant in milwaukee decided to continuously run commercials for their special fish tacos. i mean, come on, fish tacos. not at all appetizing, but very very funny. its terribly hard to restrain myself from going in and sitting down. when the waitress walks over and says "would you like to try our fish taco today?", id turn to her and say, "no thanks, ive already had one, but i told the bitch to go home and take a shower". thats right, being immature is so much more fun.

i also have single-handedly started 'The Great Pumpkin Massacre of 2004'.
one by one...
crunch.
crunch.
crunch.
see, my parents are real into our home. which is fine. its their priority to make it look warm and welcoming. and then these same parents decided to landscape around our already awkward driveway with BIG FUCKING ROCKS. trust me, this poses a large problem for tires and bumpers. especially when youre allowed to park your monster car in a spot the size of a domino. well tis the season! guess what sits atop each one of those BIG FUCKING ROCKS. right. pumpkins.. well, there were pumpkins. until i got pissed off at all the obstacles they were creating and started running them all over with my car. and nothing says seasons greetings like a buncha really shitty looking pumpkin remains. apparently all it takes is some good ole fashioned violence to get a spot in the garage. congratulations me.

oh, and this too.
on the way home from picking up the kids i stopped at walmart to grab some shit to make dinner. im pushing the kids through the aisles hoping that i can figure out what the hell im doing there. toy car. ok thats in the cart, but not for dinner. veggie tales dvd. wtf i cant eat that. screw you kids, mac & cheese it is. and im SO taking money from your piggy bank for this shit. so im in line behind two guys buying shaving cream and lemons. wha? and i might have assumed they were 'an item' if it hadnt been for the taller one leaning in to the other and ever so loudly whispering 'id like to bang... that girl' and nodded towards me. what girl? this girl? this is the only girl in line so it must be this girl. someone wants to bang me. rockin.

ok. so the last event didnt exactly happen like that. or at all. but for the love of god, THEY RE-ELECTED BUSH, cant you let me have one shred of happiness. and come on, someone somewhere must want to. lets be honest, im one sexy bitch. and this bitch needs some fillings knocked out.

2004-11-03T10:22:00.000-06:00

today, i weep.

i say to my county - "country, you let me down. and i think you suck. a lot."

honestly, i cant believe that many of you are completely braindead. but as youve shown, you are. really, i fully believe he could have walked up to the microphone, made loud chicken noises into it and said "i am george w and my head is in my ass. by the way, were going to kill your children and rape your women. thank you. now, if you believe in potato salad, then i like downhill skiing. vote for me!" you morons still woulda voted for him. your shit for brains is starting to stink up my country. putrid lil fuckers, go away.

so as planned in the event of said tragedy, angie and i will be moving to europe soon. and at this point, even france is starting to look almost tolerable. Au revoir american wasteland.

Welcome to a new era. The Era of Thimbles. because after these next 4 years, even thimbles will have higher IQs than the entire united states population combined. so heres to you USA. may you enjoy your decay.

2004-11-02T09:58:00.000-06:00

in recognition for today, i wanted to share a little dooce wisdom:

"And that is why I am voting for John Kerry. Because I am afraid for my rights as a woman and as a citizen of the USA with George Bush as president, someone who believes that he has been called of his God to lead this country against evil-doers. The line between what he is doing in Iraq and what terrorists continue to do to innocent people is too thin, as they believe they are called by their God as well. Not everyone’s God can be right."

today ive done my part. i woke up and went to vote. please go out and vote (but not for bush) because for the love of God, i dont want to have to start killing people. well maybe i do a little.

update: and to further prove my point about bush supporters, i felt the need to include a little humor i found on cate's blog:

worst. reasoning. ever.
i know, i know, i'm not that "political posting" kind of girl, but i had to share what i heard in the lunch room today.

"i don't really like bush, but i'm voting for him because i feel like he got us into this shitty war and he should have to get us out"

huh?

2004-11-01T10:42:00.000-06:00

swedes are wierd.

ok, now. first and foremost i can totally and legitimately say that. cause ive been there. and they are wierd.

but my basis for that theory stems from a conversation i had today with a friend of mine who lives there. being the proud and true midwestern girl that i am, i was quite appauled when he told me that cheese was "bleh". gasp. i know, right. he apparently took offense to my comment about how his culture's food is all strange and fishy. because he sent me this.

i love that the message we send to the rest of the world includes "meat. lots of meat". but by far the best thing is this little blurb they added at the bottom of their 'locations' page: "When it comes to world politics, Canadians may seem like a bunch of pacifists, but boy do they love their meat!" granted, i didn't find any actual evidence that it's real, but i suppose thats worse. the swedes believe fake american humor. see what i mean... wierd.

2004-10-31T21:02:00.000-06:00

pretend im a horse with one wounded leg. just fucking shoot me already.

really, if i ever ask to move in with my parents again, please, by all means, remind me of today. she calls it "convenience of living". bullshit, i call it "lick my balls you self-righteous bitch monger". you can take your house rules and shove them down that Queen-like throat of yours. heres some for you... house rule #368: when you actually reverse time and push both my children from YOUR loins, then, and only then, can you tell me how to raise them. house rule #369: when my kid says someone is a "babe" or that someone (cough cough) is being "totally cranky", thats allowed. in fact its looked highly upon. house rule #370: some kids (gasp) fart. and not in the bathroom. and like everything else, youll get over it. so, now that weve come to some sort of agreement, lay the fuck off about how i parent. quit trying to make me into the parent you were, or werent. quit trying to make me into the parent you want me to be. im not those things, im the parent i am. and im not ashamed. i admit im not the best, but im certainly not even close to par with the worst. at least im fucking involved. at least im teaching them to be polite and kind and generous and loyal and honest. at least im here. thats more than a lot of people can say. so back the fuck off already. the "you need to pay better attention to your nurturing parental skills" bullshit is getting old. i love them immensely, and they know that.

so there. keep on trucking, mom.
(damn ive wanted to actually use that line for so long)

2004-10-29T21:28:00.005-05:00

it is official. i am ill.

this damn cold thing has rendered me completely useless. of course, if they made whining and sleeping olympic events, id have that gold baby. i feel like shit. really. like shit. the pressure in my face makes it hurt to even open my eyes, let alone try and focus on something. at one point in my day, i actually thought about plunking them out with a spoon just the make a spot for the pressure to escape. and the sore throat. lord the sore throat. screw you chloreseptic, you arent even real medicine. youre weak, and you cannot fool me. i just want to whine. and have somebody actually take care of it. not just stand there and look at me and say 'but youre a grownup mom, its your job'. i dont wanna. i want the go back to sleep. i want to feel a little less like a zombie. and damnit, i want some more chocolate milk.

man im sick. someone come take care of me.

2004-10-28T23:34:00.000-05:00

i sent you a letter today.
i hope i hear from you.
i miss you.
fuck what everyone else says.
fuck what everyone else thinks.
im still proud of you.
i always did admire you.
this is just temporary.
maybe lenghty, but not forever.
some of us will still be waiting.
even if we werent always there.
i cant speak for anyone else.
but for what its worth,
im sorry if i let you down.
and i love you.
and i miss you.

2004-10-27T23:56:00.000-05:00

ye know how all those married women say 'not tonite honey, i have a headache'... well i hate those women. cause i have one hell of a headache, and frankly, i think a good lay might just do the trick. the narcotics sure arent helping. and the next best thing to prescription drugs and cheap booze is some lovin. and one of my friends pointed out how naked he was and how unfortunate it was that i couldn't partake in the festivities. yeah, thanks for sharing asshole. damnit. i just want some cheap meaningless dirty sex. well, maybe without all the dirty.

in fact, just because i wanna, im gonna start frequently using the word 'canoodling'. not because its such a great word, but moreso because i am fucking lame.

2004-10-26T21:04:00.000-05:00

oh. my. god.

jakob has his first girlfriend.

the worst part is, he didnt even tell me, HIS MOTHER. i overheard him telling grama when she tucked him into bed tonite. "...her name is dallas. she told me that im her boyfriend and shes my girlfriend. and i like her. shes very nice to me. shes my best girlfriend. but dont worry, youre still my friends too..."

ok. so appearently he didnt catch onto the whole 'youre not ever ever ever allowed to date' discussion. granted, the idea of my 45 year old son still living in my house might be creepy when the time comes. but right now, as far as im concerned, hes staying with me forever.

GOT THAT JAKOB!?!? youre never leaving home. so go tell dallas that she can just move along and find herself another little 4 year old boy to date! and i will ground you if thats what it takes young man!

2004-10-25T14:49:00.000-05:00

"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in." -George McGovern

this past weekend, i watched the beheading of the american soldier on the internet. and to be frank about it, im glad i watched it. it was the most horrific and disturbing thing i have ever watched. i guess i knew it was inhumane. but i thought more of a quick sweep across the neck with a machete. instead, you could hear the soldier scream as they used a small knife with slow sawing movements. it was awful in a way that is indescribable. but nonetheless, thought provoking. our country is no better than they are. we use violence as a means to prove a point. we kill people just as cruelly to show our power and status to the world. both sides make me equally sick. both make me equally ashamed. they are not better, and we certainly aren't either. i could go on for hours about specific political acts and pathetic endeavors. this isnt meant to insinuate that president bush is an immoral person and complete disgrace to our country. i do infact believe that, but that goes without needing to be said. im saddened that this is what our soldiers give their lives for. im saddened that families will lose mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters and so on for all the wrong reasons. we fight for our freedom. this is freedom? one man leading millions into certain death for the 'greater good'? i am not a soldier, based on my convictions about it. but i do respect those that are. i am however an american, but i pity those that are proud to be.

2004-10-17T11:34:00.000-05:00

watch out fuckers, the bitch is back in town.

for the sake of anonymity, ive decided not to change your names, because frankly, i dont care who knows youre assholes.

for starters, since you can't seem to understand the communication guidelines in the adult world, ill drop to your level so you can understand me. after all, im the bad guy, the one who has done you so wrong. so far youve failed to come up with reasons for all the drama. you want me to be the bad guy? dont say you never get what you wish for. hell, who am i to disappoint. you think im a bitch? you think ive hurt you? you aint seen nothing yet. how pathetic. your little overworked minds have been filled with the bullshit the other wants you to believe is real. thank god neither of you have secrets. just things you'll tell the other one 'when the time is right' oh no! what have i done! oh shit, here come the beans!

if word around is that i talk shit, let me open up a whole new realm of spreading shit. unlike yours, mine is factual.

lets do a little spelling test... C-O-W-A-R-D-S. congratulations, you've just spelled brian & amy! eenie meenie minee moe, which little fucker is first to go...

brian! ok, lets review:
first things first. if you talk to me in that fakeass 'im your best friend even though i secretly hate you' kinda way, and i blatently act like youre a fucking retard, theres a reason. being that you actually are. because you got a free ride to college doesnt make you smarter than me. it just makes you arrogent for acting innocent. now. let me tell you a few things i think you ought to know about your girlfriend. how many times a day does your girlfriend tell you she loves you? and how many of those times do you think its a lie? lets try... 100%? sad really, how she even admits to her friends that she doesnt love you but will tell you anyways. id say thats the kinda girl id want to take home to mom. but hey, shes known as the shapeshifter. she can change and adapt to any person, any situation, just to make the person(s) shes around happy. even if that means talking shit about the same people she just talked shit about you to. always has been, always will be. that is the nature of the beast i suppose. but since youre pretty good at the whole great-guy bullshit persona, i think youll manage. and wouldnt you be interested to know that she is tired of how you control her, and that you "interrupt her school life". she has said more than once how sick of you she is and hates how you plan her breaks and decide what youre both doing. funny how she tells her friends she wants to break up with you but then meets you the same weekend in iowa city and plays nice-nice. "more humor, less drama". oh wait, because last time i checked drama was being pussy enough to bring real life issues into a fucking computer game. im gonna kill her character because im a lying fuckhead and she knows it. you want to bring drama, bring it. if you're not man enough to fight real life with real life, so be it. ill be waiting. and while we're on the subject, you might want to ask her about her track record in the 'faithful girlfriend' section. the number is sadly low, if even existent. or better yet, ask her about her track record since shes been with you. as the saying goes, its 10 o'clock do you know where your girlfriends crotch is? she might be due for a checkup soon. oh wait, thats right, she said that cleared up a few years ago. i think your safe. for now.

no amy, we didnt forget about you. unfortunately.
all comedies need some tragedy to balance it. the sad part is that when all your bridges have been burned, youre left standing with no one to help you put out the fire. even bridges that take 10 years to build can turned to ash within moments. so for your sake, you better fetch some fucking water! you wonder why youve always been treated like the bitch of the group. two options... youre fucking delusional, or you really are the bitch of the group. both are highly probable. by the way, congratulations on looking like a fool and letting your boyfriend put you right where he wants you. bravo on the great mind control. you always did have a way with observation. and dumb as i think you truly are, i have to give you credit for catching on occasionally. you were right, brian did want raini instead. the first night at freddies he was talking to everyone about seeing if he had a chance with her. sorry buddy, shes a little out of your league. but hey, dont feel bad, because when we suggested you he even said you were kinda cute. maybe no raini, but kinda cute. talk about a backup plan. what is unfortunate for you is that you were 3rd in line, or last as it seems in our group of single girls. cause he and the rest of us spared the truth about the first choice. personally, i find it hilarious that he told you i came on to him. because as i recall the first night i met him when we were dancing he tried to kiss me and i said no. and as i was told he asked a few of our friends 'why wont she make out with me?' and he says im the slut? looks like someone doesnt like rejection is all. and handles it piss-poorly i might add. but ill go easy on him. hes had a hard life. i mean, if mommy and daddy hadnt paid his rent and bills and bought him the car and paid his tuition, just think of the middle-class life he might have had. anyone thats walked in those shoes, even if they did cost $150, deserves some sympathy. he sure has the right to tell me about how life is. shame on me for picking on the precious little rich kids. im sorry amy, i didnt mean to pick on your boyfriend, im sure he loves you. even if you werent first pick. or second.

hooray, look at me! im the bitch!
since i supposedly talk all kinds of bad shit about amy in my blog, i thought it was only fair i actually do. and as far as the past posts go, i mentioned amys name in ONE post where the entire rest of the post refered to lewis black. and yea, i admit, i cant handle her for long periods. i dont know anyone that can. and if you can constrew my entire post about lewis as bad-mouthing amy, then you two, are in fact, complete morons. and to let you know upfront, i expect you both to jump up and down and yell and scream and say 'none of its true! shes lying!' and you know what? im ok with that. if you can both convince each other, as you so often do, thats fine with me. im not losing anything by it. when i go to sleep at nite i know that everything ive said, is the truth. and every time ive talked shit, ive done the right thing. ive stepped up and said 'yea, i said this for this reason' thats what adults do, but i wouldnt expect either of you to know how to do that. so go on and whine and act tough, point fingers and spread lies, everyone knows its coming. its nothing we havent heard from you before. oh shit, were really in deep shit now, everyone knows. quick, hurry up, cover for me. lie again and say grama wont give you money and ill say i have to work. no wait, better yet, lets blame kayde! shes the bad guy! how dare her! what would her mother say, she wasnt raised that way! blah blah blah im a fucking douchebag. lets drag everyone into our miserable existance. maybe, just maybe, i will finally be loved. look children, its like a fairytale. a really, really fucked up fairytale.

and the best part is, i dont feel sad or sorry or angry or hurt. because to quote you brian, "you dont help me grow as a person, and thats not what i want in a friend."

and by the way brian, sorry to tell you and the rest of the world, but i heard youre a bad lay.

2004-10-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

word of warning: any decent size mixture of pills should be taken with food. despite what the doctors or pharmacists tell you, it is necessary. just ask my former stomach.

let me tell you. all these years i have been afraid of puking. and now, its not so much the puking that bothers me. its the crippling dry-heaving that does it. and i know this because after you throw up the pills and 2 sips of coke you downed them with, your stomach will give you the next hour full of gut wrenching dry-heaves just for good measure. in case those few dime sized pills didnt all come out the first time along with your spleen and other semi-vital organs. and usually, when im finished, my face is soaking wet. from all the hysterical. from all the sobbing. but today, as this dry-heaving was being had, my eyes were watering profusely. as if to say "maybe if we get all wet, we'll slide right out of her head and end all this torture." what a crock of shit. it should be one or the other. when i run for president, i will outlaw dry-heaving. as it is the most pointless pain ever.

and while im on the topic, i wouldnt laugh about me becoming president. after watching the debates, it appears the only qualification now days is to talk with your hands a lot and speak like a horses ass. oh yea, and have the intelligence of a potato.

2004-10-11T13:32:00.000-05:00

today is a good day.
despite the whole being in horrid pain and the ER thing.

i have things to look forward to. gasp. shocking, i know. little things, things most people take for granted. but fuck it, right now, im happy. men are pathetic, and i get that now. i understand. its in their nature. move on. and i miss my friends, but im working on that. 2 weeks baybee. and i miss my sister, but im working on that too. get yer ass here already girl. you know thats what you need. give in to the snow, its ok. i miss my kids, and maybe if they stop coughing in my face i will go climb in bed with them at night just because. maybe they will breath their little stinky sleeping breath on me. i like that. i miss my family, but maybe they will come around. hey jason, its me, your little sister. i miss sammy. mom and i were talking about her last nite. her head always smelled like chicken. im getting my dog damnit, its as vital as air at this point. and i hate pain. and yesterday, that was worse pain then anything satan could even think up. but the morphine and vicodin are not so bad, in fact, one might even call them good. hmmm. today im ok. jacked up on narcotics, but ok.

2004-10-09T21:02:00.000-05:00

the time has come to bid farewell to the last molar standing. he fought a good fight, but alas was done in by the evil cough drop king. he was preceeded in his death by his close friend and brother, back right molar. he will be deeply missed. especially at meal times.

beware king cough drop. we have sent in the vicodin reinforcements. you may have taken our last right molar defense, but you will never take... our freedom. except for the whole chewing thing of course.

2004-10-08T07:03:00.000-05:00

where i work, the call load, though constitantly high, is pretty monotonous. naturally, im thinking of everything but work. here are some things that last night i came to realize:

-if youre going to start now AVOIDING my 1 call this week to you, that doesnt just make you a prick, it makes you a really huge one.

-you would think that when working for one of the worlds largest toy companies, you would get your discount on all their products. you would of course be wrong.

-there are very few things that feel more refreshing than bitching about men to a gay man. he sees the womans side, and the mans side. and hes one of the super coolest people i know. the only thing better would have been if after i told him the story, he would have called kevin a bitch.

-work would be so much greater if we got to pick who we hated and make them sit in the corner. just because youre my supervisor does not me me stupider than you. it does however make me want to spit on you.

-when asked what the scariest thing i can think of was, the first image that came to mind: if jessica simpson and john mayer had a child. [shudder] imagine all the face contorting that child would do. oh the contorting.

-if your young child has a fever of any degree, buy it the Bouncing Tigger. no matter what the state of illness is, they will forget about being sick. granted, this is followed by hours of handing Tigger to you yelling 'mama push!'

2004-10-07T11:49:00.000-05:00

at this point, im a little confused.
im not sure why i care so much, that he doesnt at all. care i mean. whatever his reasons are, im sure there is some validity to them in his own mind. i mean, we cant make people love us right. but we should at least be able to make them like us pretty damn well. and going over it in my head, im quite sure it wasnt my own sabotage. i was a mature, respectable woman about the whole thing. even when i felt like throwing myself on the floor and kicking and screaming like a child. "come on! no fair! play nice!" and ive said a million times how it doesnt bother me. i wont let it get to me. let him get to me. realistically, thats a big fat lie. i realize that i dont need him, and that i do deserve better. but what my head knows and what the rest of me wants are two totally separate issues. im tired of assholes. im tired of men letting me down. im tired of letting myself down. i also said i had no expectations. bullshit. i expected this to be an adult fucking relationship. where both sides act as responsible, caring people. SCREWED AGAIN.

when will i just accept that it is not a physical possibility for a man to be good to me. maybe im wearing a sign that says "treat me like shit, i love it!". just to keep the dogs at bay, maybe i should replace it with one that says, "dont waste your time, i like pussy".

2004-10-04T10:53:00.000-05:00

happy birthday aaron.

today, on your 24th birthday, i wish to return the favor to show my appreciation. i wish for you the same that you have bestowed upon me all these years. i wish for you, all the moments of happiness and sheer delight that i too have experienced. i wish for you, all the riches in the world as i have received. i wish for you many moments like mine of convenience and self-worth. i wish you all my best.

and dear ex-husband of mine, if wishes do come true... youre fucked.

2004-10-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

fuck this.

if you say youre gonna call, call. if you say youre gonna do something, by god you better fucking do it.

heres the thing. and if im a bitch for saying it, good. i have way too little time, and even less energy, to deal with bullshit from any man. if im not way the hell up there on that priority list, then you better start rearranging some things. and if youre not willing to accept that, then you better at least be ready to accept the fact that i will not be polite when i explain this you. im not about to waste my time being nice to you when you cant even keep youre word. damn it was fun. damn it was comfortable. damn it felt right. but really, if youre gonna pull out the "already an asshole card", then find another table to play at. theres no room left for you at this one.

fuck that.

thanks, i feel much better now.

2004-09-28T20:34:00.000-05:00

ye know, chile's was on the right track with that little jingle...

"i want my baby back, baby back, baby back..."

2004-09-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

dear hurricane jeanne;

you are a mean spiteful bitch. congratulations, you and your buddies have annihilated florida. bravo. now move along.

oh yes, and kevin is somewhere between atlanta and orlando. do not touch him. DO. NOT. TOUCH. HIM. do i make myself clear? i dont want to have to drive down there and fuck up your windy little world. but trust me, i will.

yours truelly,
-kayde.

p.s. leave raleigh alone too. i dont want cam hurt. not yet anyways. however, if he doesnt send flowers soon, hes all yours.

2004-09-26T01:55:00.000-05:00

im so in your personal space. get used to it, im not going anywhere...

"fuck easy."

2004-09-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

kevin.

28.
single father.
been at same good job for 9 years.
new to the area.
kind. and goofy. kinda goofy.
very cute.

today i met a boy. at the park. moosie kept following his 5 year old daughter around. he said she was cute. we took the kids down to the water to look for turtles. we went and bought ice cream and ate on a bench. he says maybe he'll call and we can do it again this weekend sometime. he'd really like that. i'd really like that.

so this is what real life feels like.
finally all this "being a good person" shit is paying off...

2004-09-22T22:05:00.001-05:00

today i learned why being a parent is both so unfortunate and so incredibly humorous...

moosie: "grama! grama! lets build with the train track"

grama: "ok, get all the track pieces out, ill help you build it. ok, lets build the bridge. uh oh, looks like we dont have enough curved track."

moosie: "god damnit"

grama didnt think it was funny. i so fucking did.

2004-09-20T04:21:00.000-05:00

4.02am.

i wake up and hear Moosie coughing. both boys have colds so i went to his room to crawl in with him. no Moosie in there. i find 'Elephant' laying in the hallway and the bathroom light is on. i walk in to find him throwing up. now, in my case, that is about as equivilent to the apocalypse as you can get. however. my 3 year old is standing, alone, over the toilet, getting things done. no crying, no yelling for mom, no nothing. just as simple as that. no mess in bed, on the floor, on him... just in the toilet. in the middle of the night.

so that made me think 2 things: that i am so proud of him for being so brave, and that i am a cowardly wussie hiding in my room, blogging, while grandma & grandmpa tend to the vomiting child. im feeling less happy about the latter.

2004-09-18T23:19:00.000-05:00

ok. im a little frightened.

next time a song comes on the radio by new found glory, before you start clawing at your ears, close your eyes and just listen to his voice...

its what it would sound like if quentin tarantino tried to sing. and guess what my friends, hes not a singer. for a good reason.

2004-09-17T23:56:00.000-05:00

i miss being in love, i dont miss being in a relationship.

there is a problem when you get to the point where you want to say things like "come lay with me, but by all means, go away when i get tired of you".

where the hell is my prince charming? with my luck, chances are hes gay, already married, or thinks im a bitch.

yea... im so gonna die alone.

2004-09-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

i had a dream last nite about my dads parents, who are both dead and gone. i dreamt they had died and the family was going through their belongings. when i realized they had taken all my grandpas stuff out of the attic, i layed on the floor and cried. and this morning, i woke up and finally mourned for my grandpa who has been gone almost 15 years.

today, i miss them.

***
however, on a happier note, during my nap today, i dreamt that the ex and i were fist fighting. and that was one hell of a good dream. fuck the sex dreams, i wanna see blood...

2004-09-10T23:37:00.000-05:00

shame on me. i have achieved ubber naughty today. in fact, i think i far surpassed that point.

let me give you a tip:
if youre going 62 mph in a 35, you WILL get a ticket. and it WILL cost you $151.

in my defense, it was a back road, and i was late for work, AGAIN. damn i rock so hard.

-angie, if you tell mom, i will be forced to rip off your arms and beat you with them. oh yea, and tell her about that time you got me high when i was 14.

2004-09-09T23:25:00.000-05:00

i love lewis black in a way that is probably illegal in 48 states. granted, sexually hes not all that appealing. however. when all else in the world fails me, he comes through. and nothing, truelly, is greater than that. so the other nite i watched the Black on Broadway. love it. get that? LOVE.IT. and there are very few things that i can tolerate consecutively. mainly things like amy. oh yea, and amy. honestly tho, i could have watched it over and over and over. maybe even once more. that is how much love i have for that man. MUST GET MORE BLACK. must. but how? then it dawned on me...

"if it werent for my horse, i wouldnt have spent that year in college".

2004-09-08T23:24:00.001-05:00

GOOD NEWS - Moosies EEG came back ok, no signs of epilepsy or anything of that nature. we imagine that the seizure was caused by lack of oxygen to his brain. as a result the treatment seems to be: DONT HOLD YOURE FUCKING BREATH! i mean really...come on now. even a 3 year old should understand that concept.

BAD NEWS - i get to go have a shot in the ass tomorrow. we all know how badly you needed to know that.

GOOD NEWS - my job F-U-C-K-I-N-G R-O-C-K-S! bout damn time. a nice ass paycheck for playing with toys all day. this, as I have recently come to determine, is the meaning of life.

BAD NEWS - i broke 3 computers at work in the past 2 days, and then i come home and mine goes all to shit too. blogger is being a prick, email dont work, and i seem to think i can fix shit that i, you guessed it, cant. it just ends up creating mass hysteria within my programs. i cant even play sims! SIMS, OH HOW I MISS THEE!

GOOD NEWS - i am not so crazy afterall...

BAD NEWS - ...just overly obsessive compulsive. yay me! rock out wit yer prozac out!

2004-09-07T23:29:00.000-05:00

ok, to clear up any confusion, and for my own sheer enjoyment, i will correct the previous post.

my darling ex-husband and his disgraceful woman have created a child. they found it necessary to name him ATOM BYRNE (like burn - hot hot ouch hot) .

i dont feel the need to elaborate much. i think that in itself speaks volumes about why morons shouldnt reproduce.

you fuckwads.

2004-08-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

adam was born last nite.

i could hear the excitement in aarons voice when he called to tell us. he got another little boy. he says crystal wished it woulda been a little girl. something different, special he says. i already gave him boys. she wanted to give him something different. but hes happy he got his boy. and i guess thats what is different, special... that he was happy about this one.

good for you.

2004-08-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

oh dear god. i watch far too much TLC. last nite i had a dream that i was remodeling a house with the "In A Fix" crew. and Jennie was all bent out of shape because she thought i was sneaking off with Justin. we cried and hugged a lot together when i told her i'd rather have Marc. seriously, they were all there, cept Sparky. blah blah blah, more house remodeling. and then in the end Justin and i are sneaking off together. damnit. i dont even get the right man in my dreams...

2004-08-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

to make a long story short - lately, every nite ive had a dream about this boy that i was absolutely smitten with all through high school. god i loved that kid. shame on you subconscience for bringing out the "Unattainable Twin" card. anyhow, im a glutton for punishment so i was digging around on the internet to see if he had gotten married. anyhow, i ran across his twin brothers website. course there were all kinds of pictures of the boys rockclimbing and other such sexy nonsense. damn you. as if my image of him wasnt perfect before, now he rock climbs too. please just kill me already. THEN, i find a quote or some shit where he writes "...I received my undergraduate degree in Engineering-Physics at *** University. There I was involved as a teacher's assistant, with micro-electronics research, and as a part of a team that worked on building the TUSat 1 satellite...". okay. first let me say that i dont secretly want to be with him or anything, but it was always nice to dream someday maybe i could be if given the chance. because in high school, he was kind and wholesome and genuine to the core. he was everything i wasnt. now that i am those things, he had to raise the bar and go be something i can NEVER be. such as THAT DAMN SMART. that fucker.

yep. sometimes, being me actually physically hurts.

2004-08-01T01:19:00.000-05:00

holy crap.

to the dismay of my friends and family, i am still alive. sorry bout yer luck fuckers.

i am delighted to inform you that the reason for my lengthy absence was directly due to my extensive research on the giant anteater in its natural habitat. no wait, it was just because the electric company shut of my power. bastards.

quick recap on the past months...
- we have moved back in with the parents. the parents, meaning mine. mom, i love you tremendously... but that doesnt mean i wont hunt you while you sleep. for sport, of course. youd look lovely stuffed and mounted somewhere else.
- men are like pogo sticks on ice. as fun as it sounds, its just a bad idea.
- Beez is finally walking. he is officially the laziest child ever. and Moosie is now smarter than i am.
- in sticking with tradition, i am about to make yet another career choice. and with that tradition, comes the ever popular, failure. something tells me this time im on the right track. then again, that same something told me to marry El Disastro. least this idea will provide some income.
- im still poor. im still obsessively nervous. and im still bitter. but at least im really really good at all three now.

2004-05-25T05:00:00.000-05:00

finally, it has become clear to me why in 3 weeks i am moving out of this place.
this weekend, a number of my friends from all over the country have graciously accepted my offer of packing in exchange for disgusting amounts of alcohol. and this is an actual piece of an email that i found myself sending:

"...when you turn off the interstate onto Hwy XXX, call tara, have her jump online and tell me youre that far. that way i can freak out... err, prepare. put pants on and such. at this point youre here. you'll hear screams coming from my place. that is ok. just some minor torturing. tuesday nite will consist of packing, and kids, and loud noises and frantic mommies and quiet swearing. maybe some loud swearing. mainly just swearing of all kinds. then we get up wednesday and more frantic. more crazy. less swearing. and rush the kids away and leave for michigan, at that point, you will prolly already regret knowing me, but alas i will start to calm down. then drinking. binge drinking if necessary. so bring a funnel and a rainsuit. there will be heavy drinking. you have been warned. drive safe. watch for ducks."

i almost feel like less of a person for using alcohol as a tool. almost.

2004-05-21T03:53:00.000-05:00

and to sum up the past week, i do believe it was my sister who said it best:

"seriously - we're like the 'cant poop' sisters"

2004-05-12T12:42:00.000-05:00

wow, looks like someone has been neglecting thier writings.
[points to self]

next stop, michigan. for many reasons.
-money money money. come buy my shit. really.
-tara, i miss you like hell.
-nick, your ass is mine.
-frank, been long enough. lets do this already!
-and the reason that everyone knows about, but no one wants to talk about. yes i will be looking at jobs, and schools and places to live. yes it might be a reality. yes, you must accept it.

this is a much anticipated [gasp] vacation for me. there will be some work involved yes, but mostly, i miss my girl. more than i could ever put into words. more than i could ever tell her really. we have that relationship where we scratch the surface and tell each other, especially with much liqour involved. but we dont really say it much, we just know. regardless of men, or money, or time or distance. i dont need to have any other reason for the validity of my move.
its my choice. and i choose her.

2004-05-09T23:05:00.000-05:00

happy mudders day to me. (in both senses of the word)

and since this is a day to cherish and give praise to what wonderful women we are, it only seems right to also acknowledge what assholes men are. not every man. just every man ive ever had. upfront, i take full responsibility for having chosen these men. however if i would have known he was a selfish, heartless bastard before the wedding, it may have altered history a bit. and by altered, i mean, improved. ok, so lets review. constant adultry. CHECK. relentlessly demeaning. CHECK. financial disaster. CHECK. irresponsible. CHECK CHECK. in conclusion, TOTAL WASTE OF FUCKING TIME. and really darling exhusband of mine, its mothers day for god sakes. can you try and turn down the nasty just a little just.this.once. because morally and logically you are a fool. how dare you point your underage-girls-pussy-stank fingers at me. i take care of both of my kids, alone. and theres only one of me. and im willing to bet it takes the both of you 10 minutes to figure out which end of the baby the diaper goes on. now thats fucking teamwork. how much money i do or dont make is none of youre concern. my children eat, even if i cant. my children have clothes on their backs, even if not namebrand. and my children have a roof over their head, even if its not a palace like the one your whore has. i mean, if i took off all my clothes all day and gave head on the side, i could be rich too. but id rather be poor with dignity. thanks anyways fuckwad. no, youd rather let your very pregant wife work 2 jobs while you sit at home and give fuck lessons to a bunch of girls who cant make up their minds about which prom dress will look best on the floor next to your wifes dresser. oh wait, thats right, you had a great job. but since that meant youd have to pay the child support youve decided not to pay, you opted to no longer be employed there. grow some balls, stick up for yourself. they are your kids. im not asking anyone else to take care of them. its not their job. its ours. you included. when it gets tough, or they dont 'fit into your schedule', then do what every other parent does. you fucking improvise. make it work. period. you ran out of 'get out of jail free' cards a longass time ago. im tired of being the only involved parent. tired of having to sort through your mess and clean up after you. no more giving up and saying 'i quit'. 'i quit' means 'i wont cause im a pussy'. and if you wont, well then get the hell out of the way. quite frankly, having you around it like having an easy-bake oven. its cute, and its fun to use, but it just doesnt get the job done.

2004-05-08T06:50:00.000-05:00

well ive spent the better part of the morning lecturing my stomach on the reasons to NOT throw up. not necessarily cause i feel i need to do so, but more because my obsessive compulsive side has taken over. i am unfortunately a creature of habit. and as fate would have it, i have this habit of spending mothers day with the flu. not just the cough-cough-my-throat-tickles flu. more along the lines of holy-shit-i-think-my-spleen-just-passed-through-my-lips type of flu. the motherload flu. how fucking appropriate. and me being the frantic worrier that i am, is just sure this year will bring the same good tidings. im not quite sure where this all came from either. i mean, i know my father is obsessive compulsive to a fault. and my sister got the short stick of this too. but they are a little more 'normal' about it i guess. locking the door a set number of times, washing their hands, and so on. and whatever you do, dont brush your teeth anywhere where they might KNOW youre doing so. in fact, just pretend you dont have any teeth at all. but somehow all the obscurities in my mentality are a bit more off. everything is about numbers. i wont do certain things unless the clock is on an interval of 5. i refuse to hang up my clothes in the closet because it will absolutely drive me crazy if they are not in order. by color, sleeve lenghth, material. i wont even be at home, and ill SENSE theres something out of order, and it will piss me off until i give up and leave the clothes in baskets. dvds are organized by type, then by color of the case. everything is about color, or number. let me clarify something quick. i am DEATHLY.AFRAID.OF.PUKING. no lie. i would rather go through a dozen labors and a massive head trauma then to throw up. and when i was 3, i puked. when i was 6, i puked. notice a pattern? i spent my entire eighth year of life begging the gods to not let me turn 9. 9, i did NOT puke. holy hell. it didnt come again til 16. puked. 21, puked. shit. now my calculations are off. it could come at any time! arghhhhhh! so now im left with a world that revolves around numbers, and patterns and habit. and there is no pattern, no sequence. fock. i have to hang on with a mighty grasp to the only things i am quite certain of... that i will never eat doritos again, that ive always hated math anyways and that mothers day is the devil.

2004-05-06T02:15:00.000-05:00

i would be last person on earth to say that i have all the answers about relationships. because, clearly, i dont. but i am human, and lets face it, im me, so i do have my own opinions on everyone elses. and lately, a dear friend of mine has been the thought on everyones mind. so naturally, its my turn to state my _opinion_. first of all, i love her dearly. i dont tell her often enough, and i do even less im afraid that shows it. and everyone seems to have a problem with her boyfriend. and everyone, including myself, just wants her to be happy. of course we think shes not. how can she be. but that is ultimately up to her to decide. our own idealistic makings for happiness arent necessarily hers. because we couldnt be happy in those circumstances, doesnt mean she cant be. she should be entitled to that. if he is what makes her happy, truly happy, then my god, i could ask nothing else for her. but sadly, i think he falls short. yes, i think hes with her for the 'trophy' appeal. yes, i think hes arrogant. yes, i think he says things that he has NO business saying. yes, i think he knowingly trys to buy her love. yes, i think hes smarter than the average bear. but i dont think she is given enough credit. i think she knows it too. and here is why i dont say much regarding it. first, i think shes okay with it. i think shes ok with being well taken care of. i think she loves having someone that can provide her with a lifetime of gifts and belongings. i think that the things that money can buy is what keeps her there. shes not shallow. or greedy. but shes comfortable. and without him, i think shed feel lost. and i think shes terrified of feeling lost. now that brings me to the second thing. i worry that shes not ok with it, but doesnt think she can do any better. which is where we step in. cause if shes not ok, and just feels like this is her last attempt at a successful life, then its our job to show her things shes blind to. this girl is beautiful, and amazing, and genuine to the core. we think shes selling herself short by being with a man we know does not make her happy. but regardless, what we think of him, or their lives together, im not her. she has to do what is best for her. im not involved for me. i dont need to sway her to see things my way. i just want her to know, that above all, we love her enough to know how much more she really deserves.

2004-05-05T02:26:00.000-05:00

somedays, i sit back and i look at my boys, and admire their innocense. life is so simple in the eyes of a child. all problems have an easy solution. to a 3 year old, there are no limitations. no boundries. they live in a world without the harsh cruelties of reality. that is, of course, until tara gets involved...

"mom, i am gonna marry daddy today"

"bubby, dont you want to marry a girl instead?"

"oh yea, youre right. then im gonna marry grama jo instead"

"you need to marry a girl thats not in our family hon"

"ohhhh. i think im gonna marry tara jean"

"i think shed like that, why dont you call her and tell her that"

[my sweet moose calls and pours his heart out]

"mom, i am gonna marry tara jean today"

"oh yea? is that what she told you?"

"yea. and we have to go get her in michigan. but first i have to get her a ring. so i have to go make money. im going to go work at mcdonalds all day long..."

mcdonalds huh! thats my boy. the overachiever. it had to be one of the cutest things ive ever heard in my life. but sadly, as i sat and listened, i saw this very same scenario play out again 15 years from now. yeeeeaaaah. im so screwed.

2004-05-04T05:32:00.000-05:00

hot damn.

ive been in an exceptionally wonderful mood tonite. not sure why either really. was stressed beyond belief most of the evening. Congratulations! 41 threats were detected! goodie. gimme more, please. cause 5 dozen a day just isnt enough for this girl. still not figured out. just when i think i have it under control another www.BigBoner.blahblah popup rears its ugly erection-happy head. i also had to endure back-to-back runs of Message in a Bottle on Tnn. my god. i was hoping that my tv would just roll over and die after being subjected to it the first time. of course not. way to go champ. its just wrong. wrong wrong wrong in so many ways. kevin costner, i should learn not to expect you not to suckass. you did do waterworld afterall. nuff said.

ahh yes. good day. finally. was beginning to feel like i was some tortured soul dressed all in black, reading poetry in a smokey coffee shop. yikes. someone please slap me first.

jon, you need to move the hell to wisconsin already. ill put you in my pocket. i even promise not to dopple your ganger. much.

as an update...
tnn is still on. or tbs. some crappy b rate channel at best. regardless. im sitting here typing away and i just about fall over backwards when i hear the voice come from the tv behind me. his voice. michael madsen. its called 'baby snatcher'. how lame. yet so badass enough to have him in it. hes even doing the eyebrow and lip thing i love so much. i think ill skip breakfast now i believe. that was enough tasty goodness for the day. i fear a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch would taint the madsen flavor. [slobber]

on that note: MORE HUMOR LESS DRAMA